Day 56 – Life is all about sex part 4 – I met Barbie at six

Day 56 – Life is all about sex part 4 – I met Barbie at six

This is a continuation of Day 55 – life is all about sex part 3

Ok so I will today look at a memory of when I was young as memories is what we have experiences from, this is where we make connections within the mind as energy as feeling/emotions/thoughts, so looking at memories will help me allocate the memory and to see the connections I made/experienced and thus it plays out in my life as what I do etc in search of memories/experiences , this memory is from when I was six years old, I was still in kinder garden and we had play times inside and outside and sleeping times and eating times and we had some working times.

I mostly remember the play times, especially when the toy box was brought to the floor and all the toys was chucked out onto the floor.

I remember one day I did not get a toy that I liked, like the dinosaur or the action figures or the building blocks, other kids got it before me, but then there it was, a doll, the only toy left, it was a Barbie doll, she was made from a rubbery substance and she had nice blond hair, she also had blue eyes, BUT she did not have any cloths on.

This is why the girls did not take her, she was naked and did not have any cloths to put on, they took all the ones with the accessories. 

I remember how I took this Barbie doll and I sat on the floor with the doll and played with it by myself. 

The interaction I had with this Barbie doll was quite interesting, I enjoyed it, not playing pretending with it, but just having it.

I knew it was a female, the opposite of what I am as a male, I saw all the girls loving to play with it and dress it, and here I was with a naked Barbie doll, with boobs and ass and hair and legs all open for me to see, I remember it said made in china on her ass. 

So since that day I just started taking this doll every time from the toys and kept her with me, I connected a emotional relationship with her, she was pretty she was perfect looking, she did not have things like the other girls in my class, she had extra such as boobs and being naked, the emotional point was that I had to leave her every day at the school, and that I could only see her in play time for an hour every day. 

I guess I enjoyed having what the girls had to play with as a point of power, a point of look at me, I have this doll, I remember I had to keep her secret from the rest, or they might take her, they will want her, and they might even tease me for playing with a doll for an hour every day.

I can see how I have created within my mind how I like girls through this doll as a picture and something I can have for myself and I created emotions, thoughts, desires to be with the doll.

Imagine how this play out later in my life!! As this was my programming stage. 

The doll one day disappeared, I have no idea till today what happened to the Barbie doll. She was gone, I was sad, I felt betrayed and wanted to ask around who took her away, but she was a secret so asking would have given the secret up. 

Ok so this is the memory I see where I had created emotional connections to a picture as Barbie and how I have attached it to what I want/desire in females, I got attracted to the boobs the ass, the nakedness through the touching of this female doll – and it all happened in my secret mind, no one else could know it was happening or what was happening, it was all mine – this is how you know it is a problem, as soon as it happens in the secret mind as thoughts, back chat, imagination etc – it will have consequences and hidden parts of self. if you forget and leave it within you.

 I was six, I forgot about it and continued my life, only when I started participating in relationships did this secret back chat etc start coming up again, making decisions for me and how I make them and why I make them, not knowing where they come from etc, it must be who I am, my nature, but I clearly created it myself at the age of six. 

So I apply self forgiveness on the points as they are still here as who I am on the connections I made with the Barbie doll.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire picture women over a real woman due to the picture being better presented as the real thing in the flesh.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a decision within myself that I would rather prefer to be in a relationship with a picture women presentation then a real woman just because of the physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made a decision within myself at the age of six to rather have relationships in my mind with pictures as it can always be perfect over the physical as life as that which I am and to within that give away all my power in relationships to the mind as pictures and so my relationships ended falling apart as they could never match the picture relationships I had in my mind as being perfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a decision within me based on self interest as preferring perfect mind created relationships within my mind over actual real relationships within and as the physical where it is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire mind picture created relationships over actual real physical relationships just so that I do not have to face myself within the physical as who I am, as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as a mind in secret and limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge real life women as being inferior to the women I have in my mind, realizing that within this judgment I will never have a relationship that is good enough for me as I know all relationships within my mind that I created with the perfect girls is based on a fantasy that isn’t meant to be real and so I have already created failed relationships out of all possible relationships in my world and only creating my own torment and depressions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the connection with the Barbie doll that perfect females are blond, skinny, blue eyes with nice boobs and perfect legs and perfect ass and that they were made specially somewhere the way they are and therefore they are a limited edition and I have to spend my whole life finding a girl like this to be able to be satisfied, realizing that with making a simple connection like this with a doll already sabotaged and compromised all my relationships and possible relationships in my world as failures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a fantasy girl with the perfect body and posture and picture presentation as my girlfriend and that she can only be mind, realizing that such a desire is impossible to fulfill within the actual real physical world as how the physical look, function and is, realizing it will never happen and cant and thus I set myself up for failure in all relationships and to live a depressed life, instead of stopping the desire and letting go of the mind as limitation and to learn to know myself in and as the physical and to re-create myself as  life and to have effective relationships where I am already satisfied with myself and therefore do not need it from outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place all real women within the physical world in actual life as less than and inferior to the pictures I have in my mind of girls and to from this always feel like I am settling for less or not what I wanted, realizing that if I stop the mind and the fantasies that what is here within the physical is something completely different and that I can actual create AGREED relationships that is based on the physical and how the physical work and that will always be fulfilling as the mind is a endless energy monster and can never be fulfilled, even if you got your fantasy girl the mind will want something more, it’s a mind fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to praise the mind and the mind relationships as being more than the physical relationships, realizing that it has proven to my many times that mind relationships only end up mind fucking me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search my whole life for the perfect girls that I hold within my mind as a picture presentation, realizing that I am missing all actual real possible relationships/sex partners in my current world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself with my own mind within my own self created fantasy picture girls that I desire and want to have sex with, as I know it will never happen yet I hope, I wish and I search and chase till death, realizing that I can simply make a decision to be here in and as the physical and create a agreed relationship for myself that would always be fulfilling as it is  based on the minds limitations of desires/pictures/fantasies and that only compromise and sabotage self.

To be continued.

Day 55 - Life is all about sex part 3

Day 55 - Life is all about sex part 3

This is a continuation of Day 54 - life is all about sex part 2.

Ok so I left where I discussed and applied self forgiveness on my firs relationships I had as my parents and how I learned through them in their behavior/words and how this plays a role in how I have identified relationships and how it should be and how the other person should be and should not be and how the other person should look and not look.

It is quite obvious that a child learns all the time in their environment, so if you have these two beings as parents around you the whole time the first seven years of your life, you are obviously learning the most from them, mostly everything, the whole foundation, this is how I am going to go into the points of my sexual life, and how I as a male have made life's purpose all about sex all the time.

Here I will focus on the points of how I have identified relationships through my parents relationship as I grew up through simply looking at who I am currently within the point, because who I am now within relationships and who I was as a kid is still the same, I will look at both points of the coin, the polarities play outs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify relationships as two people that fit together in their personalities and within their physical appearances.

I forgive myself that I have connected two being in a relationship and how their bodies look like and how they physically behave together with their physical bodies as a indication to how a relationship must look like where two people must be attracted to each other physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect how tow people hug and act together with their physical bodies and how they touch each other to how physical bodies must look like within a relationship and that any other physical body with another that isnt the same can not work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect how the mother looks and how the father looks physically as to how a accepted couple must look like, and thus limiting myself to any other expressions within the physical as having a agreed relationship with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint the picture of the mother and father holding and kissing and hugging each other as the perfect couple picture and thus within aging I would seek this picture as my relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint parents and how they are NOT holding and touching and kissing apothecary and how they behave towards each other as not being a good relationship either because the father does not want to touch the mother for not fitting his desired women or the other way around and as aging comes I will seek for the opposite relationships in picture presentation and behavior/personalities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify how relationships must not be through how the parents acted towards each other in words and deeds and to within my life seek/desire/want/need the opposite and accordingly create my fantasies and desires for sex/relationships.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that how my parents acted towards each other and me as a baby and how I took it in accordingly as positive or negative as what the parents showed me in their living as the examples that I would at a older age seek the same or the opposite depending on the relationship i have created towards their behaviors and what I decided on within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that how the mother looks like/acts in personality/ or how she even smells will determine through my acceptance and allowance what I like/want/need/desire in women as I age either in polarity or the exact same dependent on the relationship I created towards it all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that how the father looks like/acts in personality or how he even smells will determine through my own acceptance and allowance how I as a male will be once I come of age within a relationship and towards women and what I want/need/desire either in polarity or the exact same dependent on the relationship I created towards it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify good relationships ad two beings that is physically attracted to each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify a relationship that I must have as where the female is attracted to me and me to her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify relationships as tow beings that must be able to get turned on by each other through how they physically look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have identified relationships that work as being two beings that are physically attracted to certain parts of each other such as the legs, the torso the face or any other parts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have identified relationships as two beings that can adore each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have identified relationships as two people who can only have fun with each other as touching and playing together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have identified relationships as where the male must be attracted to the female.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have identified relationships as where the female must be in love with the male and be physically attracted to each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have identified relationships as male/female and that they must be able to laugh together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify relationships as where the male must be attracted to the females body for it to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify relationships as where the female must be skinny and the male must be fit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have identified relationships as to where two being can only care for each other and no one else as that would be sinful to the other partner and they will be jealous and sad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify relationships as two beings that must be sexually attracted to each other all the time in each and every touch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have identified relationships as two being that must find each other sexy all the time or it wont work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make/connect sexy as being relevant to a relationship, realizing that it creates a mind relationship instead of a relationship that is based on what is best for all life in and as the physical that does not support limitation and control a the mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint what sexy is every time the father told the mother you are sexy and how the father held the mother and to see this picture as sexy and what a female looks like that is sexy and what a male looks like that gets sexy females.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have identified relationships according to pictures/words.

Ok so this is it for now, to be continued.

Stay tuned and be sure to follow the links to get more insight/support/assistance so we can realize yourself as life and end the mind picture enslavement based on limited energy that we function with instead of breathe by breath in and as the physical. 

next I will be going into actual memories of childhood.

Day 54 – Life is all about sex part 2

This is a continuation of Day 53 – Life is all about sex part 1

Ok so here I am going to go into my past, back in time to see where it all started, how did life become all about sex, how did it happen that there is this curtain hanging in-front of my eyes the whole time that has sex on it, like its all I see everywhere. 

Should I go back to the first time I discovered masturbation or did it start even further, I mean the brainwashing, the mind control through pictures and through TV and through the simple behaviors of people within my environment, or do I have to first look at the big picture, because i notice it is quite difficult to see the real first time it started.

I am going to look at the bigger picture first, when I look at it I was born into this world with everything that is here was already here, sex addicts already lived around me, people that watched and masturbated to porn already lived around me, I as a child already interacted with them , I hear them talk, I heard their jokes, I observed their behaviors, I noticed their magazines, I saw what they watched on TV and made comments on – all of this was obviously the first imprints already at the start of my life.

Now here is the interesting point I notice – girls and boys at a young age are thought this is a boy and this is a girl, we are always dressed differently and we always have different colors for each gender, males usually wore blue and girls had red or pink, how weird, boys always wore pants and shirts an girls had other different types of cloths.

Within the dress code as children the parents (adults) were already giving the children signals that there is something different, this obviously creates curiosity/indifference, I am talking about age's below five, this is where I can see the point came in when a boy and girls at a young age will be somewhere and then they will say, show me yours and I will show you mine, lets see what the adults are hiding and dressing us up differently for.

The next point I see is mommy and daddy kissing, hugging, holding each other and how they are towards each-other, this gives a clear indication of how “male” and “female” must be towards each other – I remember when I was six years old me and a buddy of mine went behind the doll house with a girl that was a year older than us and we kissed the girl, you know, doing what the parents do – it creates a curiosity.

All the above points I mention is but small point I see that gives the foundation already of male must be attracted to female and female must be attracted to male – already creating this connection within the child as it must be a “attraction”instead of what is practical through their behavior and words towards each other - and making it a prominent point in what comes ahead in “Life is all about SEX”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that Males “must be “attracted” to females for them to be together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “like” females instead of living what is best for all life within common sense and practicality and what works, limiting myself to only what I like through what I have observed and imprinted within me from childhood from observing adults and parents as my first impressions in life and what life is all about. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed through the behaviors of adults and parents through taking what they are living as what the meaning of life must be, giving my own self honesty up and away to trust and ignorance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow everything parents acted out and said and do as the truth and how things must be.

I forgive myself that I have connected the word you look stunning that my father used when he hugged my mother and thus connected the word stunning to the image and likeness of what my mother is, thus believing that my mother was and is the image and likeness of what the word stunning means, thus seeing and realizing that as I grow up I will look for stunning girls that only looks like my mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word beautiful to how a mother looks every-time a dad came into the house and kissed his wife and said you look beautiful, realizing that now as I have accepted beautiful as my mother being the living definition I will seek out girls that look like the mother’s image and likeness and only be willing to kiss and hug such girls as they will be beautiful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word sexy to how a mother looks every time the dad told the mother you look sexy, realizing that as this is my first impression of the word sexy , I related it to how the mother looks like, and thus giving sexy the image of the mother as the father/male that is the same as me have given the mother, believing that I as a male as the same as the father must now also call what the mother looks like as her image and likeness as being sexy.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I was a young kid from birth till seven years old everything happening in my life between that age is what my foundation will be for LIFE, realizing that as my life has only been consumed by sex it is a indicator what the most prominent building blogs were in my first seven years as the relationships that interacted within my environment and how I learned and made the connections as all life at that age and time was in fact teaching and programming me through their actions/words/interactions and how I accepted and allowed things.  

I forgive myself that I have not realized that all my base programming comes from childhood, what I like, how I like it, why I like it, how I made the connections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my childhood for granted just because I can not remember much as not being the cause, realizing that it is quit obvious that everything started there in the family within my environment and the relationships that was formed there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that all my sexual desires/wants/needs was already programmed within me within my first seven years of my life and that it activated later in my life as I have made it my own and started living it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that what I like about females and why and what I am attracted to within females comes from my one and only example I had as a relationship within my first years as my parents – Mother and father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to belief that I have created all my sexual desires from my parents relationship and how they were as the example in word and deed. 

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that the words and deeds that came from my parents originated within/from their minds, thus it is their mind consciousness systems I am being programmed with as the mind consciousness system enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am a programmed robot and that all fantasies/desires/wants/needs for sex comes from my parent s and that it is not my own but their that I have accepted and allowed to be mine. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the boobs/ass/legs/body I like within females came from my mom and dads relationship as I learned from them in their behavior and interactions what is likes and what is not.

Also consider – if you did not have parents the influence would be from obviously the people that was there in your first seven years and so on. 

To be continued..

Day 53 - Life is all about sex, Part 1

Everyone I knew including myself, we all only look for that lover = sex partner, we do this from young ages till we die, we start seeking sex everywhere, we only see sex, we see a coke bottle as a females body, we see boobs/ass/legs in everything, when we talk to girls we focus on their bodies most probably all the time. 

Till we die, is this the purpose that God has made for our existence – I mean people always told me god's plan for you only he knows, yet everything in my life was only to obtain sex, get sex, the way I walked, the way I talked, the things I did, the sports I loved, the type of cigarettes I smoked, it all was a personality I created a EGO that is like a trap, to get that one girl to love me and give me sex.

Every time I said I love you to a girl, there was this little hidden voice, desire behind those words, saying “i want to fuck you” I want to have sex with you, can I have sex with you now, I love you alright can we do it already. - what made gods plan so special if sex was the only thing running my life, I became christian to get sex - it worked, I do not belief in god though.

I can not completely speak for the girls here, but I guess they have it similar.

I know all guys are the same, I hang out with multiple, thousands of different guys in my life, we are all the same, SEX SEX SEX seriously. Males talk about sex in everything, I remember in grade 7 two friends of mine that was a little bit over weight could push their chests together and it looked like boobs, they would do this in-front of each other and actually end up “pretending having sex with each other, at school, with cloths on, but still, it shows you at what age kids have already made/decided sex is what life is all about. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that LIFE is all about chasing after sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that LIFE is all about getting sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief males and females are created only for the purpose of finding and making sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see females as sexual objects and that is their purpose here on earth to be used for sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed through a educational system that has no true integrity on LIFE and real values but to only teach us about the system and survival and where sex is left for each person to be something hidden that consumes our life's and become the one thing we crave as we were never properly openly educated about it, it was mostly kept secret and left in the hands of kids to do and make of it as they please, the perfect place to breed all kinds of weird shit, addictions possessions etc which is only an indicator that even the adults do not know shit and are the same, sins of the fathers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed by society and the TV,movies,media that sex is all a male wants and needs and have to get in his life to live LIFE, 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consume my life with only thinking about sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consume my mind with thoughts/back chat and pictures of sex everyday as if is all life is about and can be, blinding me from life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fill myself up with desired pictures that got brainwashed into me through pictures I watched such as porn and movies or magazines and to literally make the desire my life, my goal, my achievement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life decisions based on my sexual desires, realizing that if I make a life decision only because I belief taking that life route will bring me sex with a certain desire I have that only exist in my mind, it will most probably never happen and thus I compromised and sabotaged my whole life for a picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act and change my behavior in certain ways to attract a female that I desire for sex and to within that develop “another personality for myself for that particular desire, realizing that I am only creating multiple personalities for myself according to all different sexual desires I have, and in the end may end up with a disease caused through my own doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to literally mind fuck myself through creating all of me as who I am as a certain personality/personalities to get sex in my life, separating myself from all life and only to exist as a picture seeking another picture that will simply end at death as I had no relevance to life at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to CHANGE around certain women in the hope for sex – future relationship to gain sex, realizing the fact that I could change for that must tell me there is something really wrong, as I have secret thoughts,back chat, desires that lurk within me that no one knows about till it is activated when I am around the desired picture – exposing me as the demon I am as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and built my personality/ego according to porn and how I see sex id done in the picture screen that I am watching believing it is real, and when I encounter a real living women in the flesh I access this ego/personality to hope for the gain of sex, realizing that I am playing out like a robot and that if the moment of sex comes I will be less than the porn I watched, because the porn was all a show and I made it real in my mind and actually accordingly designed myself to a picture show just for sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only thing about sex when I am talking to females.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present myself as someone that does not want sex when talking to females while in my secret mind I think and compare and look and only have sex on my mind, realizing that this is one step away from what a rapist is/does/do and that it is all programmed into me through TV.movies/porn/magazines and the educational system in this world and thus it isnt real and its all only in the mind to enslave and imprison self to a limited reality so that self can not realize self as LIFE as all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only analyze females when I see them and to see if they match any of my mind created desires for what I want and if sex with the female is possible and if I would want to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only interact with females that I belief I have a chance of having sex with and ignore the rest.

OK so this was a into to what I am going to start writing about, I basically touched each point here in a self forgiveness statement, I am not going to make a series of blogs here on each point I touched, giving a little bit of info and then deconstructing the points with self forgiveness. 

So stay tuned and lets show how fucked we are as males as ego and that we can rebirth and change yourself, I start with myself. 

I also strongly suggest to follow the hyper links for far more support and assistance.

To be continued.