Day 19 - The pattern of violent thoughts.

When in town, thoughts come up of me having to fight someone, having to defend myself against other people that is in my environment.

This creates a constant inner fight with myself and who I am, as I completely change who I am in order to impose an idea onto others, the idea is - do not fuck with me or you will regret it.

This pattern and behavior is un- acceptable  and not best for all life or myself.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and facing who I am with in the fear of others as a physical manifested consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind as thoughts of  fear towards my fellow beings, and to react on it and so create and manifest violent thoughts with in me of fighting/defending myself against others in my mind as my imagination and future play outs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create future play outs of situations in my mind of violent breaking outs and happening to me with other human beings where I have to then fight them and even kill them in the name of survival of the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to with in comparing myself and my physical body to other human beings to see how I can fight them and beat them up to protect me and to be the one that survives and not have to get hurt or die and be seen as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as weak and with in accepting this fear as valid I have created the believe that if I have a violent conflict situation where I can fight and win that I will feel strong and not weak about myself and be able to live with out the fear I constantly have every day towards my fellow beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have violent thoughts/imaginations towards and about my fellow beings for the fear that I carry and create with in me towards them as being dangerous and violent.

I forgive myself that I have not realize that I am actually the violent and dangerous being in my world, as I am the one having the violent thoughts and imagination, and thus I only project what I accepted and allow with in me onto other to not have to take self responsibility for myself and to change, to stop being a threat to my fellow beings and to be able to live together as equals, thus I realize I must stop my thoughts and my imagination and I must stop being a threat to my fellow beings through stopping my participation in the fear/thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own violent thoughts and imaginations onto others as them being the cause, the threat and that I must be ready to fight and to be ruthless in any moment to protect my ego and my self interest and insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fight from the starting point of wanting to win a fight so that I might feel better about myself and to feel/belief that I do not have to fear my fellow beings as I am able to fend for myself physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a fight with a random stranger so that I can see if I am able to protect and defend myself in a world where I see/belief every human is a threat and is out to hurt me physically, realizing this makes only me the one that is out to hurt someone physically and thus I am the only threat and the only fear walking around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that if I fight and participate in violence that I will feel better after wards as I have now faced my fear and I survived, realizing that If such an event occur I have no way/idea what the actual physical outcome might be and that I might die, realizing it is all mind and imagination and thus it is not real at all as it was created from the ego, where the starting point is always self interest and thus I always win in my mind, thus it can never be trusted at all or even take is serious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in violent thoughts, the violent thoughts I participate in and give power to are the same ones that cause and accept and allow all wars, all violence in this world, and thus I am responsible for all wars and violence as me, as I accept and allow them in me and justify them in me I am doing so with in this world with in others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my fellow beings, realizing that if I fear them I am giving them a reason to fear me, and thus I am creating and manifesting a world of fear where I accept and allow violence to be the answer for fear and resolving it, and thus I create wars and destruction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a terrorist in my mind towards my fellow beings in the fear of that they might hurt me through my own self created ideas and belief in my mind according to my own self judgments and insecurities about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure around other beings and to judge myself around other beings as not being good enough, as not being strong enough and as not being a person that is able, and thus I desire and fear a situation where I can have a fight to proof to myself and others the opposite of that which I judge myself as and feel insecure about, realizing it is all about stopping the evil with in self as the root cause and continuation of a world of violence and suffering.

I commit myself to stop all violence with in me, so that I may walk as the correction and to be able to support and assist others to see that the fear we have for each other is the fear that creates violence, and thus top stop the fear with in self!! Is to stop the fear of each other that can result in violence such as wars.

I commit myself to use the tools that have been given to me such as writing, forgiving myself and self honesty with common sense to take apart the systems with in me so that I am able to take apart the systems with in this world as our systems and to from that start re-creating a new world through understanding and educating my fellow beings equally as me.

I commit myself to be disciplined with in identifying the pattern of violence and fear with in me and to stop giving it attention and validating it to end the fearful world we live in as myself first and from there expand onwards to create a world with out fear.

Day 17 - Let my EGO punch something NOW.

During my day I have these moments where I feel I have achieved something, like finishing a project or getting a good score in the reading program I am doing, or I will say something and it was great and it made a lot of sense, mostly when these thing occur I see that I feel I have achieved something I did not expect even from myself.

In those moments I feel happy and more alive, with in this energetic experience I also experience my body getting all pumped up and ready to move do something, usually I would end up wanting to punch something from the feeling of happy, feeling good, feeling like I have some power now and I can use it.

I usually end up punching the ply traps hanging from the roof and then they swing a bit.

I also notice sometimes I loos myself and even consider giving someone (a person) a 'fun" punch.

So I also looked at my past and where there were occasions when I wanted to fight another person, and I found that when I wanted to do such things I usually was in a good mood, feeling like I have power, because of previous events that took place that day that made me feel like I achieved something, that made me feel more.

Instead of breathing and being here in the physical I turn it into ego and energy, this leads to violence and putting people and objects in danger, just because I feel good, I am happy, I feel more powerful.

I realized it is a possession of ego/energy and thus it is not what is best for all life, it has to stop, how did I get to the point in the first place for feeling bad about myself in such a way that when I suddenly feel good about myself I am highly charged up and ready for violence, obviously through self judgment.

Time to break the pattern and stop the self abuse and possible abuse of others, stop the ego.

Self Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad person that never does anything right, thus when I do something right in the eyes of others I feel good and better about myself and suddenly powerful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect doing something effective to being a good person, instead of realizing that  it isn't what I do that determine who I am but who I am that determines what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad person, I realize that if I judge myself as a bad person as the total opposite of a good person then I will feel over loaded with energy if I believe I have done something good and be possessed by the energy as the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel myself with a good energy just so that I do not have to feel bad about myself through my own self judgments during the day in such a way that I become over whelmed by the energy and need to get it out through punching or doing something physical that could lead to potentially harming another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with in violence when I feel good and powerful, realizing that this is only feeding the polarity of when I feel bad about myself to exist, instead of breathing and remaining here as that which is best for all life as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that hitting someone softly because I am happy is innocent, realizing that the more I continue to validate it as being okay the worse it can become in time as I create more and more justifications to why it is innocent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the "i want to punch something because I am happy" as being okay because it is a good feeling, realizing that I am connecting violence that put fellow beings/things in danger to being good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect violence to being good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the good feeling grow and so also the wanting to punch something to become bigger and bigger, realizing that one day I might not even realize what i am doing while I am possessed with feeling good and hurt someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to empower myself with violence when I feel good with in the believe that it is okay because I feel good about it, realizing that the good I am feeling is actually an energetic possession of my mind that I have given permission to take over my body and to direct me as a physical demon charged positively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with in violence when I feel good, realizing this is the same reason for why people join the army and why people are patriots and are willing to kill and hurt others, as they believe they are doing it because they are doing something good, not realizing that they are actually hurting other beings while they are feeling good about it.

I commit myself to stop and breath when ever I go into feeling good about myself where I want to punch something and to break the connection I have made in my mind between feeling good and punching something.

I commit myself to stop this pattern through using the tools I have such as writing, self forgiveness and self honesty to stop what I allow and accept with in me and so with in this world as war, violence and abuse.

I commit myself to not participate with in this pattern and to continue the ignorance with in supporting the ego as the mind that takes over in an energetic possessive state where I loose control of my actions for a brief moment due to not being aware of what I am doing as I am following a energy with in me.

I commit myself to when I have completed a task or have done something I haven't done before to breathe and to not create the connection with in my mind as what is good and what is bad, but to simple make it part of what has been done and needed to be done as me, and to with in this stop all self judgments as I replace it with Breathing.