Day 477 – investigating self- Postponement

What does it mean to postpone, what is postponement, let me start at the beginning of what I have lived as postponement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone living and being utmost potential through not applying myself within the most basic and simple tools such as Breathing, and to postpone the physical action of focusing on my breathing because I want to rather focus on what I have been living and giving my attention to for the past two decades which is the mind and thus as my limited potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I cannot right now do this, live my utmost potential, as I still have to focus on so many other points first, and to within this postpone what is here as me as my utmost potential and thus rather focusing on all the problems and all the things I still make myself believe I have to walk through before I can be my utmost potential, and thus creating all that I make myself believe that I still have to walk through before I can be my utmost potential an excuse and thus a postponement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use postponement as a reason for me to not to have to do something right now just because I have a bead feeling within me regarding what I have to do right now that is here, and to create many reasons and excuses that seem relevant and real (even if I really just pull them out of my ass) through using the physical reality and creating “real” points that will not really bloc me from doing what I can do just so that I can protect the feeling within me that is negative, and not having to go to this negative feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone what is here and that I can take responsibility for and to limit myself just because I have a bad feeling on my belly about something that is within my mind, a specific secret fear that I am not sharing with anyone, because it is so small within me that I fear even mentioning it will make me seem weak and small, so I rather postpone what needs to be done and make up so many excuses as I fear doing what needs to be done now by me can reveal this fear to others and mostly to myself, where I experience it within me consistently within doing t5he task at hand, my it be talking to a person, or cutting the grass or doing a phone call for business, or writing this blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone what is here to do as a point that requires a response from someone to move and with me being in the current position to respond to take self-responsibility I will rather not do it right now and postpone till another time when it fits me or when I am feeling that the moment is right, the moment isn’t right now, it is wrong now, so I must wait till how I experience myself within myself change and then I can do what needs to be done, but by that time it’s to late and the moment is gone and the point that needed responses in the moment has not lost its universal connection of possibilities, it is now contaminated by postponement and the flower that didn’t get its water but a day before is now dead the next day, so the room stink up, the bees has no food, and the sun has nowhere to send its ray to, and the only reason the flower didn’t get its water is because someone was to busy sitting on the couch in fear of missing a TV show for the life of a flower.

THUS

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I postpone something within my day I am not just postponing what needs to be done, I am postponing a universal movement, a movement that has to do with more than just me, it has to do with the proce4ss of LIFE and where all life is inter connected, and the moment I postpone even the simplest moment I am harming many other connections/relationships that reality consists of consistently and thus postponing the process of life and helping those that has no idea of this process and or can do nothing about it due to their position in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish within my actions within the ignorant belief that what I do effects only me, and that I have the right to only do things when I feel like it, never considering, within a business, within a relationship, within a family, within a community and thus within this world, everything I do or do not do within every aspect of my life that is interconnected to all life, like throwing a pebble into a pond, or not throwing it, are we creating or waiting, and what are we creating or what are we waiting for, either options is creation, just directly or indirectly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my postponement is a side effect of who I am – it is me as a product and on the label it says, side effects may be postponement of using this product, created over time by all aspects of my life, and thus I can see that this who I am can be changed through the fact that I accepted and allowed this who I am now to be, so I can undo it and create myself as my utmost potential, which will be a product of life, one that functions as and for life, no postponement is possible because my movement is who I am, not a side effect of how I feel or think, but what is here, what is practical what is best.

Examples lived,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone eating food during the day, due to me being within the mind within a consistent state of stress and worry about what I need to do and getting to it, and to within this tire myself out before I can ever get to doing what needs to be done because my body is tired and does not have energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone going to bed at night due to worrying about time and not having enough personal time to get to personal things that I would like to do and to within this end up going to bed to late and struggling to wake up, thus...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone waking up when I hear my alarm within the through of I did not get enough sleep and to within this get to work to late and thus not having enough time to eat and to get to supporting my body properly from the get go and to have an effective day within moving myself and thus going into stress.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone getting to the actual movement of my day once I have done all the planning and all the small things that requires to be done within the morning, such as doing the phone calls and the emails and the trips to appointments and making my life prosper within self-movement due to now lacking energy and being stuck within an anxiety where I have rushed myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone taking actions within my life to correct my consistent errors that I am aware of yet continue falling into the traps, due to me wanting to hold on to some personal points of self-interest such as having my time at night, instead of making that clear cut decision of going to bed at a certain time to get that six hours of sleep in to be able to wake up early and to have a breakfast and to support myself for the day physically and to move myself and direct myself instead of being trapped within energies and emotions/feelings that is the consequences of my actions that I did not direct and take self-responsibility for due to postponing, saying I will correct it tomorrow, I will do it tomorrow, I will get to it tomorrow, I am still okay, I am still fine so I can start with it tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone my life and to not direct my life to be the best potential that it can be so that I can life the best of my potential and still discovering myself within the process.

Day 174 – Postponing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I have something to do such as replying to an email that I just got, to within my mind think “ I will attend this email later with a proper reply” as a justification to why I am not breathing and doing immediately just because I do not feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I receive an email to postpone the email within using the justification of “ I will attend this email later with a proper reply” just because I do not feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I receive an email to postpone the email just because I do not feel like it right now and to within this forget about the email and later on when I am reminded of the email again have the justification of “ It is to late now I will respond to the email tomorrow as there is still enough time” .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I postpone the first time that I have accepted and allowed within myself to see it as justifiable to postpone the email again and again and that my justification will seem only reasonable within and a my mind to fit how I feel, not considering everyone equally involved within the email and how it will affect them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to train myself to not be able to immediately act and direct a point in the moment through postponement and where I tend to forget as the justifications become more and more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that postponing my emails is but one point that is visible within my world, and that this one point is only showing me that I am accepting and allowing it to exist within all areas of my life as self sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within postponing things within my life through dragging it out and causing more stress and anxiety within myself through holding onto one point all day and for even many day that i must still get to it and that never get to it and thus create more thoughts and feeling that I am slipping away from the point.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I get an email and reply to the email through breathing and being here that it is over and done and the point is directed and that is the end of the story.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I create extra tension and stress for myself through postponement and how I PILE things up in my life where something become neglected and comes back to kick me in the ass with consequences that I have to face and walk that takes even more time and effort, where it could have only been a few minutes long if I did not postpone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make postponement acceptable within and as me, not seeing and realizing that I am not just postponing myself, I am in fact postponing everything that it effects and LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear acting in the moment and to within the fear rather postpone till I feel ready, not seeing and realizing that depending on how I feel can take up to a billion years, and thus it is to move and direct myself in and as breathe here and get it done and to prevent any consequences that is possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things dependent on how I feel, not seeing and realizing that if I rely on a feeling to move and direct me that I will and might never get anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I accept and allow postponement within and as me and for me to be directed by how I feel that I am accepting and allowing it within others, not seeing and realizing that consequences of my actions and others, as I see that what if a doctor had to do surgery and me and he suddenly feels like not doing it and postpones rather – how would I like that?

I commit myself to when and as I see myself postponing to consider any and all outflows that is possible within my actions and to within that make a decision to direct and move myself that is not based on a feeling or fear or insecurity but to move and direct myself as that which is best for all life in all ways.