Day 494 - My weirdest love fantasy story Part 3

From PART 2: So now I was letting go of all the girls I liked at school, and now I was starting to look for very very specific girls before I even started liking them or creating a relationship within my mind – they had to at least resemble something from an Anime character from the stories and also have the same kind of personalities/character to them – how they dress, look, speak, act, and their looks obviously – I set up an ultimate love fantasy relationship for myself to find, but what do you know. Something happened that fit exactly that description.

Part 3

Do not worry, there is a point that I am making within all these blogs about my weirdest Love story, but first these few points needs to be explained to understand a bit more.

So while at school now after creating this whole mind relationship with myself and girls and now attaching this to something completely out of reach by connecting it to anime character, to make the search way more difficult just so that I can compromise in my mind why I am not doing anything about liking certain girls/girl in real time/life – to be able to now say “this girl that I like just does not fit the picture in my mind” which again is a anime picture in my mind, where will I find such a girl? It was the perfect excuse and way to hide.

Well surprisingly a girl showed up, she was out of this world so to say, because she wasn’t from my country (South Africa), she was from Holland, and thus she didn’t act or dress like girls in my school at all, she had the physical design, the hair, the eyes, the character – everything was different about her, from the first day I saw her – my eyes locked and was like ‘wow”, my heart started raising and I was excited.

So I started doing the same things I usually did, interacting with this girl, getting to know her a bit, she was shy yet cute and she was willing to talk to me and sit next to me and she had no feeling about her of the girls from my country, I could not place it, but I was really liking her.
But not long after she left, back to her country. And I had no chance at all. But one thing was now confirmed, the type of girls I created in my mind as what I desire now, exists, just not in my country or where I am from.

So years started passing, and I finally got a girlfriend at 16, but not what I desired at heart as the picture that I created in my mind about the perfect girl I wanted I kept going for girls that could, might be the same – but the relationships didn’t last long, I started running after quit a bit of girls and starting relationships. And this fantasy relationship that I have created within my mind as the perfect relationship girl started being suppressed and ignored, even later on forgotten and just went away as Life continued.

But surprise surprise, YEARS later something weird happens, after being in a long lasting relationship, being married with a child and life has moved on for many years, the point visits me in the most unexpected way, I mean, I did create a entity in the past, and all entities at some point needs to reveal themselves.

At present, I was walking around in town getting some things from town for home, and at one of the counters, waiting in line, a women walked pass, she looked at me, and like not just a quick look, but with a smile she made at me, I breathed and stood stable, yes there was this emotional attraction that came up, and a sensation, I didn’t allow it to consume me as I was breathing and simply looking at the points coming up to work with them and not suppress them. And this is where the whole point came from, I found what came up within me at that moment was something familiar from a very long time ago, and it felt like what I was experiencing was only the MIND and nothing real physical, no actual indicators, just a blind emotion that opened up thought patterns, memories, emotions/feelings – which all led to fantasy thinking/longing – and I realized in that moment, I am not aware f what in any given moment might come up due to my past and environment triggering points,

And this is why it is so important to self-investigate and to take self-responsibility for myself completely and not wait for reality to force certain points out of me, as this was a point I could easily work with in the moment, but there are others points that I am not aware of yet.

Writing and walking my DIP, my mind constructs, and really become free within who I am as my own creator, as long as anything in my reality can suddenly direct me and push me a certain direction, I am a slave to the mind and its creations from the past as the past, a slave to the past, and not yet standing as life one and equal.

Day 494 - My weirdest love fantasy story Part 2

From part 1:

But this was never going be in MY MIND, because there are other boys that are way cooler than me in school and they will probably take the cake, so this explains the shame I felt for if I even had to ask the girls out, like all the girls and guys would laugh at me and say – HAHAHA Gian, you and HER!!! Never lololol.

So the relationships stayed within my mind – BUT this isn’t the weird part yet, stay tuned for the rest.. coming in Part 2 -

Part 2
– Now at the age of twelve, I have had MANY crushes on girls, and I can promise you NONE of them know or ever knew, it was all happening secret, even when I could tell the girl really likes me as-well, I would just not do anything, but I found a solution, I wanted to become Jesus.

Jesus was a man who had no one, he didn’t have family, or a wife or kids or any of that, and he could do all these awesome stuff that normal people cannot do, so I started focusing my attention more away from having a girlfriend in real life and rather do some miracle things in real life, becoming just like Jesus was now my excuse and reason to not face the fear or insecurities of asking a girl out.

But I kept the secret relationships in my mind, I didn’t want to let go of that, playing these fantasies out gave me a nice energetic experience that I started getting high on, the LOVE energy, like I would deliberately fall in love/like a girl a LOT and just do nothing but play with the mind and thoughts and feelings and emotions for a while till I gave up on that girl (as was my plan) and then move on to the next girl, obviously there were physical application needed to keep the mind fantasy alive, these physical application was me in reality interacting in weird energetic ways towards girls that was always cute/funny or just weird, which they liked, as weird really leaves an impression. And make the girl like me just to have the hope of them liking me which would keep the mind fantasy going.

As time went by I realized that I was falling in love and then losing the love, falling in love and losing the love, and this ended up creating another kind of weird fantasy relationship.

This one would now be the long term one, where I would be in love, I would have this massive crush on a girl and already in my mind tell myself “I know I am not good enough for you right now, but ONE day I will be, and then I will have the guts, and then I will be able to tell you how much I loved you when we were young and at school, and how much I wanted to be with you, but I just never said anything – and this one day image/picture of me is this handsome guy, with a sexy beard and big muscles and clean look, with money and style etc sweeping the “lost love off her feet” and then we would be so freaken in love and live to freaken happily ever after that it is the perfect story to play out.

BUT this started now getting even weirder – Because I didn’t have any real relationships at this age with girls and only within my mind, I started creating relationships towards pictures – and falling in love with the mind more than with reality and what is real, this crated a deep separation within me from actual living and living in my mind, existing within my mind.

And thus later on when I got introduced to more magazines and porn, things got a bit out of hand, but again not as one might think.

Because I placed women on a pedestal within my mind due to early introduction of certain magazines, I could not handle porn, as I felt it was degrading women and making the perfect picture, well disgusting and abusive (which it is) but from my starting point what I was doing in my mind wasn’t that different – just a polarity, an nothing real.

So I started creating an alternative reality within my mind, (still at the age of 12 here) which had nothing to do with real girls – I started liking or seeking out the perfect girl for me according to ANIME cartoons – which I discovered in magazines (specifically gaming magazines) where I would find these drawing of short anime stories of fantasy characters living in fantasy worlds, with such completely different personalities from real girls, that I found these personalities appealing/attractive – as I I was comfortable with such personalities, and specifically how they dressed and physically looked, like NOTHING as real women of the girls in my school at that time, and I believed that it was awesome to have a cartoon to place my fantasy relationship within because it isn’t a real women, and thus not degrading or anything towards women ) none of this was ever sexual FYI) – sexual things only came into my life at the age of 14.

So now I was letting go of all the girls I liked at school, and now I was starting to look for very very specific girls before I even started liking them or creating a relationship within my mind – they had to at least resemble something from an Anime character from the stories and also have the same kind of personalities/character to them – how they dress, look, speak, act, and their looks obviously – I set up an ultimate love fantasy relationship for myself to find, but what do you know. Something happened that fit exactly that description.

This will come in the next blog – Part 3