Day 247 – The Death of My Horse Part 5 – The Journey to Life

Titan is the Horse in the Back and Fat is the Orange Horse in the front.

 

continuation of Day 242 - The Death of my Horse Titan Part 1
and – Day 243 and 244 – The Death of my horse Titan Part 2 The Journey to Life
and – Day 245 – The Death of My Horse Part 3 the Journey to Life

and – Day 246 – The Death of My Horse Part 4 the Journey to Life

Leila wrote a cool blog on the events of the day here that Titan was put down – Day 146: Death of a Horse (Titan)
and continuation on her point here - Day  147 and 148 - Aftermath Death of a Horse

Also to see the process of horses here with us and their process stuff in general, check out the interviews from Eqafe, really cool.

Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 1
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 2
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 3

Continuing from Titan getting cancer removed from his eye and all the events around it.

The point I faced the most with Titan was the reality of having a horse, it is the most basic point to consider when having a horse, that a horse is a animals that comes from the wild but has been domesticated, this has been happening for thousands of years and most horses are now basically just domesticated horses. So their bodies are still designed to be out in the wild but at the same time it has been compromised completely over time.

Thus Titan in general everyday Life gave me this reference point to always consider the reality of anything before I do it, before I go ahead in jump in and to first be real with myself and to remove all the mind delusions/illusions that is here that paints reality with pictures built out of beliefs/ideas/opinions that is always based on self interest.

I found with Titan that a horse’s Hoofs are extremely important, looking at a horse weighing about four hundred to five hundred kilograms which is quite heavy and their Hoofs that is quite small in comparison, has to support their entire body, they use their hoofs ALL the time, unlike humans that these days spend more time sitting and laying down, like sleeping and watching TV and being at restaurants and working in offices or any type of work where sitting is the position mostly used, They have to stand eating and even sleeping, sometimes they lay down but for a short period like really short.

If a horse has any hoof problems or indication of a problem it has to be fixed immediately because it can mean the death of the horse, a horse can’t function on three legs, they need all four, unless you have the time and money to somehow look after a three legged horse and built plastic or mechanical legs for the horse, it is best to prevent that in any case since we live in a world that cares only about money and not LIFE.

I got Titan and one of the main problems was his Hoofs, they were shit, they were really bad, I did not know this at first and thought it is okay, I mean the guy we got Titan from was a Farrier (hoof guy) so he probably knew what he was doing, well I was lacking a lot of self common sense back then within understanding THE PHYSICAL and required my ignorance to be burst through other people showing and telling me what happening – within this process I faced a lot of reaction towards people when and as they would tell me what to do and or how they would tell me mostly, because my ego just could not face the facts that I am not special and do not know anything and that I need to be guided by my hand like a baby again.

I felt like Titans hoof problem was a Burden to me, I really resisted working with his hoofs and fixing it, all I wanted was a horse, not his problems that would take more time and more effort and more of me to consider all points, that just wasn’t me, I disliked it, again personality is limitation and enslavement to energy.

Obviously my dislikes are my Limitations, and this soon was pretty clear to me, other people that has had horse experiences for years and worked with lots of horses before helped me to show me what to do in the mean time and how to take care of it.

I had to place Hoof oil on Titans hoofs every day, I had to clean his hoofs every day for the top part of the hoofs, then there was the bottom part of the hoofs that also had problems, a bit of rotting hoof frog and rashes, this required me to wash Titan’s Bottom hoofs with Luke warm salt water daily or even place his hoofs in a bucket for at least five minutes, now you can image keeping a horse still so that he will keep his hoof in the bucket for five minutes and what that can be like especially if the horse does not YET give a shit about working together with you and till the rot was gone over time and to scrub the (mud rash) with a brush at the back of the hoofs daily with water that I placed some chemical in for support.

The bottom Hoof parts got sorted much quicker than the rest of the entire Hoof, for instance the cracks that the hoofs had and in general the Height of the hoof, since Titans hoofs was flat and cracked it was actually in the opposite of what it is supposed to be.

We got a Farrier out and he did the hoof rasping and cutting out of the froggy part, we changed Titans Diet and we kept his feet looked after. After a while the hoofs started changing, this happens over time as the new part of the Hoof starts to grow out and we just keep on keeping the hoofs in place.

Due to Titans Old age in comparison to what other horses age to currently, not the real actual old age as horses can live up to 50 years when taken care of and looked after from the starting point of LIFE and not motivated by money, his hoofs was expected to never be completely fixed, as the consequences within Titans Body that has manifested through all his years of the Human abuse towards him and the System we have created that dominates over all life in the name of money are already HERE and thus now we can only work with that.

Titans Hoofs never did fully stop cracking and never got perfectly right, but it was one hundred times better than before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that most if not all conditions horses and all other animals have and has and is still going through is due to the current money system and that all and any abuse done to horses that we see as normal today and that a vet can simply fix is deliberate abuse towards the animals and lfie as it is ALL preventable through simply changing the money system that is here to a new system that instead is LIFE such as the Equal Money System

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that what I like and dislike is part of what makes me special in this world, not seeing and realizing that it is in fact my limitations either way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as soon as I have a thought within my mind of something that I like or Dislike that in that moment I limit myself to what I am actually in fact capable of doing as the physical through my reaction and resistances, seeing and realizing that all that is really required of me to do it, to move myself and to DO IT because that is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I dislike or Like isn’t real because that doesn’t mean anything in terms of if I can do it or not.

I commit myself to when and as I see a thought come up of where I like or dislike something to stop and to breathe and to look at why am I limiting myself to do something, why would I deliberately Limit myself as to what I can do or not, and to stop that limitation through going where I resist going to show to myself what is real and what is not.

Day 246 – The Death of My Horse Part 4- The Journey to Life

continuation of Day 242 - The Death of my Horse Titan Part 1
and – Day 243 and 244 – The Death of my horse Titan Part 2 The Journey to Life
and – Day 245 – The Death of My Horse Part 3 the Journey to Life

Leila wrote a cool blog on the events of the day here that Titan was put down – Day 146: Death of a Horse (Titan)
and continuation on her point here - Day  147 and 148 - Aftermath Death of a Horse

Also to see the process of horses here with us and their process stuff in general, check out the interviews from Eqafe, really cool.

Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 1
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 2
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 3

Continuing from previous Blog from this part: “The this dentist started looking closer at Titans Mouth and he said, wow that is quite a old guy, we looked at him and said, well the guy we bought him from said he is 8/9 years old, the dentist then laughs and said he must have lied, this guy is definitely not younger than 20 years, he is probably about 21/22 years old from looking at his teeth and gums. It was quite a shock, but it also made more sense in terms of how Titan physically looked and behaved, this added a lot to what we thought we knew about Titan”

So all of this took place still in 2008, it happened quick and there was no Time to think about the things that was happening, I had to direct myself in the moments and move myself to act, most of the time I was reacting, the acting only came after I reacted to all the situations/scenarios/events.

With Titan in the first few months I have seen allot about myself and it really burst my bubble of what I thought about myself as EGO and the alternate Me in my mind that I have had all the years before.

I always had this Idea/belief that I am strong and independent and that I was stable and confident and all the good stuff anyone would like to be – and I have within many years of my life played out these movies inside my mind where I am this character that has all those qualities.

Within my mind as a teenager I always had the thoughts about myself that there is a hidden me inside of me, and that this hidden me will and can only come out in situations that requires a different me, almost like superheroes that we always see on TV and in the movies.

So within the events/situations that came up with Titan it was shown to me that what was in my mind was in fact not real – because every time Titan had something or something was happening or something had to happen I would first have a thought, this was me seeing myself NOT being able to deal with it, then I had a reaction towards this thoughts that was Emotional based, like I had no power to deal with it, I am useless.

Since this was all still happening within the six months that I was in a mind fuck that I accepted and allowed and thus I was experiencing myself all the time which was like a walking dead man which is a great depression, everything else that happened with Titan escalated this process of facing myself and it accumulated everything, and at the same time It gave me a lot of “shocks” – these shock brought me out of the depression slightly and I was able to move, because the movement that was required had no choice involved. I had to move I had to act, I had to make decisions.

Obviously this inst the preferred way to move from such a point of depression, because it showed me that the only way I was going to take responsibility for myself was through trauma and shock and though other events taking place within my world which then was at the expense of other life forms such as Titan being the one going through all the physical experiences just so that I can wake up, it is abusive in its nature.

It also showed me to what extent the mind has been given power by myself over myself as all the thoughts/feelings/emotions, because here I was a healthy teenager with a physical body that is capable of many things within movement and applying myself and here I was laying in depression as if I am dying, when in fact my body was completely good/fine. It was only the mind fuck that made the experience real and thus gave it all power.

Now with Titan and his situation with the other horses and the stables and the dentist all happening quite quick more stuff came along, Titan had an eye problem, I had to keep his one eye clean all the time as there was constant goo stuff coming out, and then after a while this goo stuff became a bit more and then I saw a thing inside his eye – Cerise got the vet out and the vet did whatever the vet does.

It was later confirmed that the stuff in Titans eye was Cancer – the vet said that it can be removed since it wasn't going anywhere and that which we could see should be all of it, so here came the next point.

After being with Titan fro weeks Me and him have created a relationship by now, it wasn’t easy but we could be together in the stable, he was jumpy and resistant to working with me, Titan in that time has also shown me a few other sides of him, If I dare say that the side I saw while being with him in the stables was not expected since I have already created this Idea in my mind about him and how he is, which limited me and how I expressed myself towards him, I was always in defense and control mode and so was he, but those moments that I let go of my guard he also did, and then I would see Titan – a gentle calm intimate horse – this became the Titan I lived with for the next years to come.

So hearing about the cancer I knew that there was going to have to be some sort or operation, I was emotionally not ready for it, I actually did not want to be there and watch, because the vet Literally was going to sedate Titan right there in the stables and then started cutting the cancer out of his eye, I found it unusual as I expected a hospital.

But I had to be there, again there was no Choice, my internal experience of what I felt like doing and wanted to do was completely shoved away and immediately shown to be of no substance to the matter at hand, because I had to keep Titan standing up and not falling around while the Vet is Cutting with a extremely sharp surgical knife in his eye while Titan is sedated.

The sedation that titan got for the surgery was twice as much as what he got for the Dentist, thus Titan was almost a dead weight standing up.

After the vet gave Titan the sedation he told me to wait a minute and see what happens to Titan, then we saw that Titan was going down with his head and his knees were wobbly, the Vet then said just hold Titan here so that he stays up, I stood next to the vet and also hold up Titans head a bit for the vet, then Titan starter falling to the side, he almost squished me and the vet into the wall, I pushed Titan away, the vet the said.. You must go and support Titan there.

I placed my arms around his front body just underneath his neck, with my legs standing firm, I thought this isnt to bad, then Titan started relaxing more, his weight came onto me and he was getting heavy, the Vet then said He actually needs me to keep Titan’s head up, so I took a different stand and two other Girls came in and started helping with keeping Titan up.

The vet said, Titans head must not move, and I saw Blood falling down from Titans face, the cutting has started, my arms are now holding Titans face and the girls are holding his body more firm, Titan the suddenly lifted his head up pulling me with and he actually threw me into the wall behind me, Titan was still sedated, I was shocked and realize how much strength a horse actually have, I had a new fear, as I reacted and created thoughts about the event.

As we stood for a while I kept on holding onto this Mind Idea/belief I have of myself as the alternate me to motivate me to not Fail and to be strong and to push through, But half way through I started having emotions within my body – the thoughts that came was “I CANT DO THIS ANY MORE” my body was tired and in pain, Titan was getting heavier and I was sweating all over and sweat even got into my eyes, Now that burns like hell.

The Vet said he is almost done, there is only a bit more he has to cut out, the two girls are also Tired, I just want to let go of titans head, but I know I can’t, my arms and my legs are Burning and shaking.

So while I was doing this physical activity of supporting Titans Body while he is operated on, I also had ALL these internal shit going on, all the thoughts and the characters and the emotions and feelings and then all the new experiences I created through all the new events and it is all like weakening my body, placing pressure on my body and it made me in the end want to give up, because instead of focusing on just the one actual dimension that is here as the physical with all the physical energy, I went and took more physical energy from my body and I turned it into Mind energy and just started burning it, which weakens the body.

I eventually pushed through and was able to keep Titans head still and let the vet finish his Job, by the time I heard the vet saying, I am done, I was able to just keep on holding on to Titan, I did not experience any tiredness, it was interesting, at the end of that I was quiet within myself and there was this breathing something new to me, a physical breathing - it was slow and deep and focused, In and Out, I felt it moving as my body and it was all that I was focused on, it was the only way I could do it, the physical forced me to that one point that is real.

To be Continued.

Day 245 – The Death of My Horse Part 3 – The Journey to Life.

continuation of Day 242 - The Death of my Horse Titan Part 1
and – Day 243 and 244 – The Death of my horse Titan Part 2 The Journey to Life

Leila wrote a cool blog on the events of the day here – Day 146: Death of a Horse (Titan)
and continuation on her point here - Day  147 and 148 - Aftermath Death of a Horse

Also to see the process of horses here with us and their process stuff in general, check out the interviews from Eqafe, really cool.

Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 1
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 2
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 3

So within the next couple of months of getting Titan it was quite a new experience for me, taking care of another being, now I wasn’t taking care of him as you would take care of a baby where you are with the baby all the time, No all I had to do was the basic points he could not do himself.

Because Horses aren’t designed to live in stables and to actually be with humans, we have created ALL of this extra work, we have taken the horse out of his natural life where Nature naturally took care of everything and we have divided those points into separate things that now require a human to do them, this is providing the horse with grass/hay/food and with Water and to give them a place to sleep that is save so that they do not get stolen and abused and we have to keep it all clean, the water buckets and the stables such as picking up poo and taking out the dirty bedding and replacing it.

And also the other important points of having a horse if not some of the most important points, their hoofs and their teeth, see in nature there are certain terrains/environments that naturally take care of the horses hoofs and teeth, now they have none of that, so we have to spend money to get their hoofs done by a professional and we need to get a professional out to do their teeth, and the thing is these people aren’t even really professional, only some are, and we found a few people that seemed most trust worthy within what they do.

We check for these people within their general behavior and their behavior towards the horses, it shows a lot about a person, and then obviously the main point was, can this person do what they need to do such as trimming and shaping the hoofs of the horse effectively without harming the horse or having to use violence to get the horse to co-operate and if the person confident within what they do and the same goes for the dentist.

So I did not have to do the hoofs YET or the teeth, but the rest was a daily scheduled activity that took place, it happened in the morning and it happened in the evening, this was the most stable and consistent parts of my day, because no matter what happens I always knew that the stables is definite.

So Titan by now has integrated and he has made great friends with Grootman at this stage, they were placed next to each other in the top six stables because Grootman bullies the other horses but not Titan, I never got to know why this is. Maybe because Titan has been through so much and obviously the point of Titan just not reacting to the bites and the stuff that made Grootman respect him.

So I remember the first Time we got the dentist out to come and do the horses Teeth, I wasn’t sure what to expect, I mean I hardly had any real communication established with Titan in terms of working with him so how is a guy going to be working on his teeth.

We wanted to get the Dentist out so that we can see what was happening inside titans mouth, since he was being neglected and so on, and we started seeing signs of Titan doing weird things with his mouth which seemed like he has discomfort in his mouth with his teeth probably not fitting on top of each other, Because a horses teeth does not stop growing and just keep coming out it is dangerous to leave it to just grow and can kill a horse and lead to infections and all types of mouth shit.

The dentist came, this guy seemed what i would call shady, he looked poor and not well looked after himself with a shitty car and all the gear on the back, he started taking once he got there and I asked questions and so forth and he said he worked/studied in England for 5 years, I took that as a good thing.

He then started with the horses, we let him start with horses that already had training and discipline and so forth just to get things moving, by the time he Got to Titan we just told him he is new and we have no Idea what to expect, he said no problem I will get it done.

When a horse dentist wants to work on a horses Teeth they have this metal bit thing they place in the mouth and it then opens the mouth and locks, so that the horse cannot close their mouth at all, This guy could at first not get that thing around Titans face, he struggled and said that we are going to have to get a vet out to sedate Titan so that he can work on him, we called the vet and he came and he gave the sedation and then this guy started doing his job.

It sounded harsh and bad, I heard teeth grinding and chipping sounds as this guy was rasping away at Titan’s teethe, I stood next to Titan holding him and keeping him stable and calm, showing him that I am here for him and that this is currently best for him, they guy said he had a little bit of over grown teeth but not too bad, Titan did how ever have two sharp little teeth that needed to be cut with these little cutters.

I saw for the first Time a sedated horse and it looked bad to me, like the horse was dying within that state and wanting to fall over the whole time, holding a horse up and in place while the dentist grind away at the teeth wasn’t easy, I was sweaty and my wish the whole time was for it to end. I did not want to do that.

After the guy was done and Titan was still sedated he started playing with Titans tong to show us how they usually can do it without sedating a horse, where you take the tong and place it outside the mouth and hold it so that the horse does not bite down, and all I thought was man everything we have to work with animals is to cruel and brutal in nature and they tolerate it all.

The this dentist started looking closer at Titans Mouth and he said, wow that is quite a old guy, we looked at him and said, well the guy we bought him from said he is 8/9 years old, the dentist then laughs and said he must have lied, this guy is definitely not younger than 20 years, he is probably about 21/22 years old from looking at his teeth and gums.

It was quite a shock, but it also made more sense in terms of how Titan physically looked and behaved, this added a lot to what we thought we knew about Titan
To be continued.

Day 243 and 244 – The Death of My Horse Part 2 - The Journey to Life

This is a continuation of Day 242 - The Death of my Horse Titan Part 1

Leila wrote a cool blog on the events of the day here – Day 146: Death of a Horse (Titan)
and continuation on her point here - Day  147 and 148 - Aftermath Death of a Horse
Also to see the process of horses here with us and their process stuff in general, check out the interviews from Eqafe, really cool.

Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 1
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 2
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 3

Continuing from this Part: “We eventually got it all to stop as Cerise and I and others helped, we ended it and got Titan back into Isolation from the others.”

The first Day with Titan was quite a experience for me. It was a emotional and Physical experience, I had to face many points from within me to act and direct myself to help Titan, Titan had to be introduced and we had to find a stable point for him on the first day, it is the only way.

So after we got Titan out of the field where he was chased and kicked and got a bite or two, we got him to the stables, we all then started assessing what is happening, though the events that happened we could learn a lot from Titan.

We were able to get perspective on Titan and his past though his current behavior and interactions, because horses in general are leaders, they seek leadership and they change leadership according to situations/moments, it is quite fascinating how they can give such a position over to another in a single moment of testing.

A Horse will test other horses through little things, like if one horse wants to see if he can be the leader he will go to one horse at a time and see if he can move that horse, and seeing what the other horse accepts and allows, this way they can take the lead or follow, depending on the outcome and accordingly they will have a leadership line, if one horse ahs to be sick then the next one in line will take over.

So with Titans introduction there was this conflict of him being new first of all, so he had to be tested – and ALL the horses tested him and he fell, Titan did not stand up for himself and this was a weakness to the rest, and they all went ahead and showed Titan his weakness, not standing up for himself and being accepting and allowing abuse.

This is what gave us the perspective of Titans past with Other horses and humans in general, it showed that he had been though extensive abuse, to such an extent that he simply accepted and allowed it to happen to him.

So when we got Titan back to the stables and we then had a chance to take a closer look at him while he stabilize and get calm, to calm Titan down I took a brush and started brushing him over his body, I for one felt insecure to brush a horse, like I was intruding Titan, I could not handle the Idea of brushing a horse, I used to judge myself as being too cool to do these type of things.

But I had to do it because it would help and there was no choice, Titan was my responsibility, while I brushed him Cerise got a carrot from the feeding room to give to him, he enjoyed the carrot and ate it quite forcefully.

Cerise also then started investigating Titans body and I started noticing things on Titan’s Body while brushing him.

The first thing I noticed was that his ribs was showing a lot and it was uncomfortable brushing over it, the wooden part of the brush would hit his ribs if I would brush normally, so I started brushing slowed and higher, secondly I saw that there was a lot of Bald spots on his body where there was no hair, and some of it seemed like old Bite marks and the other ones simply seemed like anything could have caused it.

Cerise investigated his Hoofs and his body in general, Titan was not well fed and underweight, he seems tired and weak in his body, like he has been struggling for months, we then went on to the Hoofs and this is where the fright came in, his hoofs was the worse I have ever seen for myself, obviously not the worst that has ever existed, but it was bad.

His hoofs was split in the middle all the way to the top of his hoofs almost and his hoofs were halfway flat, this is not Good or normal at all for a horse, it can be deadly for a horse, imagine a horse with their big bodies are supported by four tiny hoofs on the ground, so no need to imagine, it is a fact that their hoofs are extremely important. The other scary part that made me really angry was that the guy we bought Titan from was a Farrier; a Farrier is a guy that does horses Hoofs for a living and makes money from it.

This guy had Titan for a couple of months in camp with no grass, just dust, and he took Titan back because of a money point – the person he took Titan back from want looking after Titan and he did not pay for Titan yet, so after Titan went through all of that this guy takes him back just to fuck with his life even more, put him in a camp and neglect him.

I was furious and knew that all I could do was work with what is here, and Titan was here and I have responsibility for him now.

I found that seeing within what is here and existent within people and what they are/can do to animals and what life people give to animals within this money system that runs everything - that we are pure evil, it is the saddest thing I could realize and this motivated me, the understanding, the seeing with my real eyes – because Titan just made it all real for me, it wasn’t something out there and distant from me.

WE then had to find a solution for the situation, Titan wasn’t going to integrate like the other horses any time soon, we decided to keep him in the stables with a horse next to him.

This way they could have contact and get used to each other and there cannot be any harm done as the stables give distance and security.

We changed horses from time to time till we found one horse that Titan was okay with and that hey other horse was okay with Titan.

Within the first six months of my process here on the farm I was in a depression, the depression was facing myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and seeing this for the first time and actually looking at it.

Within the depression I slept allot and I did not want to move or be active unless I was forced to. And now I have a horse that is my direct responsibility which means I cannot have choice to when I want to be with him or look after him, I had to work with Titan, he became that one point in my life where I was forced out of my limitations since I did not take self responsibility for myself, I did not stand up for myself, I accepted and allowed the mind to direct me.

So for the next three months I had to do Titans Stables everyday twice as much as everyone else, because Titan was staying in the Stables all the time with different horses, obviously in the mean time we tried getting him into the group and getting him to stand up for himself and be an equal leader, we had to give Titan the opportunities to learn and to stand for himself, he has never done it in his life before, OR he has and always failed and this led to him always just running away and giving up.

While working with Titan and being with him for a long period of time in the stables I have learned a lot of him and from him about myself.

Titan was stubborn – while I would work in the stables I had to move him around to get to the poo and to clean out the hey and to give him water and so forth, and I have to clean his hoofs and take care of Titan over all.

So what would happen is, I would start with cleaning Titans hoofs and the process of this is to ask him to give you his hoof, it is a team work thing, otherwise there is no way.

I have to take my hand and run it down his leg and then place pressure on a certain spot behind the leg which a horse “reacts to” and then lifts us his hoof for you, with Titan this never happened, he did not lft up his hoofs for me, I had to take his leg and Pull it with force from the ground, If I did not do this I would not have been able to clean his hoofs, he did not give a shit for Humans in general.

When I had to move Titan out of the stable or to do anything where moving him was required he just never worked with and I soon discovered why, there are a couple of ways that we have learned from professional horse people on how to move a horse, you have a level of working with them, it goes from ask/show/make.

So when I want to move Titan I would start with asking while giving direction of course, he did not even give the slightest attention to me to what I am asking, so I start showing him, this requires me to tap him or give some physical indication of what I need him to do, I never asked him to do anything unless I had to, such as cleaning his stable, moving him into fields or any other practical thing, so I was really not asking a lot or un-necessary things. And then I had to go to the next stage of making him do what I am asking.

This is where I started facing myself as well, because making Titan do what I asked was like abusing him for me, it was like I was now going to the same level of those that abused him, that probably made him the way he is.

I had a lot of resistance, I did not want to do it, it was wrong to me, I had a lot of self doubt within this point, so I allowed someone else that had already worked with a horse to do it instead, I did not want to fuck up, I did not want to be the hand that abuses, Let someone else be the abuser and I will be the one that enjoys the end results instead.

So I saw what I was doing within that, I allowed others to do what I knew I had to do just so that I did not have to feel bad, but yet It was okay for me to let someone else do it and feel bad and then I can have the fruits of their work, so I decided to take responsibility for this point of having to go there, to see what we as humans have created as the consequences.

Because I used a bit of common sense, I had to be self honest, Titan has been abused all his life probably and that means he is used to being moved and asked to move a certain way, he does not know anything else, he will not respond to anything else, Not YET though.

So I had to use what he was used to, I had to use force to move him – and that is what I started doing, obviously with a difference, I did not do it because it was personal, I did not do it because I was angry at him or because I reacted to him or because I took him as who he is personal, I did it within the starting point of helping him and to bring about equality within our relationship.

So I had to move Titan with force, I had to literally hit him with a stick to move left or right or forward, and he would sometimes Still not move, Titan had built quite a tolerance for violence against him, I had to cry at some stage because this only showed me what has already been done to him and what he has already gone through in his life, that he was able to handle a stick smacking him and he would seem like he wasn’t reacting or even feeling it at times at all.

After working with Titan for a couple of weeks with force there was a change, because while I was working with Titan I though this point I saw that I could beat him with a stick or with slapping him or whatever way I could to move him, that what was needed at all times was intention within physical movement. NO emotions/feeling or any internal bullshit or Titan would get aggressive in resisting what I was asking. 

I had to be his leader no matter how much I resisted it or did not want to do it or where ever I was experiencing, working with Titan, whatever I experienced he immediately made it all invalid till he could see I was here physically working with him, because he knew that any internal movement within me any fear and emotion any experience is what create the abuse he already went though and he knew that if he gave that internal reality/experiences validation it would make another monster because once energy is given a way out to flow, it will consume and it will require something to constantly fuel it, where Titan stood still and did not move or react back and only showing me to me in those moments, the energy went away, because I was only able to move him once I was here and clear physically breathing. 

I could see Titan was walking two different points, one with Horses and one with Humans.

To be continued.