Day 31 - why do I hold back.

Why do I hold back when I see I need to act, this is a pattern that I am working with now in terms of participating in my world, within what I can do in and as space and time.

As an example, I have been wanting to do vlogs about many points for the last couple of months, yet I haven't even come to do one or tow on the points.

Every time The point comes up that I am going to do a vlog today, I end up just thinking about it and looking at when I can do it, I see I use the environment as an excuse, I use the sounds in the environment as an excuse, I use the camera I am going to use as an excuse, I use my voice not sounding good enough as an excuse, I use "I will sound dumb as an excuse" yet I know I can do it all - so I hold back, I sit down and I become silent, this silence is actually a suppression of my expression.

I see that the problem starts with -  first of all thinking, secondly thinking I will do it today instead of now ( postponing), obviously if I can and not like being at work or so on, make a note!

So even if I do see what is causing me to not do it and why, I am still holding back, I am the manifestation of the judgments I have towards the myself regarding the point, I* have become the accumulated consequences of my own mind participation, where I have given the mind power over me a what I am able to do with in and as the physical. If I stop the mind then I become living actions with no limitations with in what is here.

 I see I have trapped myself with in an energetic experience (resonance) of fear and anxiety through self judgment, I have to now release myself from this,

The Mind is a trap, if you follow what it presents to you it will trap you, the trap is unique as you will not realize the trap unless you show the trap to yourself, this is where self forgiveness comes in.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back with in applying myself in certain areas of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back in certain areas in my life with in expressing myself with in the principal of what is best for all life through judging myself in those certain areas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself with in certain areas in my life of applying myself with in the principal of what is best for all life as not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being good enough in certain areas in my life with in expressing myself with in what is best for all life because I believe I lack the knowledge and information to be specific enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being smart enough with in expressing myself in certain areas in my life with in what is best for all life, realizing that If I never push myself to express myself in those areas in my life that I will not find out or ever be able to see what is real and what is not so that I can work on it accordingly instead of judging myself and paralyzing myself from doing anything at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back with in expressing myself in certain areas in my life through accepting and allowing the fear of making mistakes to direct me instead of me directing me in each breath where I direct the mind as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about expressing myself in moments when I see a point is here and end up only generating thoughts/judgments/believes/opinions/ideas in my mind instead of expressing myself as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back because of conversations that I have in my mind and through this create believes/opinions/ideas based on my own self judgment that is not real but created of the mind in a secret room in my head, realizing it is all self created and what is real is yet to be discovered through me to in the moment express myself as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to believe what I tell myself in my head in secret and to follow what I make up as justifications and reasons to not express myself in the moment as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be held back by fear as self judgment as future projections that I create in my head, that isn't real at all yet I believe it as to be true, realizing that in and as the physical as silence there is nothing but me here in and as the physical moving me as Life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be if I am not held back any more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to fear who i am when I am not holding myself back any longer to not express myself as LIFE one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for holding myself back through participating in the mind as thoughts/feeling/emotions and to trap myself deliberately with in and as the thoughts/feeling and emotions to not have to take the extra steps in change, as I realize I see this as to much effort and that I will actually have to dedicate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to fear dedicating myself to be here in each breath and to not postpone or hold myself back from expressing myself As Life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I express myself with in what is best for all life in all ways that I will draw more peoples attention that will hate me and attack me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that hate and get aggressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attract people that is aggressive and haters through my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I will do when I get haters or people that get aggressive toward me with in expressing myself fully with in what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others will react when I express myself in each breathe as that which is best for all life in all ways and to not postpone and to not give power to all the thoughts/feeling and emotions but to breathe and realize I am here and I am responsible for all life as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back with in waiting for approval from my environment and others first before I can express myself, realizing with in this I am compromising and sabotaging myself and might wait for eternity, thus it is up to me in each breathe when I express myself as I choose who I am in each breath and that it is all me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as one big excuse, realizing that I decide in each and every breathe, as the mind and as the physical who I am and thus there is actually no excuse in the end and I will have no excuse at death either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing to myself that there is no excuse which will reveal to me that all the time I have wasted is gone and can never be retrieved or re-gained and thus I now have to in and as breathe make up and do extra to get to where I should be and to get out of the trap of the mind that I have set myself and trapped myself with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself with my mind deliberately just so that I can have an excuse for why I did not express myself as LIFE as that which is best for all in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ME.

I commit myself to when ever I see a point comes up where I want to make a vlog to see if it is practical in the moment to do one immediately with out postponement and to do so, if I can not I make a note and I live my words as Who I am.

I commit myself to write and to apply self forgiveness when I see I am feeling trapped and to free myself from my own trap of the mind and to see what remains as me here as who I decide I am in and as the physical and to apply myself with in the certain area of my life.

I commit myself to when I see I judge myself or have any mind bullshit going on when I want to express myself in a certain area in my life are such as making music, doing a vlog, building a bird house, that I will write and clear myself and to look and consider all the points with in common sense and self honesty and to see if it real or not and to then accordingly apply myself with in self honesty.

Day 30 - Tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that every time I am tired that I must sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I am feeling tired that I am tired, lol it is only a feeling, realizing that when I breathe effectively and move myself that I actually will notice an interesting thing, I wake up, proving that the tiredness wasn't real but a mind fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tired when I go into resistance of something and want to rather hide away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sleeping when I suddenly feel tired as a way to hide, realizing that all I need is my 6 to 4 hours of sleep every night that is more than enough as I have proven to myself for 3 months now with doing full time work physically and mentally and thus realizing that any other tiredness is not real but an indication to where I am with in the mind as a resistance/hiding/seeking comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when I sometimes get tired it is when I am doing nothing, realizing that the tiredness has nothing to do with what I did but is a side effect of laziness and being in the mind as thoughts and back chat, draining the body of physical energy to fuel a alternate reality that isn't real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I feel tired and wanting to sleep, realizing it is a point of self honesty with in considering the starting point as who you are in that moment in breath t6hat determines what you do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible for me to stop- being tired with out sleeping first, realizing that I have in the past had many physical events that showed me when sleep is real and when not and that I can simply wake from the sleep or "get over it" through doing physical things and moving myself and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse I am tired to not have to do things.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that me saying I am tired the whole time is making me tired only to be able to use the excuse as a valid excuse that I am tired and cant/wont/don't want to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly accept feeling with in me as the truth with out questioning it such as feeling tired and with in that see what si real and what is not through physically testing it for myself if possible with in what is best for all life as myself in common sense and self honesty as who you are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be tired to avoid doing things, deliberately limiting myself and my world and my participation with in it and enslaving myself to the mind and saying that the mind may have power over me as I am no self will to move myself but the mind moves me as a energetic input5 as a robot.

I commit myself to when I feel a sudden tiredness to stop and question why, to look at the practical points, and thus with in that breathe and move myself or write about the point and to check if it is a mind fuck or actual physical tiredness where my body needs rest, as I will know when it is my mind that needs rest then I am in for a mind fuck, as that will be my indicator that I gave away my authority and power to the mind, to my tool, to my servant, and made the mind as my servant my master, as I as the physical is the master that uses the mind as a tool one and equal in functionality in and as the physical and to stop the mind tiredness through directing myself in movement, in breath as that which is best for all life as a self willed human in and as the physical.

 Bernard Poolman - Virus Free Mind

 Life Review - When the Mind Falls in the Face of Reality

Day 29 - Is it a Sin to be a Virgin.

Being a Virgin always felt like a sin, I could not tell my friends I was still a virgin, I made up stories and lied about it, mostly avoided it, when I watched movies like American Pie or Road Trip or Euro Trip and many other movies that are the same type, where with in the movies they would literally make it the goal in the movie to get someone to lose their virginity before a certain age or event, and that the person would be a loser if they do not get to have sex before the certain set time and date.

This really played a big part in my brainwashing as a teenager, I became obsessed with having to lose my virginity before I leave school, before I turn eighteen.

It felt like it was a sin to be a virgin, and that speaking it would curse my name and that people would see as if something was wrong with me.

I was successful, but the cost was high, I had to turn myself into someone I was not, someone that was  even more deceptive and manipulative to get a girl and to have sex, all for the idea that I had to lose my virginity before a certain age or time period otherwise I would have been a loser (according to who?), and to be frank, not one fucking thing changed after having sex multiple times, I was still me with myself, only now I was more of a monster inside, I became a asshole, a bastard, I misused many women, I abused them emotionally and myself, I made many promises and I said many things just to get to that one point, I was fading away, the child with in me, and I became a possessed human, a robot to fulfill only one goal as if was my entire life purpose. How freaking useless.

Time to take self responsibility and stop the abuse.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a virgin is a sin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as something being wrong with me if I am a virgin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear being labelled as a virgin, as someone that is incapable of having sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not lose my virginity before a certain age that it will be to late for me and I will die a virgin, realizing this is mind created bullshit that I accepted as brainwashing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not lose my virginity before I leave school that no girl will ever want to have me then with in the believe that I will be inferior to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior to those that has had lots of sex while I am still a virgin, realizing that this is all mind created bullshit based on self judgments, believes and ideas with in having conversations with myself in my secret space called the mind, realizing it is all self created with in what I accept and allow with in me as Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing the point of having sex with someone with in the principal of what is best for all life with in an agreed relationship where there is not deception, no manipulation, no ego, none of the bullshit, real communication and self forgiveness .

Life review - Ego + sex = Catastrophe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others will say about me if they have to find out I am still a virgin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced and directed by movies and the ideas and believes that movies portrayed as being right and wrong with in being a virgin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by friends and their opinions/believes/judgments/ideas about being a virgin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking about being a virgin as if it sinful and wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being incapable of having sex just because I am a virgin, realizing that I have not yet became a complete possessed robot that is only after sex through extensive deception and manipulation just to lose my virginity, and that I still am able to rather direct myself with in a agreed relationship where I can be self honest and direct with in the point of having sex, thus not having to degrade myself to a level of being an asshole and where I have to abuse women emotionally though promises and nice words to only get sex and in the end break their harts after I got my reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a virgin is a bad thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe being a virgin is a good thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in my mind as ideas and believe in relation to being a virgin, realizing that it inst about what is right or wrong, but that it is about self honesty with in directing myself first with in establishing myself as who I am as that which is best for all life, so that when the time comes that I have sex, that is not with in the starting point of ones own self gain tha always end up in abusive situations for both partners, but to rather first establish a agreement that is best for all so that the sex will be with in an agreed term that is directed and not through deception and manipulations as abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to lose my virginity according to fulfilling a mind idea/believe, realizing that this as the starting point is abuse and not what is best for all life as myself and will in the end only be harmful .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my virginity with in a direct confrontation situation where the opportunity is presented to me where no manipulation or deception is required, and to go into feeling insecure and not come to an agreement but to rather manipulate and deceive someone so that I may feel secure and in control and causing harm and abuse towards the other being and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make losing my virginity something sacred and special, realizing it is only what people brainwashed me to believe as their starting point of teaching us this is based on fear and judgments, instead of common sense and self honesty that is based on the principal of what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a mountain out of a ant's nest with in the idea and believe of losing my virginity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by porn and the ideas and believes around having sex and with in this literally MIND FUCK myself about losing my virginity as I now have created something more out of sex than what it 4really is, as two human being expressing themselves physically together with in an agreed relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself judge people that are virgins as being losers. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that are virgins as losers because I fear me being judged as a loser.

I commit myself to stop the chase for wanting to lose my virginity and to stop and breathe and to first look at myself and my starting point, is it with in what is best for all life or is it deception and manipulation and abusive and harmful to me or the other, and to first work on myself to clear myself from all mind created brainwashing Crap and to not be a clueless zombie that only wants to lose my virginity because of some pre-programmed ideas and believes with in me that wants me to do it, and to instead direct myself with in writing and self forgiveness and to get a clear understanding on what sex is and how it works and to not rush into a MINd Fuck, and to with in this stop all porn and pictures with in my mind that abuse and supports abuse and to first be clear, so that when I have sex that it will be a physical act with in what is best for all life with in an agreed relationship where there is no need for deception or manipulation, only breathing and moving with in agreement. 

Latest on Eqafe - Shocking secret of masturbation  

VISIT Desteni.org and see the Agreement course. investigate and see what it is about, it is great support for self with in this course,

here is a interview on Agreements. for some perspective.

Day 28 - conversations with myself.

The never ending conversations we have with ourselves, it is really stupid and unnecessary, talking about stuff and making decisions about stuff while talking to yourself about it, how can anything be relevant then, you are giving yourself feedback in your own mind, it is like the devil asking the devil for help lol.

Self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly believe and act as if talking to myself in my mind is "normal".

I forgive myself that I have not considered that as a child I did not have the conversations in my mind and that the conversations I have currently was/is created through me participating in my mind as past experiences and memories, as the conversations in my mind is actually the past playing out where I talk to myself scheming/planning/determining and gossiping about everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to entertain myself with having conversations with in my mind, realizing that with in this I am creating split personalities for myself that can with in space and time end up as some disease where I forget who I am and simply fade away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the conversations in my head is good for me, as I have proven to myself over time that the conversations in my head only leads to postponements, justifications, reasons and limitations with in my world, instead of acting in the physical with in the principal of what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the conversations in my head and that they are relevant, realizing that I am talking to myself and giving myself advice and feedback with no real physical feedback with different perspectives and actual common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the conversations in my head is good for me, realizing that when I talk to myself in my head I can easily create mind traps for myself where I get lost and will have no way of getting out because I trapped myself with in a limited space of information and limited concepts/ideas/common sense and thus I can not really ever help myself but only go in circles and occupy my mind and never really move with in and as the physical in this reality effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge with in the mind as having conversations with myself where I am always right and where the ego thrive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed the ego through having conversations with it in my mind where I can always win and be right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with in conversations with myself as the ego with in my mind where I can feel unchallenged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to addicted to the conversations within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate what I have accepted and allowed with in my life that has created a voice in my mind with whom I have conversations with and to take self responsibility for it and forgive myself to end the separation and the limitation and enslavement of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself through talking to myself in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through having conversations with in my mind with myself where I end up judging myself, creating fear with in myself, creating expectations with in myself, postponing doing things in my world, justifying things, gossiping and blaming and hate speech and everything that basically exist in this world that is fucking up this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to have a secret world with in my mind where only I can talk to myself and have conversations, that no one else can see or hear, not realizing that this should have been a BIG indicator that there is something terribly wrong, that something such as this exists, as it creates a world where no trust can exist or actual real relationships with real communication as there is always secret conversations that gives direction in a physical world that is real.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that having secret conversations in my mind with myself as the mind is actually a big red light that must show me something isn't right as I am existing as two being while presenting only one tow others as this is deception and evil.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that with i having conversations in my mind with myself I am giving permission for my mind to create demons with in me that can take over through only my consent and harm others and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where all humans have secret conversations with in their minds, and for not seeing and realizing that this is why the world is the way it is, everyone for themselves and a world full of demon possessed people, as they present themselves one way but have a secret someone inside of themselves that never reveals itself till it is to late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power and relevance to the conversations in my mind.

I commit myself to when ever I see I am talking to myself to look at what it is I am talking about and to look within myself why? And to question the conversation and to stop the pattern through applying the tools that I have such as writing, self forgiveness, self honesty and using common sense to stop and to birth myself in and as the physical where I am a living being and not a thinking being, one and equal as life in and as the physical as that which is real.

I commit myself to when I find myself thinking and having conversations with myself to stop and to bring myself back here to the physical, either through moving myself or doing something practical, playing with the dogs or walking, and to with in these actions birth myself here, to not exist as a thought that will fade away, but to be life one and equal as actual living being where I am one and not two separate being.

I commit myself to breathe and to stop the conversations with in my mind, and when I find I can not to use the tools I have and write it out so that I can see me in front of me, and to then self forgive myself to stop the pattern and rebirth myself, to be the child as I was where I ahd no thoughts, no conversations in my mind but to express myself in and as the physical one and equal in each breathe unconditional.

Day 27 - I have to impress them.

meeting new people? Do you feel you have to impress them and that if you do not then they will think bad of you, ever felt like you have to hold onto this image and idea of yourself when meeting new people and that you have to maintain this idea and image, it is really tiring and drains you empty.

Be yourself is an option, Who are you as yourself? Well.. you decide!!

Self Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to impress people that I meet for the first time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and sell myself as a good person to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a bad person in other peoples eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as someone that is different from the rest and thus not being accepted.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept me as who I decide who I am as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as less than in others eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than others in my own eyes through my own self judgments and comparisons towards others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and fit in instead of being here in consideration of all as myself and to be self honest with myself in each breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by others, realizing that I do not exist to be accepted, I exist as life as that which is best for all life and thus Who I am is determined by me and thus no acceptance needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget who I am when I meet new people and to allow a personality to take over as the mind as energetic experience that drains me and runs on feed back that has a polarized system as I will feel good one moment and them bad, sabotaging me and compromising my integrity, realizing that remaining in breath as who I am in each breath is much simpler and can stand the test of space and time as Life as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to impress people as who I am in order for them to accept me as Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not impress people that they will pick on me and abuse me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to impress people in order for my existence to have meaning and purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to impress people in order for me to feel that I am a whole being once the impression was a success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that who I am isn't enough and that I have to add to who I am with in my presentation to people to make me seem more, realizing that this is a fals image and can not be sustained and that who I am I will always know as I will always be with me, thus the change must be with in and not how I impress others to simply feel better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will not accept me as who I am and thus I feel and believe that I have to impress them to hide who I am so that I may feel comfortable and better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek acceptance from others through wanting to impress them as an idea and an image I have in my mind that I uphold as being acceptable with in my observations and judgments from my environment, thus manipulating the other beings and deceiving them as I deceive myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive others through giving a false impression of myself, instead of breathing and being here in consideration of all one and equal with in what is best for all life, true to myself, self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to press me as a idea and imposed image onto others to feel accepted and comfortable around them, while I do not feel comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people will not accept me as who i am, and through this assumption compromise myself and sabotage myself completely.

I forgive myself that I assume people will not accept me as who i am through self judgment as not being good enough and fear of not being accepted and be seen as a outcast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being an outcast.

II forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my insecurities from other through imposing a impression of myself onto them so that I may seem stable, strong, friendly,

 forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and impress others that I meet through portraying myself as someone to be liked, as someone that is happy and friendly so that they may feel they can accept me and feel comfortable around me, just so that I can get a permission from them to be myself later on and be comfortable with myself and to be accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being an outcast and that I am less than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with in the mind consciousness system of having to impress people and not being myself, and through this support the beauty industry and fashions that exist today that kills and tortured and abuse billions of animals and plant live just so that people can hide who they are and to impress others for the sake of it and not having to be themselves and comfortable in their own skins.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and allow a world of pretending people to exist and live with in through my own pretending and wanting ti impress people with in myself.

I commit myself to when I meet new people, to breathe and to not change, to remain here in self honesty and to test for myself self honestly what is real and what is not and to with in this change and live the application of self forgiveness. 

some cool interviews. - Fabric of society 

 

Day 26 - Don't interrupting my conversation

I hate it when I am speaking/talking and someone interrupts me and just go on talking with out caring if I was busy talking. And by the time they are dong everything I said simply is forgotten, and the whole conversation has turned and everyone Else's focused had shifted and do not care what I was busy saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when someone else suddenly interrupts a conversation where I was saying something and simply starts talking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when I am interrupted while I am talking and having a conversation and the other person just goes at it with out caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel it is unfair that someone else can simply interrupt me while I was talking and that everyone else simply shifts their attention so easily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I have been betrayed by the other person that simply interrupts me as if I do not exist and they do not give a crap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being little and not valid when someone else interrupts me while I was talking and simply ignores me as if I wasn't there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to want to physically hurt some when they do that just because I feel that they disrespected me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect disrespect to being interrupted,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if someone interrupts me that they disrespect me, realizing that it has nothing to do with disrespect, that it is simply a sign of the other being not being aware in consideration of their reality in the physical here, as they were boiling over with thoughts and back chat that just had to come out and could not direct themselves to wait and speak their turn, as I see that I have done this and this is how I have experienced it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation in people listening to me when I speak, and thus with in this I create it personal when I am interrupted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have back chat about the other person when they interrupt me, instead of breathing and remaining here till they are done and then continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be spiteful towards the other person after they interrupted me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get revenge towards the person that interrupted me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make it personal with the person that interrupted me just so that I can feel better about myself if we have conflict and I can make the other person feel bad about themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the ego to exist with in conversations and so when I am interrupted I realize that only the ego can take it personal and make something out of it to regain its energy and not have to feel little and insecure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others and to judge them when they interrupt a conversation where I was speaking, realizing that I can only judge if I have judge myself first and so I must look into my life and see where I do similar things and judge myself for it and to first take self responsibility for myself as all life one and equal and so be the living example.

I commit myself to when I am interrupted in a conversation to stop any reaction and take a breath and to remain in breathe till I can speak again and simply continue.

I commit myself to to use the tools that I have such as writing, self forgiveness, self honesty, common sense and to apply them when I see the point coming up and to stop the ego as the mind consciousness system and to re-birth myself as life as that which is best for all life and be a living example.

Day 25 - Massaging someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist massaging another when I am asked to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when someone asks me to massage them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have back chat when someone asks me to massage them because I feel I am being used.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am being used when someone asks me to massage them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to massage someone when they ask me in the believe that it isn't my job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within what I can and can not do according to what I identify as being my job and what is not my job to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make massaging someone a job as in taking effort, instead of me expressing my with out limits with in and as the physical in each breathe here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind to place limits on what I can and can not do through self created believes and ideas that I accept as my own limitations through back chat that I participate within my mind and make it real, thus building up a energetic response towards the idea of having to massage someone and that is it a job a effort, realizing that in fact in the physical it is simple and easy to give someone a massage and that I actually always end up enjoy doing it, but because of the mind and the back chat I create the opposite in my mind and so react and impose limitations onto myself that is unnecessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I am tired to not give someone a massage when I am asked, and so with in this accept and allow the self imposed limitation of myself and how I can and can not express myself according to a mind idea/believe that isn't real, as I have time and again proven to myself that once I start giving a massage even after the justification that I ended up not feeling tired anymore and actually awake and more relaxed myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the reason that I never get massages so why should I give any to anyone else as a reason that is valid, with in this I am actually only limiting myself and creating a experience of myself that I do not enjoy as I know it isn't valid because it isn't about what others do, it is about who I am that determines what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to use reasons and justification to defend my own limitations, instead of breathing and pushing myself with in and as the physical to move beyond my own accepted and allowed limitations and to change who I am as that which is best for all life. A being that can move with out limitations as the mind created believes and reasons and justification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry when I am asked to massage someone because I feel that I have to take my time and spend it on someone else just so that they can feel better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as spitefulness and being a nasty fuck where I say fuck you to people in my mind and place judgments onto them as if I am a rightcious god that has the right to do so with his perfect reasons and justifications, realizing that with in this I am creating my own limitations and enslavement, because through this I am taking away my ability to ask for a massage and to receive one as I will only get what I give equally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that "do onto another as you would like to be done onto yourself" is a statement that is actually lived and applied in this world currently, we are all living it in what is only best for ourselves and thus we are fucking up life and earth and that this needs to change through doing what is best for all life, as a massage is a point of giving, giving unconditionally with out expectation or wanting reward, but to give as who you are as life one and equal, and what you will receive will not be a "massage in return" but instead a world that is better for all life as who you are is what determines what you do will become the living expression as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not give good massages and with in this fear resist giving massages and always saying no, never training myself and bettering my skill and breaking the self accepted created limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good enough to massage someone when they ask me and that when I do massage them they will only be disappointed and through this self judgment stop giving massages and react to everyone that asks just to avoid te self judgment becoming a reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be spontaneous when someone asks me to give them a massage and to simply say yes and do it.

I commit myself to give a massage to whim ever asks me to massage them to say yes and to do it, so that I may see that what ever I created in my mind as reasons and judgments and justifications aren't real at all as I just proved it wrong in the living application.

I commit myself to stop the self created limitations I place on myself through self created believes and ideas and to push through them through moving myself in and as the physical and to re-birth myself in each breath as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to stop the reasons/justification with in my mind when asked to massage someone, and to always say yes to a massage if I react in the moment of being asked and to then so work through the reaction till there is only self movement and breathe and no other forced that decides for me as a energetic possession that is self created through participating in the mind as thoughts/back chat.

I

Day 24 - some Stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with in stressing about thing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that being stressed about things does not help at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body and myself through stressing about things instead of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that stress is simply a way the mind reacts when participating in thoughts, projections and living in a fight or flight mode.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in stress of the future instead of living here in each breathe as all that is here, so that my actions here determines the future equally as here in the present and to not live dishonesty in the present that creates a fear for the future and thus creates stress and projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the thoughts i have in my mind and to move into an energetic experience as stress with in my body, instead of breathing and remaining here, relaxing my body and to direct myself in practicality here as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with in thoughts in my mind that create tension in my body as stress and so live in stress and actually harm my body, realizing that I create stress myself through deliberately participating in the mind as energy that then possesses the body as "stress"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and participate with in the mind as thoughts as energy, realizing that when I participate with in the mind as future projection thoughts/ideas/believes that I place my self and my body in a fight or flight mode in fear of the future and thus causes stress and tension to harm my body and to direct me. Instead of breathing here and remaining practical in the moment, so that my actions here is with in consideration of all time, past present and future with in the principal of what is best for all life in all ways, as this will not create any dishonesty with in self and all actions and so no stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that stress is normal, realizing it is all mind created and imposed onto the physical body, compromising self and self movement through participating in thoughts and the mind as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the energetic experience of being stressed, realizing that stress is actually harming my physical body, as I have seen for myself that when i am stresses I get sick more easily and my immune system is down, as I am moving in unawareness when stressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that stress helps me, when the physical evidence clearly shows that stress in the long term harms the body and has many side effects that is abusive and self inflicted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself in future projections as fear and survival and with in this cause stress and tension on the body that limits and harm me with in an constant energetic experience as if I am tied and in a cooling room , instead of breathing and being relaxed and moving fluently in each moment as that which is best for all life.

I commit myself to when I see I go into thoughts and energy, to stop and breathe and to use the tools that I have as breathing, writing, self forgiveness, common sense and to stop the cause and affect of stress and to be self honest with myself.

It is like you are falling out of a plane with nothing on you, you will die, it is definite, you have a choice, either you stress the whole fall down and really make it suck ass and experience yourself as shit, or you can simply breathe, because you realize stress will not change anything in the moment, it is all about who you are. As life or not!

Day 23 - running out of energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within patterns of energy as moods, that is not best for me and not best for all, as moods and energy changes and determines who I am instead of me in each breathe as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with in a system of polarities such as energy where the one energy relies o the other to exist, thus going into good moods and then bad moods and so FUCK with myself and everyone around me that is unnecessary and not best for all life, as it only ends up in abuse and conflicts that has not value, no real matter with in what is here and best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that any energetic experience I have with in me is valid or real, I realize that what is real is here in the physical as that which we all equally share in all ways and that what is with in the mind or with in self as an energy is simply a self created feeling/emotion that occupies self to keep self enslaves to false gods as thoughts/pictures/memories as the mind consciousness system to feed of the real god as the physical, as LIFE here in the flesh for its own energetic experiences as negative or positive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give validation to any energetic feeling/emotion/experience I have with in me, blindly through the believe that if I can/am experiencing it with in me that it must be real, realizing that I am making it real and keeping it real only with in me through validating it as real with in me, realizing I can simply stop the connection I validate it with and the energy that directs me and that determines who I am through my acceptance and allowance and stop and start directing myself here in the physical one and equal as Life, as that which is best for all life as myself in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by energy as positive and negative.

I forgive myself that I have not considered before that I can stop all energy as polarities with in me and direct myself in the physical with in each breath and that no inner energetic experiences are needed for this simple self directive movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  be addicted to energetic experiences I have with in me, if they are positive or negative and to be a slave to these energies through letting them move me as a slave with a invisible whip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave to energy as positive or negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in all ways through only move myself depending on how I feel as a negative or positive experiences, realizing that I can do and move myself so much more and effectively if I move as the physical instead of the mind as a limited confined space based on thoughts and energy that created boundaries and limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am what I experience with in me as a positive or negative energy, realizing that if I continue to live as an energy I will end up as one simply dying out once there is nothing to keep my energy going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place some energies higher than others just because of how they feel to me, realizing that with in this I am creating the lows just so that I can experience the highs, and so create a life of self abuse and abusing others just so that I can have my energy hits as highs and lows to feel/believe I am alive while I was only existing as a light bold, switching on and off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to not see and realize that the energy addiction existent with in this world as moods/experiences as positive/negative is what is creating the world the way it is, where children has abusive homes depending on how daddy or mommy feels, and where wars break out and millions are killed, depends on how the countries feel, and that money is the ultimate HIGH in energy people can ask for, and thus everyone is doing their best to fuck up LIFE here on earth just so that they can have their HIT (energy) as happiness, neglecting LIFE as one thing and separating everything instead and thus creating/accepting/allowing extensive abuse/deception and inevitable consequences for all equally.

I commit myself to identify all energetic patterns with in my life where I have accepted and allowed energy to move me and to determine who I am and to stop the energy experience thought breathing and t see what I am doing, if it is practical or not if it is best for all life or not, is it common sense or not and to be self honest with myself and change, and to stop energy enslavement as the mind consciousness system.

I commit myself to stop all moods and to write, self forgive, be self honest with myself and to stop the moods, stop the roller-coaster of energy and to remain here in each breath as that which is best for all, so that I may be the same, stable and to be myself as a living expression and not an robotic energetic being moving and functioning only as he/she feels through data input output. 

 Life Review - I Believed I was Superior to my Mind

Day 22 - walk alone as LIFE. (all as one)

I walk alone - this is not referring to actual walking but a walk with in LIFE.

Today the point opened up, No matter what I do, where I am, with who I ma or how I am, I am always alone with myself and Who I am.

Through out my life I have tried surrounding myself with what ever I could just not be alone, yet I always felt alone, the nights or days where I would be by myself in my room in front of the PC or where I am at party's, at school or in any public place or with any person in my life, I always had a experience of myself  being alone, no matter how much I made someone love me or loved someone else or no matter how much I tried keeping things close to me, I was always alone, because I realized that when the time comes - this time will be death - I will be all alone with myself as WHO I AM.

So Tonight I was standing outside to stretch my legs and as I was standing there I realized I was thinking, and not here at all, I was in my mind, I looked at a rock on the ground and I stopped thinking, I could see the rock, I noticed the rock, I then looked around me and I saw reality here, the physical, I then realized I am alone, no matter how many thoughts or feelings or emotions I fill myself up with to hide the fact that I am alone with myself - it is inevitable that I will at death, the same as everyone else face myself alone, I realized in that moment that all thoughts, all emotions, all memories will simply be gone, and who will I be by myself with out all the thoughts, emotions and feeling and memories that I used to hide and keep the truth from myself. 

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone with in my walk as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking alone as myself as who I am this life within re-birthing myself as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the word "alone" a negative energy charge through what I have seen in movies, magazines and that I have heard from others as their opinions believes and judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge "alone" as being a bad thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being "alone" with a negative energy, realizing that as Life being alone or being with people must not change who I am as who I am as one and equal as all life, thus being one with all that is here alone as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a personality separate from me when I am alone that determines who I am, instead of being here in each breath equal and one with all that exist as life, with in this I am never alone but here as all life as myself as Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with thoughts and the mind  to hide from the fact that I am alone no matter what I do or where I am, because I will always be with me as one being facing myself in all ways with in what I accept and allow to exist as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with feeling and emotions as a way to run and hide from being alone with myself as Who I am, and to face myself as who i am within all self honesty and to correct myself with in re-birthing myself as life, so that when I am alone that I do not change but remain equal and one as all that is here in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create multiple personalities for myself with in my mind to talk to by myself where ever I am, just so that I should not be alone with myself here in the physical, as I have attached a negative emotional feeling with in being alone, realizing that no matter how much I try and hide that I am alone as all that is here one and equal as me, that I will face myself as all that is here one and equal at death for what I have accepted and allowed to exist with in the world as consequences as WHO I AM, either as life or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest and create a world of entertainment and abuse with in all relationships through the fear of loss through the fear of being alone, realizing that all I have ever done with in all relationships was only out of fear and not actual care for LIFE as myself, as I only wanted to hold on to everything just so that I should not be alone and facing myself as WHO I AM!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on the fear of being alone, and with in this enslave and manifest a world of slavery where I believe I can hold on to things as long as I can just so that I should not be alone, realizing that through these actions I have separated myself from all LIFE as that which is here and neglected life instead through becoming greedy with in holding onto things and exploiting things for my own self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and hide my oneness with all life though the fear of being alone with myself as who I am as all life as one in fact and to with in this fear act out and create the world that exist today with all other beings here, as I have accepted and allowed them as myself to continue living and acting out in fear of being alone, fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self responsibility for who I am as being alone, being one as all in fact and to stand up and take responsibility for what is here, as I realize that who I am all alone with myself is what is creating this world/reality and so as I change who I am with in each breathe, I change what is here as me as one as equals.

Commitments.

I commit myself to be with myself where ever I am as I rebirth myself, so that I will be certain and clear on WHO I AM alone with myself so that no one else may determine it but only me, and to write and apply self forgiveness and using the tools that is here to birth myself as life, as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to stand alone, with in standing alone as me I take complete self responsibility for myself as WHO I AM, stopping all blame and projection and all judgments, thus I commit myself to when I see I go into blame, judgment, projection to write it out and to apply self forgiveness as I realize  that in those moments I am not standing alone as myself but instead of placing it on others as blame, judgment, projection in fear of being alone with myself stopping the lie that I have created myself as in the fear of being alone.

I commit myself to when ever I see I attach myself to someone/something to stop and to bring everything back to self where I can stand alone with myself in self honesty and to rebirth myself as life one and equal as all that is here, to stop all fear and separation and to stand as one as all (alone) as equals in each breath.

I commit myself to expose and stop all abuse with in myself where I have separated myself from life in fear of loss, being alone and where I have abused and manipulated to attache people/things to be to hide the fear, but to instead expose the fear, the lie and to face myself as WHO I AM alone and to re-birth myself as life one and equal as all that is here as Life as that which is best for all life as myself.

Understand walking alone, does not mean alone physically like leave everything and everyone and be alone, it is with in self, taking self responsibility for self and WHO I AM with in self to be able to stand alone at all times as LIFE as all is one, to end fear and separation that is manifesting this world the way it is in abuse and deception and suffering as the consequences.

identify brainwashing/viruses with - Bernard Poolman -Virus Free Mind