Day 569 - I am just not enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe and judge myself that I am just not enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good enough as a fact within me that I am not good enough, through the input of this world that I have received, from society, family, media and to submit and become that which I believe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not smart enough as a fact within me and to have thoughts/backchat/emotions/feelings about myself where I continuously confirm within me this to be true, and to then live this believe equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and live the believe as a fact within me that I am NOT tall enough, as an idea/image within my mind of what I believe I should be to be the right, and thus I am wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am now Strong enough as a fact within me within all the believes and comparisons and ideas I have within my mind to set the case against myself and to always lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not Capable enough as a fact within me, where I use past experiences/moments/memories to confirm that I am not capable enough and to thus sabotage any and every opportunity, even within self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am just not old enough, to do what I want to do with confidence, believing that confidence comes with age, and experiences, and to within this believe hold back and to not act, stand, breathe and direct and rather wait for others to do so that I judge as old enough, experienced enough and that has the right image of age to do what needs to be done, seeing and realizing that I will wait forever and only prolong my process and the process as life one and equal by waiting within this believe/excuse/justification

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not tough enough, within and as the believe that I must be though, where I have gotten an image and idea from and as the system that toughness is required from a human being to survive and live in this world, seeing and realizing that toughness as an interior and exterior is exactly what is wrong with this world and actually only exposes a weakness within self and thus as a manifestation within this world, where everything is though.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being quiet enough yet, where I am within the believe that I must be quiet immediately now, and to within this believe compromise myself with more voices and self-talk that is judgment of me not being what I desire, or aim to be as being quiet within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within the believe that I am not rich enough, where I have placed my self-value and who I am within riches that is external outside of me, instead of seeing and realizing that the riches the world has presented as adding value to a person is of the mind as the enslavement system that is here where one forgets oneself and thus never focus on oneself as everything one defines oneself according to is placed out of reach, never looking at self as LIFE as all that is here in oneness and equality and to stop the separation of riches and poverty to exist first within self and so without as ones living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and to judge myself as not being healthy enough, where I compare myself and my health to some image and picture within my mind of what a perfect healthy person should look like and act like, as this picture is unreachable and a creation of the mind, thus not practical or within the consideration of the physical and what is here, and so I place myself on a never ending search for being healthy and achieving that image/idea/opinion and thus in return within the law or polarity that I have accepted and allowed myself to live by I create the polarity that I am not healthy and always lacking something, always missing something, always just not healthy enough and thus actually sick and in need of help constantly, always in a constant fear of what will become of me if I do not reach that perfect healthy, thus my disease it actually once again the mind and my unhealthiness is of the mind, as fear as thoughts/feeling and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being popular enough, where I have added a certain believe of myself and who I am within how popular I am, as the idea/believe/opinion is that if I am popular then that means I am doing it right, that I am on the right track, that I am finally worth something in other people’s eyes, and thus create the exact polarity within myself as my experience, that I am not valuable, that I do not mean anything, that I am not doing the right things, that I am on the wrong track, and thus I live a life of discouragement and putting myself down, or where I run after something in my mind to show me that what I do it worth doing, that it is the right thing to do, which I will never reach as I know and understand that popularity is a mind system, as within and without where only a few is selected to deliberately create separation and create enslavement to the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being disciplined enough, where my definition of the word discipline is still defined within me according to past experiences, media and society, where discipline is still an image, certain way of how to live and be and seen as disciplines in OTHERS eyes, and thus discipline will never be enough for me, and thus I will never be disciplined enough, as the system/Mind deliberately create and place what key factors are within ones life as something not reachable and out there, and to accept and allow this within myself I always judge myself and guilt trip myself for nor reaching this discipline within my mind, thus I see and realize that I must redefine discipline for myself to become a practical living word that I can live as who I am in each breath, where it isn’t something I force upon me but where I live it as an expression of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and to judge myself as not being technical enough, where I have taken this word and I have compared myself to everyone else I know that is/are technical or that I have perceived as being technical within my world and to place myself as less than others and to then separate myself from others and placing myself in a different box, instead of seeing and realizing that if someone else that I see as being technical and good at it where it works, that I can s a equal and one human being be technical as the other person and that I am as capable, as the other person is an example to me to show me it can be done, it is possible and not impossible, and to within this push myself to develop myself to become technical and to allow and accept help, support and assistance within humbleness through understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being gentle enough, within comparing myself to others who I have defined as being gentle towards others, through my definition of what gentleness is to me, and to within this interpret what others are doing as being gentle within my definition, where I have set my definition of the word gentleness as something separate from me through past experiences where I have judged myself as not being a gentle person and to within this hold it against myself and thus separate myself from gentleness and thus I will never be gentle enough even if I try my hardest to express and be gentle, as long as the memory/experience lies within me as a LIE I told myself and believed, then I will never be able to be enough as the gentleness I will attempt to live will be seen as a lie within me while I am living gentleness and thus my living of gentleness will be a consistent self-judgment and self-sabotage, as this is the design of the mind to always attempt and keep a person limited and to never be enough.

Day 132 – Living Commitment – Day 4 of 21

Continuing from Day 131 day 3 of 21 from this section – 

Quote: “So I learned that Authority has the power to punish you without even explaining in detail what was happening, what is happening and why and why was it asked of me to stop and to sit still, or to not scream, or to not touch a certain thing in the house, this gets taught to me only when I am older and all the damage was already done through the parents reactions/emotions/feelings instead of breathing and directing situations in common sense in real physical support as to what is here in this physical reality, it is not like a baby is born with the knowledge of what everything is. This should be a basic common sense point.” End Quote.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn to accept and allow that Authority has the power to punish without reason and that I must accept it as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow Authority to Punish and to abuse without having a reason that is within the best interest of all life and that I have within this always just accepted and allowed the world to continue in abuse due to the decisions Authority make in this world even if it is destroying forests and the oceans and killing animals and creating wars, as I have learned to accept and allow that “Authority” knows best and therefore I can “trust” what they are doing even if it is Killing LIFE, as what was taught to me as a child, within the belief that it is for love, that the decisions and actions taken by Authority is done so because the Authority loves me/us and always have our best interest as heart, when in fact it is but only self interest and money that makes the decisions and the only love authority have for me/us is to give them the authority they want/need to do as they please, and this is done easily as long as I/everyone beliefs we are BAD people and deserve to be punished and suffer and that we as the Bad people have no right to speak up, to question and to SAY NO MORE and that we demand change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all people have the belief that they are born into sin, thus the belief that we are all BAD people and have no Right to to do anything but subject and give up and give in and be punished as our daily survival, as survival is based on the Idea that you must fight for your food/roof/water because you are to bad to have it simply given to you in a perfect world system such as the Equal Money System.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and as the belief of myself that I am a bad person and within this belief have the attitude of “I have no right to trust myself, belief in myself, to give a new world to myself that is best for all life” because I am so bad, look at the world, the world is telling me I am so bad all the time, the Media says I am fat the whole time, the Media says I am unhealthy the whole time, the Media says I am not working hard enough the whole time, the Media keeps showing me what I should have had by now if I was a Good Hard working person.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the world is built and kept the way it is because of people that has been brainwashed and educated to belief they are BAD and thus created Broken characters that keeps the Broken world the way it is.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as Long as the Media such as the newspapers and magazines and TV shows me perfect clear pictures and advertisements they are in opposite telling me I am not that and thus a bad person if I have not self respect/honor or integrity to not accept and allow bullshit that is only made to capitalize of the billions through deception/manipulation and mind control through constantly putting in ideas/pictures/opinions into the human mind that was never perfected as a part of life and thus is completely vulnerable to anything those with money wants to do with them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I breathe in awareness as myself as the director breathing I can not process thinking (brainwashing/mind control) and thus as long as I am thinking I must realize that I am busy with brainwashing myself and controlling my mind by myself and participating in the religion of self and that this is all a malfunction of the human robot not being perfected in the first seven years of life to what is here and how everything functions as LIFE and thus can and IS used against you for self interest and profit gain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that Breathing is the KEY to stopping all brainwashing and mind control and all of that which isnt me directing and deciding for myself to LIVE as that which is best for all life in ALL ways.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself go into fear and anxiety of Authority to breathe and to stop the thoughts that resonate within me as energy that takes over the body as a resonant possession and to breathe and to bring myself back here and to realize through the breathing that the thoughts is but a creation of myself and that I am the one creating them and thus I can stop them, and to realize that they have no meaning unless I give them meaning as to participate within them and give them power and following them.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am not breathing that I am in fact within thoughts/mind, to stop and in awareness breathe and be here, to breathe and be here, and to breathe and be here and to continue supporting myself with and as Breathe till the thoughts stop, the same way I created them in space and time I will remove/stop them in space and time through breathing, till only breath remains and I am here as self support for myself within re-birthing myself as Life one and equal.

I commit myself to when and as I see/realize I am not breathing -- to within the understanding of – that when I am thinking I am not breathing but in fact only participating within my internal reality as thoughts/feelings/emotions which is me in the process of creating my own fears/anxiety/stress and thus I can within the knowing apply my knowledge practically through stopping the creation of my fear/anxiety/stress by BREATHING, as I have proven to myself that when I breathe in awareness there is no time within me for feelings/emotions/thoughts as I am Focused on breathing and what is really here as the physical.

Day 131 – Living Commitment – Day 3 of 21

This is a continuation of Day 1 of 21 as there was two parts/sections in that blog, I am not continuing form this section, on the Character of “I am always a Bad person” as one of the main characters that I pin pointed within living the commitment of breathing everyday and how this character actually “robs” me of my breathe.

Quote: “This Character activates around people that I have placed in my mind as “authority” and as better than me – as people that always do better.

So when I am for instance working and doing my stuff and a person comes in that I have placed in my mind as authority and they say something I freeze inside myself and I literally stop breathing, I am in complete anticipation of getting yelled at or being told how bad I am or that I am doing something wrong, this character is so intense that I will literally do “Nothing wrong” for months and when someone comes to me and say something that I have judged as authority in my mind – I will within myself stop and beam all of me into the mind – like taking on battle positions. ‘ End Quote.

Self Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the “I am always bad” character when and as I am within the presence of someone I have identified within my mind as an Authority, realizing that because I have identified someone else outside of myself as Authority I will always see myself as less than and as Bad within their eyes as I give away my own Authority to Breath and decide who I am for myself in each breathe, realizing that this is a self judgment I have of myself related to past experiences in relation to “authority”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from others within my mind as Authority, instead of seeing and realizing that those that I place as Authority in my mind is about older people that do have more everything than me and that I can learn from, and I realize this isn’t a point of fear of placing someone as more than me making myself less than, this is simply a point of practicality as the person has authority within what I can learn from them till I stand one and equal as them as that Authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative experience to the word Authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect Fear/emotion to the word Authority and thus every time someone enters my area/space that I have judges as Authority I go into the connections I have made of I must now be in fear, I must now be in a negative experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in the presence of someone that I have judges/identified as Authority within my world to belief that I must now be in fear – realizing that I must simply BREATH and not accept and allow the emotions/feeling or the thoughts to influence me but to breathe through it as me and to release myself from it one and equal as I am the creator of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that I must now be within a negative experience of myself when and as someone is within my space that I have judged/identified as Authority within the belief that they have power over me as the negative connection – realizing that I am the only one giving away my authority within such a belief, and that the person is but a support in my world from whom I can learn and this does not make me more or less or a bad person or a good person.

Memory of Authority experience – aged between 3-7

I am playing in the living room – I am doing something – one of my parents ask me to stop, I do not want to - I do not understand why I am just told , don’t, get away, shut up, leave me alone, I am just told to stop. then the parent threatens me with saying – if you do not stop and my partner come home you will have to deal with my partner, I get threatened with words of what might happen. I suddenly stop in the Fear of knowing what that means as a memory activates in that moment of a past experience/event.

the memory is of me not stopping and getting yelled at – when the other parent gets home he/she is told about the event and the words I hear from listening in on the conversation in secret is – he is such a bad kid, he does not listen, he gets on my nerves, he does not stop – I listen on in fear/anxiety within what is said further – He must be punished and he must learn his lesson, you must smack him – the parent comes to me calling my name, I am frightened and Know it is going to happen, I am going to get smacked, as my name is called I start saying – I don’t want to, I start crying and manipulating in my actions to get out of it, the parent does not give in and uses the following words to get me to co-operate – you know I am doing this because I love you, your mother/father said you must stop and you did not, so now I must teach you a lesson, go to the bathroom and close the door and wait for me – I sit in the bathroom awaiting the punishment, the parent went to fetch a Belt to smack me with – I am in fear/anxiety the whole time, the door opens and I am told to turn around – a I turn around I start feeling the leather belt hitting my bum, I get six shots as it is called six of the best. It is done, I am crying and I feel broken, I hate the parent that was the cause of it, not the parent that hit me as I knew - that parent did not want to do it, he/she was told to, just like me.

I am confused with what love means – is love when you hurt someone and beat them up to show them you care? Is love to react and get angry and to then beat the shit out of something till they obey and conform to your ways. Is love when you Harm life because you have some mental issues and need everything else to fit according to your mental problem and doing this is through harming things/others physically, so to love myself I must constantly beat myself up in self hatred and through punishing myself as being bad..

End of Memory.

So I learned that Authority has the power to punish you without even explaining in detail what was happening, what is happening and why and why was it asked of me to stop and to sit still, or to not scream, or to not touch a certain thing in the house, this gets taught to me only when I am older and all the damage was already done through the parents reactions/emotions/feelings instead of breathing and directing situations in common sense in real physical support as to what is here in this physical reality, it is not like a baby is born with the knowledge of what everything is. This should be a basic common sense point.

To be continued on Self Forgiveness.

Day 36 - The hesitation invasion

Today I was working with the wood cutting table/machine, it has a sharp round blade that spins extremely fast, then it has a small flat surface around where you lay the wood on, you have to then take the wood you want to cut and push it through and the blade cuts it.

As I was working with the table, which I have used many times before, so I was confident, I started looking at my actions while I was using the table, I saw that every time I am done cutting a piece of wood I swing my arm over and near the blade to chuck the wood on the other side, I then suddenly realized I can cut my finger/hand/arm off anytime I am not aware of what I am doing or if I simply just the one time do not lift my arm high enough over the table.

So  I saw the point of that my hand/arm can get cut through the way I was working as a practical observation and instead of simply correcting myself I went into thoughts and I had fear. The fear wasn't there when I made the observation, it only came once the mind as thoughts kicked in. (allowing it)

As I continued cutting I now had fear within me and thoughts, the thoughts was based on projections of what could happen, how can it happen, and through having these thoughts I started getting uncomfortable with my body and how I am positioned, how I am using it and so the compromising started.

As I was compromised within the fear I started hesitating in ever cut I made in the wood, what happened next was the wood started getting stuck in the machine and kicking back at me and shooting pieces of wood at my face.

This I where I stood still and  realized I have now created something happening, such as me hurting myself.

I stopped and I breathed and this is when the word came to me "hesitation" as I realized the word I started looking at myself and where I hesitate, as the hesitation was allowing and accepting the fear and  everything else that came with it.

I was successful in stopping the hesitation and the fear through breathing and applying myself in the moments as I was doing it in my actions, this was great, I started working in consideration of myself and my actions and so released my actions of the fear and hesitation, I became better in cutting the wood than I ever was, I was cutting wood twice as fast and as I wanted it, because I have practically changed the point within me and without, thus as I was able to stop the fear I was able to stop the hesitation and so I was able to see practically what to do and apply.

I finished all the firewood cuttings before work time was done and I bagged it all and carried it to the house. As before I would have probably taken another hour more.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into thoughts when and as I observe a practical point of consideration, instead of breathing and simply correcting myself, realizing that through going into thoughts and thinking about the point and imagining what could happen and how that I am creating fear.

I forgive myself that have not realized that when I go into thoughts and thinking and imagining things I am actually creating the fear within myself, realizing that it is not necessary as I can simply through the physical observation see what I practically have to apply and change with out using the mind or any fear to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require to make myself fearful of something through participating in the mind as thoughts/thinking and imagination to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear within myself through participating in the mind as thoughts/thinking and imagining about events/scenarios that can play out with in the event of observing a specific point that holds potential abuse/danger/destruction to myself or others, instead of realizing that imagining or thinking or going into thoughts isn't necessary as I have already physically observed it with in common sense and thus through that understanding I can change and re direct what I am doing to be save and in consideration of myself and what I am doing in awareness.

Hesitation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I participate with in thought/thinking and the imagination of future events/scenarios that can play out and I accept and allow fear to be created within in my participation that I am in fact creating hesitation with in me and as my actions within the fear of the thoughts or imagined events playing out, realizing that through the hesitation I become clumsy and do not stay focused as I am possessed by fear/thoughts/thinking/imagination and so I give permission for the events to happen take place and manifest as real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe and remain here in and as the physical with in awareness when I observe a certain play out or event or scenario that could happen through my UN-aware actions and to simply stop and change to that which is practical with in common sense and best for all life as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate in my actions through what I have created with in and as participating in my mind as thoughts/thinking/imagination and thus fear, realizing that I gave away my trust to the mind as saying that the mind is real and right and that it will probably happen and so hesitate in my actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to be able to stop and change in a single moment and that I require to create scenarios/events within myself to create fear and to only change once I have fear, realizing that through creating the fear my actions are poisoned an thus it will infect what I do and open up opportunities for the fear to manifest as I hesitate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand one and equal as the minds creator to give myself the authority to stop the mind as the creator in oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and separate myself from the mid, realizing that I am the creator and thus I must take self responsibility one and equal as the creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything that happens in the mind is happening to me, realizing that I as the creator is accepting and allowing it to be so, as it is my mind in my head who I am.

I commit myself to when I see I go into the mind as thoughts/thinking and imagining future events/scenarios to stop and breathe and realize that it isn't necessary as I can simply look at the physical and consider all points as myself and to accordingly with in common sense change and apply what is practical and best for all life.

I commit myself to stop when I see I am giving my trust away to fear and to bring myself back here through breathing and seeing that it is not a point of fear but a fact, and so apply myself in practical ways within and as the physical to what works practically as that which is best for all life as myself.

I commit myself to prove to myself that all fear as the ego as mind consciousness system is in fact not what is best for all life, through exposing how the mind imposes itself onto the physical and thus manifest the fears and internal realities that inst real as the physical functions and thus how we create the world and why we are in fact destroying earth and life.