Day 385 - Start at the Start Part 1

Start at the start, at least then I am starting and doing something, I have find myself wanting to jump way ahead within doing things and then I find myself lost, unable to move or direct myself.

The Start within Desteni is always self-investigation using the tools that is given, writing and reading and self-forgiveness, common sense, breathing as the guideline and self-honesty.

Using these tools within investigating self, one can also investigate the world and how things work, it takes time, because self is a creation of the whole that is here, like a product, self is thus the whole, and what self-lives/experiences and everything in between is thus the whole because it is keeping the whole as it is. 

I am writing about this point because of an event that happened today within starting to make some vlogs, I was sitting outside with the tablet and I was making a vlog, but I kept on tripping and falling and getting up while doing the vlog within speaking and how the information was flowing, with anxiety forming and being created within the process.

This happened because I was about to talk about a point that I have realized as knowledge and information, I could see the point, but I did not investigate the point for myself within using the basic tools such as writing/self-forgiveness/common-sense/self-honesty and breathing effectively.

So the stumbling/tripping came from knowing the point/seeing the point but not having all the other points connected to it, which I would have discovered within my self-investigation. 

The self-investigation would take time, I was in a rush to just make a vlog about the point, and thus I jumped to the middle, instead of starting at the beginning and doing it as what is best for all which includes myself.

I see that I do this in fear of losing the point I have seen/realized as knowledge and information thus far only, not yet investigated as actuality for myself, and the resistance of doing the investigation, because I know that part takes some actual focus and dedication and more time. 

I have created a paranoia, where I am paranoid that if I do not do this as a vlog now I will miss it forever, and then the paranoia goes hand in hand with, me being paranoid about not having a vlog for today and thus it must only come up tomorrow or the day after and then I will be falling “behind” within the deadline I have given myself. 

There was a simple solution, I could not see this as I went into a total mind fuck about it and feeling all down and judge-mental, which I now see as I am investigating the point now, I could have simply made a video on the points I have already investigated and LIVED and have physical proof of as myself. Which would have been perfect.

Here is another cool point of not starting at the start, where I believe I must only make the vlogs on points that come up now, after five and a half years into my process already, so there is that much time behind me that I still have as evidence of many points I have walked and done that I can make a vlog about, but I jumped it all. 

Here is the secret reason for why all of this paranoia is going on, I have been in the Desteni process for five and a half years, I have walked and I have lived many corrections, I have faced extensive points within my life that I never saw as possible, and they are equally relevant now as back then, but my secret mind has created a secret idea about time, that if I share something from years ago and support and assistance now, I might come forth as not having moved at all within my process within all that time. 

I see and realize that as MY walking of the correction within this point, I must now do exactly that which I resist doing, I must walk the points I have lived within my writing and within vlogs. So that I can get rid of the ego as the mind as energy addiction, to remove all ideas/beliefs/opinions as limitation and support and assist myself, and in the same process others one and equal within all those points. 

I see that I have a specific anxiety that I experience because of the process I have walked thus far and have only kept to myself, it is a anxiety that makes me feel like running from myself, but it actually just me wanting to run from this point of facing myself within this one point, to stop my self-judgments/fears and get over it and fucking share what I have to share.

To be continued.

Making Vlogs Day 335

I have been making vlogs in my room for the last three days, I make them so that I can upload them, I find that through speaking in the vlogs and posting vlogs I built self-confidence, and I get feedback on it, which is a great way of self-support in this process of creating myself one and equal within all that is here.

The Philosophy that I had was, I have my phone next to me at all times, and when I have a point that comes up, I make a video immediately, so I have been doing that.

BUT – (here comes the shit) – when I turn the camera on, and I start speaking, I find that what I had in mind, what I had as realization within me, a point that I could see, I am now completely unable to communicate the same way. It is like it changed and all the information just pooped out of my head, or scattered everywhere. And also It never sounds the same LOL.

Here I am, I am getting really tired of this shit, so to say, I want to turn on the camera and I want to speak the realization as I had it within me, the information must come out as it is here, but man, it never happens, I go of topic in the first two minutes, I lose the LINE of information, and I start grabbing other lines and pull them in and in the end I have a knot.

I see that within my writing I create lines, lines that flow as I write, it comes HERE, I am not looking at what I want to write, ot what I have to write or how I must write, it comes as I type each word, this I find is really cool, because I am writing in the moment.

I am mentioning this because I am looking at it and why it is this way within writing but not within my vlogs, what is the difference.

I see the difference is that within writing I will see a point, Let’s say I faced Fear of rejection today, then I make that my topic, and bam there I go, I write it out, with the vlogs I actually see a whole construct and all the connections and how vast things can be, and then I see I have a nice line of information here that I can voice out in a vlog to bring the point across, I know this because I have voiced it in my head already, there is sounds good and all.

So here I turn the camera on and bam, I fucking get lost, I see that within the writing I have already done a shit load of self-writing for the past couple of years and specifically within the JTL blogs the past 335 days lol, the vlogs part isn’t consistent.

So I haven’t developed myself/programmed myself to yet work with information in such a way. Speaking it as I see it, I have only learned to type it, not voice it, same with when I tried to learn zulu, It was easy to learn it, but when I had to speak it I even lost what I learned from reading, it got lost, because the sounding is a completely different dimensions from just storing it in my head and speaking it there.

So basically, I must keep on keeping on practicing till it is concrete as me and the information s aligned within the physical and the sound. Meaning it is one and equal and not based on the mind but actual physicality.