Day 124 – Being Skinny – The Machine Within Part 10

Continuing from Day 115 Part 1 taking quotes and applying Self Forgiveness accordingly.

Quote 8 Part 2: “basically feeling useless – I still kept my mind running, keeping burning the energy as I was in the fear of not moving, fear of not pleasing and fear of not being relevant.”

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being muscular as being pleasing to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I will only be pleased with myself once I am muscular and not skinny.

I forgive myself that I have not realize that what I do and how I look will not change who I am and thus it is to change who I am as the starting point and removing the problem from the roots down to be okay with myself as I am and to from there on see what is practical and best for all life in and as the physical and to apply myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to gain weight and muscles based on the Idea I have about muscles that was brainwashed into me as a kid and the made up beliefs of what having muscles mean such as strength, confidence, meaning, usefulness, and the guy that does not get fucked with and gets all the girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed by society and to within this kept on brainwashing myself within my mind with constant thoughts/pictures/ideas/beliefs/opinions and back chat of what I am supposed to look like and within this only create self hatred towards myself and to separate myself from myself as my body in the resentment I have created towards my body for not being the apparent right body and to neglect my body and abuse my body through the mind trying to impose pictures onto the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place self confidence within a picture of how I should look and that once I look like the picture only then can I be self confident.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place strength within a idea/opinion/belief within my mind connected to a certain picture that I have made myself belief that only once I achieve the picture in my mind, only then can I have strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place “self value” within a picture within my mind as to how I should look and that only once I look like the picture in my mind can I value myself, realizing how absurd this is and how I have abused myself mentally/emotionally and physically in the past within not valuing myself as LIFE waiting for me to first look like a certain picture that was brainwashed into me by society and the media and that I accepted and allowed as truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place “usefulness” within a certain mind created picture of how I should look like before I can have any usefulness within this world, realizing that I have been making myself useless within this belief and wasted my life waiting and waiting for my body to become a certain picture before I acted and lived, realizing that what I do does not determine who I am, but that who I am determines what I do and sow within this understanding I see and realize that my body and how I looked had nothing to do with what I was doing and not doing but that it was a reflection of who I am that accepted and allowed such bullshit and so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Blame my body for certain points in my life where I used my body as an excuse for not doing something or for why certain things never happened or worked out, realizing that the excuse within itself was the limitation and a result of who I am as what I accepted and allowed myself to exist as.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to care and nourish my body properly within self movement and nutrition but instead forced it to become and do what it isn’t meant to do or become such as the excessive working out and drinking shakes and supplements while my body was/is still developing and that I have compromised and confused my body and so only created consequences for myself/body.

To be Continued.

Day 123 – Being Skinny – The Machine Within Part 9.

 

Continuing from Day 115 Part 1 taking quotes and applying Self Forgiveness accordingly.

Quote 8: “basically feeling useless – I still kept my mind running, keeping burning the energy as I was in the fear of not moving, fear of not pleasing and fear of not being relevant.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I am not moving that I will become useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place usefulness within how much I move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself in and as the fear of being useless within what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the value of my usefulness within how much I move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of not being useful and thus becoming useless when I do not move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Move myself emotionally within fear as to having to move a lot and to push my body into exhaustion just not to be seen as being useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect me being skinny as not moving enough and as not physically doing enough and so I have created the idea that I will never be satisfied with my self-movement until I have gained weight/muscles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a goal for myself based on Ideas/beliefs/opinions of the mind that I can only be satisfied with my self-movement until I have gained weight, as I have created the connection of – if I gain weight I will have the physical evidence to show to everyone that I move/work a lot and thus I am not useless.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I seek confirmation from others if I have/am moving enough/working enough, and thus not realizing that self-movement is in each breathe as who I am and thus it is not determined by what others think, as I am always with myself in self honesty and thus it I to be able to trust my self-movement as who I am as that which is best for all life in all ways, even if I had to live on my own planet for eternity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek my usefulness within what others have to say about me, and thus I see and realize I have created the MUST gain muscles point as a physical point within myself to be able to manipulate what others think about me to think only “that guy must be working hard, look at his muscles”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the amount/size of muscles a person/me have to the meaning of “that must be how hard the person work and thus that must mean the person is useful”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being useless because I am not gaining weight as muscles to prove to others that I do move myself and work hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to prove to others I work hard through having the amount of muscles and the body to show others physically I do work hard.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that my want/need/desire for approval from others to confirm that I do work hard because of my body that I have comes from a point of self judgement that I have of myself and not what others judge of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being good enough to work hard because of my physical body that I am cursed with as being skinny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sure myself through judging my skinny body, instead of remaining here in each breathe in and as the physical with that which works practically best for all in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself not being capable withing doing all physical work due to my skinniness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being able/capable of defending myself against other human beings in this world as it currently exist as because I am skinny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to gain a muscular body that can work as a weapon to harm Life just to not to have to feel insecure about my skinniness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the danger I am to myself and others within the point of feeling insecure about my body and to what lengthiness I will go to “make-up” for my skinniness in other areas in my life to hide and suppress the skinniness that I judge as weakness – such as getting into fights or becoming an emotional bomb of anger and that can lead to the type of stories you hear about in the news and always wonder, how did this guy do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure about myself being skinny and as if I am always open for attacks and abuse from others because of this, and so I create a defense for myself within myself to not be a bitch for others where I would take extra precautions such as taking karate classes or carry a knife on me or a gun or I would always be busy in my mind thinking of the next moment and how I can harm someone just to prove my skinniness isnt useless but has power all based on beliefs/opinions/ideas in the mind created in secret, all in the name of FEAR and feeling insecure about my body.

To Be Continued.