Day 301 - Not Good enough Self Commitments

Continuing from Day 300 Not good enough character Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing as myself in the presence of authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'feel ‘that I must impress people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be accepted by others as an idea of who I am, instead of trusting myself as who I am in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am defined by others and thus must seek approval and thus take on the role of impressing myself onto everyone, seeing and realizing that within my actions I will be seen and thus it isn’t necessary to create an idea of myself to sell to others.

Ok I see this is simple points, now it is time for commitments.

I commit myself to when and as I am at work to breathe and to do my job and to enjoy myself, and to when and as any movement of energy comes up where I feel that I have to make an impression to stop and to breathe and to see that doing my job as best as I can practically within common sense in itself is already showing I am 'good ‘for the job.

I commit myself to when and as I am moving myself within and as breathe and the boss approaches me to keep on doing my work within moving myself practically and to not go into any resonant reactions of Ideas/Beliefs of myself or the boss and to be directed within that, as to remain stable and effective as myself as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I feel that I am stupid and thus must Prove myself to the boss, to stop and to breathe and to be here practically moving and directing myself as the physical to give no attention or energy to the thought and to stop the thought and to not move myself in reaction as the thought using the physical as my guidelines to move.

I commit myself to when and as I am approached by the boss or manager on the floor at work and I have a experience of feeling that I have to not perform suddenly and submit, to stop and to breathe and to realize I do not need to take on such characters to do what may or may not come, but that what is needed of me is to breathe and to simply move myself.

I commit myself to when and as I feel less then the person with whom I am in presence with to stop the experience the “feeling/emotion” through relaxing myself and my body through breathing in and our slowly and consistently and to make my breathing my focus and not the experience as to equalize myself within and as the physical here to remain here and to keep my integrity and not to sell myself short and compromise myself.

I commit myself to when and as I feel the NEED to be someone else in the presence of others around me to STOP within the understanding that this is compromising me and taking all my energy to be able to move effectively all day, and that all that remain when I stop the energy the need to be someone else is me here as the physical expressing myself in each breathe one and equal with integrity and self honor and respect.

I commit myself to when and as I feel that I need to change Who I am around certain people as to obtain certain traits that I belief others accept and will thus accept me, to stop and to breathe and to once again remain here as my breathe focused on what is real, and to within this stand one and equal with all that is here where there is no separation of me or another as fear but me as the other instead.

I commit myself to when and as I go to work to start the day off with breathing and to stop all thoughts projections I have already created or expectations or concerns and to let it go, within the realization that it is all useless as I am always anyway un prepared for the un expected and thus I may as well take it unexpectedly, but with a slight difference, with no stress or energy moving me or directing me but me breathing and within breathing have self trust and confidence within myself to be able and to do what’s needed in the moment present in the present no matter whit who or what status the person is seen or standing as within the system.

Day 300 - Not good enough character.

After a few weeks now at my new job I have come to see allot of myself, who I have accepted and allowed myself to be. It is quite revealing to see the characters come out to play, and they come out without even me being able to stop them, it is 'natural ‘to who I am so to say, but it is obviously not natural.



I am at work I am having fun, I have confidence and I trust myself, I am moving and directing myself, I am doing my job good, not yet perfect, I am still training, I am direct with the people around me and I am standing equal to them.



Then the manager comes, suddenly I turn into the Goofy guy, I lose focus and I keep on smiling and 'pretend ‘A lot more to be 'happy'- like this will impress the boss/manager.



For the manager I will do anything he asks of me, without question, like I MUST do it to keep him happy, I must be obedient at all costs, and look so willing, I have talked about this point before and written about it, but the point that I see here is that it isn’t specific to one person, it is to all the people in the world that I have given this power to over me, and It is irritating.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give authority to certain people in my life to define me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give the power to certain other people in my world to define me as I know that if I give them that power then they will accept me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to those who accept me.





I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek acceptance from authority.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to specifically built my characters according to that which I have observed that the authority accepts and allows just so that I can be accepted and thus be in the good books.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up my integrity to bend and fold myself according to what the authorities want to be happy with me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in the presence of authority to go into fear of not being liked and thus being in danger of losing my job.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see authority to fear not being accepted and to thus go into compromise to for a moment PLAY a role that is submissive and obedient in all ways.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show myself as weak in the presence of authority so that the authority can feel like the authority and thus be happy.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself in the presence of authority and that being myself will not be accepted.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing my strong stable side and independence to authority in the fear that the authority might find it intense.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving off an intense presence of who I am.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might lose my job if I am not happy around the authority and that the authority might find me useless if I am not



I can’t seem to find that one point, the point I am missing, the character has become me to such an extent.



It is a point of not being good enough. That I can see, maybe I am looking for to much and thus confusing myself. I will stick to this one point for now.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being good enough.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I am in the presence of authority that the Idea/belief I have of myself as not being good enough intensifies as I see authority as people that is experts and can see anything of me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Make my fears and insecurities about the authorities and thus give the power to change myself away to authorities.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am not good enough.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I can never be good enough.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am incapable of ever being good at anything and thus fear the authority as being able to see this and then within this give into the fear and submit like a puppy to authority.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into being submissive when and as I see I lack confidence as a way to protect myself from being seen as having no confidence as the character of submissiveness will do anything that is pleasing and as long as I am pleasing everyone is happy and thus will not see my low self confidence which is a weakness.





I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having not self confidence when and as I am in the eyes of authority.



To be continued, more investigation will come into this point.