Day 359 – reading then writing Part 4.

Day 358 – Breathe and write each word Part3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative dreadful experience towards writing when and as I have to write, seeing and realizing that this negative experience was created by me though what I accepted and allowed within that moment as a child when I had to read and the could not and how the teacher reacted/behaved towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define reading as bad and stupid because of how I have defined myself within that moment that I could not read and thus blamed the reading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the words/reading for how I experienced myself and still do experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unable to be able to ever read effectively and to thus write effectively in that moment when and as I could not read and that I cried and felt powerless within the situation and thus gave the situation power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as bad for not being able to read.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by the teacher and her words and behavior towards me for not being able to read and to take it all in as real and that it must be something wrong with me, and to within that make a decision about myself in relation to reading and that I simply can’t read, I simply will never be able to read or write properly and thus I should only do what I can to always make it by, do the minimum reading and the minimum writing that is required to just make it, as that will prevent any situation where I might seem or feel stupid and unable to read again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself within ever developing the ability to read and write effectively as the age of six due to one experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say FUCK reading and FUCK writing as back chat in that moment that I felt powerless and to give up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I said FUCK myself to myself actually in that moment as an attempt to be spiteful towards writing and reading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that n that moment when I decided I can’t read and that reading is fucked up, that I actually compromised my entire life ahead of me, and that I gave up on self-perfection and that this flowed into my entire life within many thing and all things I did and do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards the teacher and myself through saying fuck reading and writing as a way to rebel, when and as the real reason was what I was experiencing within myself and that I could not say what it was and why I was experiencing it and thus instead attempted to hide it and suppress it and create a personality to protect myself from that experience as the FUCK reading/writing it is for losers personality.

To be continued.