Day 56 – Life is all about sex part 4 – I met Barbie at six

Day 56 – Life is all about sex part 4 – I met Barbie at six

This is a continuation of Day 55 – life is all about sex part 3

Ok so I will today look at a memory of when I was young as memories is what we have experiences from, this is where we make connections within the mind as energy as feeling/emotions/thoughts, so looking at memories will help me allocate the memory and to see the connections I made/experienced and thus it plays out in my life as what I do etc in search of memories/experiences , this memory is from when I was six years old, I was still in kinder garden and we had play times inside and outside and sleeping times and eating times and we had some working times.

I mostly remember the play times, especially when the toy box was brought to the floor and all the toys was chucked out onto the floor.

I remember one day I did not get a toy that I liked, like the dinosaur or the action figures or the building blocks, other kids got it before me, but then there it was, a doll, the only toy left, it was a Barbie doll, she was made from a rubbery substance and she had nice blond hair, she also had blue eyes, BUT she did not have any cloths on.

This is why the girls did not take her, she was naked and did not have any cloths to put on, they took all the ones with the accessories. 

I remember how I took this Barbie doll and I sat on the floor with the doll and played with it by myself. 

The interaction I had with this Barbie doll was quite interesting, I enjoyed it, not playing pretending with it, but just having it.

I knew it was a female, the opposite of what I am as a male, I saw all the girls loving to play with it and dress it, and here I was with a naked Barbie doll, with boobs and ass and hair and legs all open for me to see, I remember it said made in china on her ass. 

So since that day I just started taking this doll every time from the toys and kept her with me, I connected a emotional relationship with her, she was pretty she was perfect looking, she did not have things like the other girls in my class, she had extra such as boobs and being naked, the emotional point was that I had to leave her every day at the school, and that I could only see her in play time for an hour every day. 

I guess I enjoyed having what the girls had to play with as a point of power, a point of look at me, I have this doll, I remember I had to keep her secret from the rest, or they might take her, they will want her, and they might even tease me for playing with a doll for an hour every day.

I can see how I have created within my mind how I like girls through this doll as a picture and something I can have for myself and I created emotions, thoughts, desires to be with the doll.

Imagine how this play out later in my life!! As this was my programming stage. 

The doll one day disappeared, I have no idea till today what happened to the Barbie doll. She was gone, I was sad, I felt betrayed and wanted to ask around who took her away, but she was a secret so asking would have given the secret up. 

Ok so this is the memory I see where I had created emotional connections to a picture as Barbie and how I have attached it to what I want/desire in females, I got attracted to the boobs the ass, the nakedness through the touching of this female doll – and it all happened in my secret mind, no one else could know it was happening or what was happening, it was all mine – this is how you know it is a problem, as soon as it happens in the secret mind as thoughts, back chat, imagination etc – it will have consequences and hidden parts of self. if you forget and leave it within you.

 I was six, I forgot about it and continued my life, only when I started participating in relationships did this secret back chat etc start coming up again, making decisions for me and how I make them and why I make them, not knowing where they come from etc, it must be who I am, my nature, but I clearly created it myself at the age of six. 

So I apply self forgiveness on the points as they are still here as who I am on the connections I made with the Barbie doll.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire picture women over a real woman due to the picture being better presented as the real thing in the flesh.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a decision within myself that I would rather prefer to be in a relationship with a picture women presentation then a real woman just because of the physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made a decision within myself at the age of six to rather have relationships in my mind with pictures as it can always be perfect over the physical as life as that which I am and to within that give away all my power in relationships to the mind as pictures and so my relationships ended falling apart as they could never match the picture relationships I had in my mind as being perfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a decision within me based on self interest as preferring perfect mind created relationships within my mind over actual real relationships within and as the physical where it is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire mind picture created relationships over actual real physical relationships just so that I do not have to face myself within the physical as who I am, as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as a mind in secret and limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge real life women as being inferior to the women I have in my mind, realizing that within this judgment I will never have a relationship that is good enough for me as I know all relationships within my mind that I created with the perfect girls is based on a fantasy that isn’t meant to be real and so I have already created failed relationships out of all possible relationships in my world and only creating my own torment and depressions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the connection with the Barbie doll that perfect females are blond, skinny, blue eyes with nice boobs and perfect legs and perfect ass and that they were made specially somewhere the way they are and therefore they are a limited edition and I have to spend my whole life finding a girl like this to be able to be satisfied, realizing that with making a simple connection like this with a doll already sabotaged and compromised all my relationships and possible relationships in my world as failures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a fantasy girl with the perfect body and posture and picture presentation as my girlfriend and that she can only be mind, realizing that such a desire is impossible to fulfill within the actual real physical world as how the physical look, function and is, realizing it will never happen and cant and thus I set myself up for failure in all relationships and to live a depressed life, instead of stopping the desire and letting go of the mind as limitation and to learn to know myself in and as the physical and to re-create myself as  life and to have effective relationships where I am already satisfied with myself and therefore do not need it from outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place all real women within the physical world in actual life as less than and inferior to the pictures I have in my mind of girls and to from this always feel like I am settling for less or not what I wanted, realizing that if I stop the mind and the fantasies that what is here within the physical is something completely different and that I can actual create AGREED relationships that is based on the physical and how the physical work and that will always be fulfilling as the mind is a endless energy monster and can never be fulfilled, even if you got your fantasy girl the mind will want something more, it’s a mind fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to praise the mind and the mind relationships as being more than the physical relationships, realizing that it has proven to my many times that mind relationships only end up mind fucking me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search my whole life for the perfect girls that I hold within my mind as a picture presentation, realizing that I am missing all actual real possible relationships/sex partners in my current world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself with my own mind within my own self created fantasy picture girls that I desire and want to have sex with, as I know it will never happen yet I hope, I wish and I search and chase till death, realizing that I can simply make a decision to be here in and as the physical and create a agreed relationship for myself that would always be fulfilling as it is  based on the minds limitations of desires/pictures/fantasies and that only compromise and sabotage self.

To be continued.

Day 54 – Life is all about sex part 2

This is a continuation of Day 53 – Life is all about sex part 1

Ok so here I am going to go into my past, back in time to see where it all started, how did life become all about sex, how did it happen that there is this curtain hanging in-front of my eyes the whole time that has sex on it, like its all I see everywhere. 

Should I go back to the first time I discovered masturbation or did it start even further, I mean the brainwashing, the mind control through pictures and through TV and through the simple behaviors of people within my environment, or do I have to first look at the big picture, because i notice it is quite difficult to see the real first time it started.

I am going to look at the bigger picture first, when I look at it I was born into this world with everything that is here was already here, sex addicts already lived around me, people that watched and masturbated to porn already lived around me, I as a child already interacted with them , I hear them talk, I heard their jokes, I observed their behaviors, I noticed their magazines, I saw what they watched on TV and made comments on – all of this was obviously the first imprints already at the start of my life.

Now here is the interesting point I notice – girls and boys at a young age are thought this is a boy and this is a girl, we are always dressed differently and we always have different colors for each gender, males usually wore blue and girls had red or pink, how weird, boys always wore pants and shirts an girls had other different types of cloths.

Within the dress code as children the parents (adults) were already giving the children signals that there is something different, this obviously creates curiosity/indifference, I am talking about age's below five, this is where I can see the point came in when a boy and girls at a young age will be somewhere and then they will say, show me yours and I will show you mine, lets see what the adults are hiding and dressing us up differently for.

The next point I see is mommy and daddy kissing, hugging, holding each other and how they are towards each-other, this gives a clear indication of how “male” and “female” must be towards each other – I remember when I was six years old me and a buddy of mine went behind the doll house with a girl that was a year older than us and we kissed the girl, you know, doing what the parents do – it creates a curiosity.

All the above points I mention is but small point I see that gives the foundation already of male must be attracted to female and female must be attracted to male – already creating this connection within the child as it must be a “attraction”instead of what is practical through their behavior and words towards each other - and making it a prominent point in what comes ahead in “Life is all about SEX”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that Males “must be “attracted” to females for them to be together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “like” females instead of living what is best for all life within common sense and practicality and what works, limiting myself to only what I like through what I have observed and imprinted within me from childhood from observing adults and parents as my first impressions in life and what life is all about. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed through the behaviors of adults and parents through taking what they are living as what the meaning of life must be, giving my own self honesty up and away to trust and ignorance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow everything parents acted out and said and do as the truth and how things must be.

I forgive myself that I have connected the word you look stunning that my father used when he hugged my mother and thus connected the word stunning to the image and likeness of what my mother is, thus believing that my mother was and is the image and likeness of what the word stunning means, thus seeing and realizing that as I grow up I will look for stunning girls that only looks like my mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word beautiful to how a mother looks every-time a dad came into the house and kissed his wife and said you look beautiful, realizing that now as I have accepted beautiful as my mother being the living definition I will seek out girls that look like the mother’s image and likeness and only be willing to kiss and hug such girls as they will be beautiful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word sexy to how a mother looks every time the dad told the mother you look sexy, realizing that as this is my first impression of the word sexy , I related it to how the mother looks like, and thus giving sexy the image of the mother as the father/male that is the same as me have given the mother, believing that I as a male as the same as the father must now also call what the mother looks like as her image and likeness as being sexy.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I was a young kid from birth till seven years old everything happening in my life between that age is what my foundation will be for LIFE, realizing that as my life has only been consumed by sex it is a indicator what the most prominent building blogs were in my first seven years as the relationships that interacted within my environment and how I learned and made the connections as all life at that age and time was in fact teaching and programming me through their actions/words/interactions and how I accepted and allowed things.  

I forgive myself that I have not realized that all my base programming comes from childhood, what I like, how I like it, why I like it, how I made the connections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my childhood for granted just because I can not remember much as not being the cause, realizing that it is quit obvious that everything started there in the family within my environment and the relationships that was formed there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that all my sexual desires/wants/needs was already programmed within me within my first seven years of my life and that it activated later in my life as I have made it my own and started living it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that what I like about females and why and what I am attracted to within females comes from my one and only example I had as a relationship within my first years as my parents – Mother and father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to belief that I have created all my sexual desires from my parents relationship and how they were as the example in word and deed. 

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that the words and deeds that came from my parents originated within/from their minds, thus it is their mind consciousness systems I am being programmed with as the mind consciousness system enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am a programmed robot and that all fantasies/desires/wants/needs for sex comes from my parent s and that it is not my own but their that I have accepted and allowed to be mine. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the boobs/ass/legs/body I like within females came from my mom and dads relationship as I learned from them in their behavior and interactions what is likes and what is not.

Also consider – if you did not have parents the influence would be from obviously the people that was there in your first seven years and so on. 

To be continued..

Day 52 – There must be something more out there.

Day 52 – There must be something more out there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for something more out there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge what is here as being insignificant, realizing that I am only judging myself and who I am as not being enough, thus searching for it out there in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being significant and thus all that is here as LIFE as not being enough and so create the desire/want/need for something more OUT there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is here in the search for something out there.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that what is out there or what is here is the same as I will always remain with myself, thus realizing it does not matter what is out there as being more as I will still remain with me within my own self judgments that caused the desire to seek something out there to make me more, to make me feel more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that LIFE HERE can not be all that life is, realizing that I have separated myself from LIFE as all LIFE HERE and so I am not even aware of all that is here through seeking for something more out there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed by T.V and media to belief that there is something more than just my life and that I ma insignificant if I do not find that something more, creating a life or rushing and of seeking the whole time, Missing Life here as who I am in oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that only within the mind where we create alternate dream worlds can we create what is here as not being enough, as we seek this better life, this life that is more constantly till death, only to realize we never lived and only seek.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the false images that the TV and Media portray as “THE LIFE” that we must all try and achieve to live, realizing that this is part of the game to keep people enslaved to their minds in search for something more than what life is here as who we ARE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as long as we are all enslaved within a capitalism system where some must have nothing for others to have everything to achieve a different life that we create in our minds as dreams and fantasies is only a lie until we change the system to a money system that is best for all life where all life can achieve a better life at the same time such as the equal money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to live a glamorous life just to hide who I am and not having to face who I am as LIFE as all LIFE as I know money is the key to life and thus realizing that giving money to all equally is the only way for a real life where all life has a dignified life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that there is a better life for everyone within a capitalism system, realizing capitalism is based on self interest and it is not within everyone self interest that all life has equal living as it will take away what those has that has more than half the worlds fair share in resources and money.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that as long as I search for a better life out there while being in a capitalism system I have been brainwashed through TV and the media to remain enslaved in hopes and dreams to a money system that only ever helps the few already in power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that if some could have made a better life for themselves out there then so can i, not realizing that this is part of the enslavement game that the elite plays to give false hope and fantasies to people in poverty or a not so good life to always stay where they are hoping, dreaming and just working their asses off to make more money for the elite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blind to the truth of Capitalism within false  images within my mind as brainwashing through TV and the media that is constantly portrayed into our brains to keep us enslaved to a system that is designed for only a few to feast of the many.

I commit myself to show an reveal that any and all dreams and hopes of a better life within capitalism is part of the enslavement to keep people doing what they are doing and to work harder and harder and make money for the elite,

I commit myself to show that everyone is working their asses off daily within a system that promises a better life, yet no one sees that it is impossible for everyone to have a better life within capitalism and that this is part of the enslavement to keep people working to make money for the few that already have billions.

I commit myself to show and reveal that TV and the media is part of the brainwashing where they portray perfect pictures in the movies and TV series to show people what they can have the whole time, while the rich clearly knows it is impossible for all to have what they have and thus they do it deliberately to keep people enslaved to their games. 

I commit myself to show that only within an equal money system can all have a great amazing life as all the resources will be equally distributed between all people and that only through stopping Capitalism can we all achieve the dream we all have, a better life where we can live life instead of fighting and struggling and working out asses of for it, and to show that such a system is possible this life if we stand together and end the brainwashing and mind control within yourself.

Day 14 - I broke a girls heart , past relationship.

 This was a few years ago, there is still guilt, shame and fear, as I now see what I have accepted and allowed from the start of the relationship and what led to the end, where both partners get hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the guilt of breaking a relationship partners hart, after I have made her promises and told her I love her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make promises with in a relationship that is based on irrational thoughts and from the mind as energy, instead of realizing that promises are not needed but living it in the physical is and to stand with in a agreed relationship that is based on communication, openly sharing, removing all irrational thought, removing secret mind, self forgiveness, and to eradicate all back doors, and thus no promises needed, only living application with in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell a girl that I love her when the words I speak is only words based on a irrational energetic experience that is not in consideration of the physical and daily living to be practically lived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word love to manipulate a girl so that I may feel secure with her and that she is under my control, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word love in the fear of being lonely, and so I say to a girl that I love her so that she may stay with me and never leave me, and to with in this end up being the one to break the girls hart because I had a change of hart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the relationship partner with the word love to manipulate a girl into loving me and not wanting to leave me because I fear being alone and that only with her can I be happy, and to be the one to break up with her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing a relationship partner and with in this fear, end up being the one to leave the partner as I have rushed myself to the end goal of loosing her just so that I may feel save and that I wasn't the one being abandoned and hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break up with a relationship partner just so that I do not have to be the one that gets to be abandoned.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that before I go into a relationship that I can direct the point through first having a discussion with the partner I am considering and to see with in communicating if the relationship can work practically,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt a relationship partner through being the first one to break up just to that I do not have to be the one to be hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt myself with in pushing myself to break up with a relationship partner because I feared loosing the relationship partner from the beginning, instead of sharing/communicating with the partner and removing the points of fear through discussing the point and applying self forgiveness to create a agreed relationship that is of enjoyment instead of fear of loosing each other and compromise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set up failing relationships through jumping into them based on energetic experiences I have created with in myself through participating in certain justifications with in my mind as thoughts that are irrational most of the time and to then with in the believe that it may come true go into the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that with in my fear of being hurt and being abandoned that I have created the points directly to manifest with in my relationship through deliberately looking for points with in the relationship that I can use as points to use to justify why i break up the relationship and to break the relationship partners hart first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to built a relationship on fear of loosing the relationship partner, instead of communicating about all points to remove all irrational thought and secret mind and to have effective communication and to be clear on all words being lived with in the relationship, so that a relationship can be directed to a agreement where both partners can enjoy each other in a agreed relationship where there is no fear or being hurt or of any break up, but a commitment to walk together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush into a relationship because of all the energy I have created with in me through all the participation of thoughts and fantasies with in my mind that is not with in the consideration of the physical and how daily live is lived, and so thus I have already from the start created and manifested a break up where one or both partners end up getting hurt or abuse because nothing practical or real was considered or discusses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly go into a relationship and believing that no one will get hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a relationship blindly based on energetic experiences that  I have created through thoughts and irrational thinking and calling it love, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and hope than when I blindly go into a relationship that no one will get hurt, Realizing that with in blindly going into a relationship that was not agreed upon on certain principals such as clearing communication, stopping all irrational thought and secret mind  and to redefine the living words with in the agreement that both is clear on what the agreement relationship will be lived as and to be open about the past to have no past interfering in the present and that a relationship can work unless it is agreed upon and that is was set up to fail from the beginning.

 Relationships and Agreements -  

I commit myself to communicate with a relationship partner all points that is necessary to have a agreed relationship and not a relationship that is based on hope and believe, and thus have a agreed relationship that will work instead of maybe working.

I commit myself to communicate with a relationship partner about all the words with in  a agreed relationship to stand clear on the words we are living as the relationship to not have any miss communications.

I commit myself to share with a agreed relationship partner all points of the past and to remove the past from the present so that both can live here in support and to not have any surprises and to move on in self forgiveness and anew.

I commit myself to not keep any secrets from a agreed relationship partner and to be open about all points such as sexuality, money and the relationship itself and to always work through the points and support and assist each other to not have any back doors that can be used to escape from the agreed relationship.

Here is the blog that inspired mine - Do you love breakups"s

 Here is another Blog for great support on relationships - Failed Relationship.