Day 168 – I need a Hero 2.

Read Day 167  – I need a Hero and the rest will make sense. 

So here I bring the point of wanting to be a hero back to self, because it is always self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the role of having to be a Hero for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see/feel that someone else needs saving to make it my Duty to be the one to save them and be the hero, when and as it is always only about self interest where I am making myself feel better about myself, where I am accepted and valued and special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be special through being other people/animals hero as a way of valuing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Value myself according to other peoples acceptance of me, and to thus create a point/character such as the Hero Character to gain the acceptance so that I can assure my self-value, not seeing and realizing that this way I am always dependent on others acceptance of me before I can value myself, and that whenever I am not accepted that I do not value myself and within this act out in disrespect and no honor of myself in many parts of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am the one that decides my own value always – as I am the one that must accept and allow it, and thus I see and realize that it is self-sabotaging and self compromising of me to reLIE on other peoples acceptance before I value myself, and thus I see and realize that when and as I stop all value systems that is dependent on energy input/output and what remains here as the physical as LIFE is the value of all life in fact, and thus I am the value of Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as long as I rely on the acceptance of others which I gain through being a hero, that I in fact rely on others to have a fucked up life so that I can be a hero and be accepted and value myself, and thus I am supporting abuse of all LIFE through my acceptance and allowances of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that a Hero needs/requires a Broken world to be a hero, and thus I see and realize that I have to stop the want/need/desire to be a hero to value myself through the acceptance of others as being their hero so that everyone can take self responsibility for their actions and life’s so that we can stop all the abuse that is here and kill all heroes and valiance as energetic characters feeding off each other just to have so self value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I rely on the acceptance of others of me which I gain through playing the hero role that it will always only a temporary before I go into the opposite of not valuing myself and that I require someone else life to be fucked up so that I may be a hero again just to get the energy boost to feel that I am accepted and thus value myself, seeing the abuse in this kind of questions superman.

I commit myself to when and as I see someone in need a a hero, to stop and breathe and to look within myself of what the starting point is, is it to make me feel better or to end the abuse and to change the world to a better place for all in all ways where the value of all is LIFE as it is, and to correct my starting point and then see what is here and direct myself accordingly.

Day 167 – I need a Hero.

When I was about sixteen years old I was walking in the house one day and I heard Music playing in the kitchen area, I walked into the room and I heard the song “I need a Hero” playing. I enjoyed the sound of the song, then I saw on the couch my mother was sitting there, I looked at her and she looked at me, I saw there was tears in her eyes, she was sobbing/crying – Immediately I had a bad reaction of – “there is something wrong with my mother”, and I asked my mother – what is wrong, she said nothing is wrong, it just reminds me of the old days – I immediately took the words from the song and placed it into context of what was here – my mom was older with a husband and three kids, and she probably did not want her life to be this way – so she looks back into the past and what she had and now in the present it feel like she needs Saving from her current life – obviously this was a bit personal for me – because here I am enjoying my life and being young and doing what I wanted while my mom gave all of that up so that I can be here – almost like I was forced into her life and not she is in a forced situation. Obviously all of this took place internally and from my own assumptions, but it left a emotional scar – I kind of made a deal with myself to one day “save: my mother form her life so she can live again.

So after a couple of years I moved away to the farm here, going on with my life – and one day I walked into the Lounge in the main house and there was loud music playing – the song that was playing was “I need a Hero” – the song hit me immediately and I started crying, I kept the crying to myself as I felt ashamed of it and suppressed it – At the moment I had no fucking clue why I was crying, it only hit me later on when I was breathing and clear and the memory came to me, I only now remember it again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that it is my Job to save people from the lives they have/are creating for themselves – seeing and realizing that it is not to save someone from their life’s as it is their responsibility – I can only show them the way after I have walked it myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it my personal mission to save my mother from the life she is trapped in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume my mother is trapped in the life she is living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I was only projecting at that moment my own fears/thoughts/emotions onto my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to save my mother just to feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that if I change my mother’s life that only then can my life change and through that create the Idea that I have to make it my Job to try and save her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I saw my mother in the kitchen area crying that the reaction/emotions/thoughts/back chat that I was experiencing was all about me as they all were existing within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I feel guilty for existing and being here as I have made myself feel like I am the reason and cause my mother had to stop living and start being a slave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I was conceived that I did not plan for it and that I wasn’t there making the decisions and thus I a simply here and responsible for myself and everything that is here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself in that moment that Isaw my mother crying to the song “I need a Hero” for being the cause/reason that she needs a hero.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I blamed/judged myself for in that moment was about things I have already judged and blamed myself for in the past and thus was already existent within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk this live with the constant feeling that I am a burden only and not worthy of being here as others had to Give up their life’s to raise me, not seeing and realizing that such blame/judgment is completely useless with me being here right now as it have no purpose or value or relevance to what is here and is only self sabotage and compromise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see my mother in an emotional state to immediately assume that I must be the cause for it and thus it is my responsibility to fix it, not seeing and realizing that I am within that as the sins of the fathers just doing the same, giving up my life in the attempt to save someone else’s life, instead of focusing on a solution that will save all life's at the same time and better all life’s and give “living Life” back to all equally as that will and can only be a real solution in fact as money is the point deciding everything currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I have to be emotionally Strong” and never show any feelings or emotions for the sake of my mother and to be the one that can save her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be a Hero in my mother’s eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that being a hero in my mother’s eyes will be all I need this life to feel validated and accepted and loved, not seeing and realizing that it will be a endless cycle of abuse unless the entire system that keeps it all together first change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to design and create characters for myself specifically according to what I believed my mother needed to feel that she is being saved.
To be continued.

Day 166 – Can you do this for ME!! - The Dishes

I forgive myself that when and as a Person asks me to wash their dishes for them to react within the Idea/belief that they are only taking advantage of me and my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I react to when someone asks me to do THEIR dishes for them to react to the though of – seeing myself do dishes while the person who asked me sits somewhere else doing nothing” and to within this have the back chat of “why can you not do it yourself” and to then instead of breathing and realizing that I am reacting and thus it is a sign that I am existing as the mind as energy movement like a robot, instead of self movement and thus it is not about what the other person is asking me or what they are doing instead of!! It is about Who I am and what I accept and allow myself to be limited by and a slave to it and if I am going to accept and allow it or not – Thus I see and realize that as it is about WHO I AM and not the other person, that I must move myself, and as long as there is a energy movement within me to that moves me, to WILL myself to do the dishes for Myself to break the enslavement of energy movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone else asks me to do dishes for them to Make it about them, not seeing and realizing that it is always about me and who I am that determines what I do, thus when and as I see that who I am is but a energy movement/reaction as the mind that only exist in self interest and limitation, to stop and breathe and to correct myself in and as breathe to do what is best for all life as Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am asked to do the dishes to reflect my reaction onto another in the fear of doing something that I know is not within my pre-programming as a slave to the mind and that I will Change and that the change will be seen as weakness and that other will take advantage of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the real weakness is me reacting and not WILLING myself to do the dishes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that doing the dishes reveals a strength that is not of power or dominance or self interest – It is the strength of me Willing myself to do what is best for all life and set aside my self interest and ego and to be humble to another as I would in fact like them to be towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I am asked to do the dishes for someone else to first want to know the reason WHY? And if the reason isnt valid in my opinion to act in spitefulness towards the other being as a way of gaining some weird sort of power/authority and diminishing the other person and to make them feel bad for asking me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize the evil within my actions towards my fellow beings through my words and deeds in self interest where I defend my own limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am asked to do dishes for someone else to be more concerned about what they are going to do instead of doing their own dishes and to feel that I ma being abused for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am asked to do dishes for someone else to first check in my secret mind what else I could do in that time instead and if it is worth it or not, and to accordingly have a reaction that will not reflect what I secretly want to do instead but twist the whole point instead, just s that I do not have to feel guilty for saying NO in a mean way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the Character that comes out to play when and as I am asked to do dishes for someone else - comes from a stage/memory from a long time ago where I was a kid that had to do the dishes while mom and dad was just sitting around or watching T.V and I was left with no reason/understanding but simply a Order/duty forced upon me and left alone to have thoughts/feeling/emotions un watched and running wild, and as I grew older the memory became a living expression of the hidden thoughts/feelings/emotions I pondered on as a kid, and now I an automated reactive robot simply responding to a experience, with no self will or movement, and thus I see and realize that it is but a character and not real, I do not have to play this character, I can let it go and create myself a new, as that which is best for all life where I am life a self moving being with the will of Life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am asked to do the dishes for someone else – to react to my own back chat of “ but it is your dishes, you used it and did not wash it and now the burden is asked of me to do them, you are being selfish and lazy” – Not seeing and realize that my inner words are but revealing my own actions in the moment that I reflect upon another as to not to have to look as self and correct myself and take self responsibility for myself and stop all internal chattering and imagination and to focus on what is here as the physical as that which is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize than when I am asked to do someone else dishes and there is/are NO thoughts/feelings/emotions as reactions that doing dishes will simply be an act of doing it.

I commit myself to when and as I am asked of another to do their dishes, to take a deep breathe before I say anything, and to be self honest with myself and ask myself a honest question, am I reacting? and to be strict with myself and DO the dishes if there is any energy movement within me, till I am clear and not moved by any energy – where I then rebirth myself as a self willed self moving being that can only move myself as LIFE as that which is best for all LIFE in all ways and nothing else can move me – and the dishes will get done.

Day 165 – Justifying is Fighting for Limitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am confronted by someone where my actions/words are questioned and points pointed out to Instead of Breathing and Correcting myself “feel” that I have to explain my actions/words in the fear that if I do not explain myself that I will be seen as less than the person confronting my words/actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as a Person points out something I have done or am doing in the moment to react and Try and explain myself To justify why I did not see/do the obvious thing – seeing and realizing that as soon as I want to justify myself that I am in fact dishonest because to attempt to justify implies that I knew what I was doing and what I was not doing Instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that Justification is a deliberate act as to why I did not correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that Justification is only MIND as I try and attempt to explain my back chat and thoughts and thinking processes – and that justification is a outflow of feeling guilty as I know that I could have instead of having backchat or thoughts have Changed and corrected myself Physically i the moment and thus I know I did not do this and thus the Justification process starts of fighting for my own limitations.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that Justifying myself is only me Fighting for my own limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Justify my actions/words when someone points them out to me in the attempt to spite the other person just so that They may not win in showing me how it is possible for me to self perfecting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I justify my actions and words is when I still believe that the mind has power of me as the knowledge and information I hold as all the excuses and reasons that the mind made up for why I did not change/correct myself in and as Breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone else is showing me a Better way of doing something to Justify why I did not do it as such to sound smart and clever and that I was considering it BUT instead took it the other way just to not having to listen and learn and grow from the other person and to instead fight for my limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that Justification is always justification and isnt a reason in fact. A real reason for why I did not correct myself in breathe in the moment would be when for instance a meteor falls out of the sky and kill me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify my own justifications as being special and full of reason and common sense, not seeing that it is me fighting for my own fears/limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that Justification is but a fiction of my imagination and not reality in fact but a compilation of self made up ideas/belief/perspectives limited to my own knowledge and information that is rooted in fear and thus can never be trusted.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself wanting to justify to Stop the words that want to fall onto my tongue and to take the Air of Life into my lungs and Bring myself here and to Correct myself as the flesh and bones that I am as Life.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I want to defend my limitations/fears (EGO) through the reasons/excuses to stop and take a breathe and to instead correct myself and to realize that when someone is helping me and it makes sense within and as the physical that is here that it does not mean I have to speak, it means I can correct and breathe.

I commit myself to when and as I Feel the storms of fears arise within me of when someone else shows me what I have already known but did not act/correct, and the urges and temptations of my fears come to defend them, to stop and breath and to realize I am not the inner red flames of fear and to take a deep breathe to cool the flames and to realize myself here as the breath and to correct myself - instead of fighting a battle that is always only against myself where I defend my own limitations only and to learn from another in humbleness.

Day 164 – Let me Explain as Justifying myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I want to explain myself to attempt to manipulate myself and what I see I have to explain as a way of justifying myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am faced with having to explain myself in situations of confrontation to instead of Breathing and correcting myself to instead try and explain myself as a way to Justify myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use circumstances as a reason to justify my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Blame as a way to reason and Justification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always Look at everything outside of myself as reasons and ways to justify my decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I am looking at everything out there for the cause/reason for my actions that I am not self honest and not looking at me as the one making the decisions in fact in the end always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I use and look at everything out there as reasons/excuses to Justify my actions that I am only justifying instead of correcting myself and perfecting myself as Life as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Through justifying my decisions/actions teach myself that it is impossible to correct myself instantly as Breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Justifications as reasons and excuses to not correct myself instantly in breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Justify my actions/decision as a way to not face Instant correction/change as breathe as a way to hold onto that which I know and feel save with, not seeing and realizing that I am in fact holding onto my own limitations and enslaving myself to the mind with all the reasoning and justifying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entangle myself in and as the mind through reason/excuses and justifying my actions and creating layers of knowledge and information within and as myself as I have to hold onto the justification to always be able to tell the same Lie?justification to anyone who asks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear instant correction in and as breathe as LIFE as that which is best for all life in the fear of losing my limitations I have known for years and have become a slave to, seeing and realizing that it is not best for all and not myself as I am part of ALL, and thus it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to justifying myself in explaining myself that I never considered correcting myself instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as and when I use reason and excuses to justify my actions/decisions hat I will always only live a life where I am in the boundaries of those reasons/excuses and thus will never be able to see what is here in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I justify my actions/decisions that I have in that moment of justifying created a Bubble that consist of all the reasons/excuses as the justifications and that I am now Bound to this bubble and having to live in this bubble and keeping it alive, because I know that when the bubble pops I will be revealed as one big LIE and so within this I will always do things and make decisions that Limit me from my Past decisions to sustain the bubble, even though I know I can change my decisions and actions I make but then that will show everyone that I was LYING to them within my reasoning and all the excuses I made out to be so REAL.

To be Continued

Day 163 – Hurting My Back Final.

I hurt my back a couple of days ago – and I started writing in my Journey to Life blog on the point of hurting my back. Day

I have been writing about how it happened and then I went into the past into how I saw it all manifested and so forth, what I did not see was, that the moment I took the point of hurting my back and I started stretching it over space and time laying out all the points is that I was justifying how I hurt my back and why I was/am in the current situation I am in as being useless.

Let me explain – when I hurt my back – IN that moment I was faced with a decision and I was aware of this decision, the decision I had to make in the moment was if I am going to breathe or go into the mind about the point, I decided in the moment to go into the mind and thus FEAR – instead of breathing.

What happened when I went into fear – I had backchat and thoughts, the back chat was “Oh shit what if this is serious and my back is damaged” and the thoughts was -> “seeing a picture of me unable to move or do things as I was paralyzed or something like that” then I had Fear – the fear was a reaction and thus all my movements/actions was to prevent the fear from coming real, BUT what also was happening in that moment was me giving signals to my body that there is something TERRIBLY wrong with my Back, and thus I started experiencing something terribly wrong with my back.

How Do I know this – if you read my first blog you will see I say in there that I have been having this pain for almost a year now – every single time I had the pain before - I breathed and moved on, this pain occurred in specific moments where I picked something heavy up with my back – so the pain kept on occurring and I healed my back ALL the other times through breathing and moving my body into Correction – and it was corrected every time, it did not have any effects on my Life at all except for the few minutes every time it occurred – I was able to continue doing heavy work and lifting heavy things and being a working guy.

This particular day when I lifted the back of chicken feed up I had the back pain again – I re-created it in that moment – it wasn’t a re-occurring pain from previous times – I literally hurt my back every time newly. So this time I Felt the pain more because of How I moved the bag over my neck (different from all the other times)– which was a different movement and thus a different pain – All I had to do was to in that moment breathe and correct myself in the moment – believe it or not it is possible to correct your body yourself – we as humans have limited ourselves completely out of fear.

So as I hurt my back on that particular day I accepted and allowed FEAR – where previous times I did not have fear but I just breathed and moved my body to correct my body and continued working and lifting and doing the hard farm work. Some of the previous time the pain was worse than this time I got it.

So what is it that I see happened– after it happened I was thinking about it – instead of correcting it physically – and because I was thinking, my mind was jumping to every single fear and conclusion and whatever else could go wrong, I was thinking shit what if this is because of accumulation from all the other times and now it is time to pay, what if this is a point of neglecting my body because I did not do anything all the previous time, Oh crap I am in deep shit, I will face the consequences of thinking I can handle this myself every time It happened, - SEE how I gave away all Self trust as the physical to the mind – and what was the obvious next thing to come up – I NEED a doctor – Motivated by Fear.

The doctor was purely needed just to ease down my fears and to make me feel save again – not even fixing my back as the main point – and when I was at the doctor that doctor gave me all of this information about my back and what was Out of place and how it could have happened and so forth and then there was even more fear and thinking and thoughts and I just kept on giving all these signals to my body, almost like this --> BODY!!! There is something terrible wrong with you, you are HARMED and have been ABUSED and you must FEAR this because it can mean DANGEROUS things for you and YOU MUST now act accordingly and feel the pain accordingly and you now must be BROKEN – OH my god body you can be paralyzed and you must be in so much pain right now, and you must be feeling crap right now, and you must be tired right now etc etc etc. – this is all the signals I was sending my body through participating in Backchat and thoughts, Instead of breathing.

This is the signals I would have given my Body if I was breathing --> ( ) Nothing no signals. And within giving my body no signals I could have actually literally PHYSICALLY corrected myself as all the other times

How much credit do we humans give our own bodies – we ARE our bodies – so why can we not AS our Bodies move a bone back into place that went out, why do we need surgery and doctors for everything – why can we not simply when we have a virus move the virus out of our bodies as or bodies – Because we are not aware of our bodies and we exist as only as our MINDs as complete limitation and that is why we now suddenly require outside forces to fix us that “study” our bodies – why do we need someone to study What we are in fact – because we are not aware of anything as our bodies.

So after I had a chat with another persona and these points were brought o my attention I was kind of knocked over – I asked the person – So wait a minute, it is possible to correct ourselves even with something such as a spasm in a single moment?? (search up what a spasm is), and the other person replied – well not instantly maybe in about 15min or so because the correction is You moving yourself into correction as the body as the physical, and the other person said – I cracked my back once and corrected myself – I found this unbelievable and kind of impossible – and there was my problem, I tried to understand it with my mind and how it can be possible, because I was raised with FEAR and that doctors is always needed for everything and that without doctors you can’t do anything.

So I was still in pain when I heard about this, I was still in the “healing” process – then the other person said – you have to trust it absolutely = no thoughts about it, thoughts are doubt. And no back chat, as back chat is uncertainty. And then I said fuck it and I breathed and I started moving myself into correction and not continue on the path I was on for the last couple of days with healing myself in justification.

Within a couple of Minutes my back pain was gone, I went back to doing horses and everything else I always do as normal work. NO PAIN. I breathed and stopped any and all mind related Bullshit, I moved my body in correction as the muscle and as the whole body breathing. No thinking. I failed this days ago when the pain and the “damage was still extensive, I will walk this point again and I will correct myself in the moment and then I will write about it..

Now I am not saying do not go to a doctor if you hurt your back, I am not saying when you break something of your body to not go to a doctor, we as a human race is quite far from learning this in full context – I would suggest to anyone to walk the 7 year Journey To Life blogs/writing where we rebirth ourselves as LIFE as the physical and to stop the mind so that we can get to the stage of healing our own bodies and correcting it as ourselves.

As I have given quite a nice example of how the mind over takes the physical and fuckes with us and everything if we accept and allow it.

But while we all are still fucked by the mind and cannot yet comprehend the physical and what exactly is possible a doctor will be needed (chiropractor) and in the mean time learn to heal ourselves.

Are you aware of every cell in your body? – Imagine you are and what can be possible as the physical, this requires no mind no thoughts/feelings/emotions/backchat.

Investigate Desteni and rebirth yourself as Life.

This blog is of my own process and I am still within “theory” of it all as I am walking it. This is me laying it all out within seeing the mind and the physical and debunking some beliefs for myself that I had.

Day 162 – Hurting my Back Self Forgiveness Part 2

 Continuing from Day 161

Quote: “I am walking outside – I just came form the dam, I am tired and hot, my body feels like a bag of sand that can just lay down – we have been laying bags of sand on the dam wall all morning, this is about 4 hours of working with heavy bags, moving them and picking them up and so forth. I just want to get to the house and take my gumboots off, my feet are boiling in them and it feels like the skin can tear off my toes – I get irritated by this and I am hungry.” Quote end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am done with work such as lifting and moving bags all morning – to go into the mind as thoughts where I see/project myself into the future of a desired place I want to be after work, and to within this compromise myself here in the present to deal with what is here as I am now only moving myself in the present in no awareness only “locked on” to the desired place I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to no see and realize that when and as I go into or have thoughts of future projection where I see myself in my house taking my gumboots off and just sitting down and having a rest, that I am within this compromising myself within the present and what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I create future projections as thoughts as a desired moment in the future – that I will create conflict and reactions within the actual current present moments here as anything that comes up in the moment here will be a conflict of interest to what I have foreseen myself doing, and to within this “rush” and not do things properly in full consideration and awareness as for example if I am asked to take down a crate from a shelf while I am walking to/into my future projection that I will rush it and harm myself/my body as I reacted/resisted the task that was asked of me in the present moment – instead of breathing being here where I can consider what is here and accordingly move and direct myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I am don with work such as lifting and moving heavy bags all morning and my feet are saw from wearing and tearing them in gumboots and thus feel like they are burning and is saw – to make and create it into a thought/feeling experience that leads to me rushing myself and not being aware of what is here, but that it is to BREATH and be here and to see what I can do in the present practically to solve the problem, as the present solution will be to see that I can take off my gumboots at the nearest area where it is “save” and thus do not have to wait till I only get to my house and in between still wear them the whole time – seeing and realizing that because I went into thought/projection instead of breathing I missed the obvious point/solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am done with heavy work – to use the Idea/belief that I have done heavy work as a reason excuse in my mind as back chat – for/when someone asks me to do something on my way back home, to be able to say NO I worked hard already and I am tired and want to get my gumboots off and eat – and where I use these points in back chat to generate a case in court where I can defend my justifications/reasons to not help or to why I am helping but that it is me being KIND as a way of threatening people, as if I am saying, If I wasn’t kind you would have been suffering now – instead of seeing and realizing that Breathing is the actual real solution where there is no reasons and justifications needed to what is here, so If I am breathing and someone asks me to do something for them such as lifting crates off a shelf, that I would not react and answer from a programmed response, but that I would be able to consider the physical which would be what is here, where I look at my body in the moment and if I am capable of helping or not – thus making it a yes or no answer and to direct the situation practically from here, this is ten time s simpler and better and no ego that can feel it got harmed or have to prove something etc.
To be Continued.

Day 161 – Hurting my Back Continued With Self Forgiveness

Continuation of Day 160 – Hurting my back and uselessness – continued.

Quote: “I can see this one character that plays out of me being Kind to everyone that asks me to do something for them, and because I am being kind I belief I have to do it and thus I force myself to do whatever they ask of me and that it makes me feel useful and to not lose the usefulness I make it extra – like stuff that only I can do, or I make it so – read...” end quote...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Play the “kind” character that assumes the position of having to do what everyone asks of me, instead of seeing and realizing that when and as I play the Kind character that I will within this go into EGO as the mind as a energetic movement where I ACT out on the energy and move myself as a energy and thus not consider the physical and practical ways of doing things and the consequential outflows of my actions as my actions will only be that which supports and maintain the KIND character - even if it means compromising myself and harming my body within my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Play the “kind” character that assumes the position of having to do what everyone asks of me to do, as I belief it is the appropriate way to behave when someone asks me to do something, instead of seeing and realizing that when I am asked to do something that it is not to immediately jump and do it, but to see what needs to be done practically and thus accordingly move and direct to get it done, this can mean I can either do it alone or direct myself to get help and get the job done, thus it is not a matter of I was asked and thus only I must do it, it is a point that requires direction that was given to me and thus I can direct it as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and direct myself within and as EGO as a energetic movement where I compromise my body and harm my body as I see and realize that when and as I am within an energetic possession as the mind – I cannot consider that physical and all that is here in fact as the actuality of it, as the EGO energy is only acting out to maintain the character to maintain the act and thus to feel useful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone ask me to do something for them to have the belief that Only I must do it as I am asked. Thus within this belief that comes from the Character of being NICE - compromise myself in my actions such as Picking up a heavy crate all alone, instead of asking for help, believing that if I ask someone to help me with lifting the heavy crate that I will be a burden to them as I was the one that got asked and not them, and to within this instead suffer within myself as a form of “sacrificing” myself in the name of being kind lifting the heavy crate all along, harming my body which will in the long run have consequential outflows such as spine injuries and back spasms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see ands realize that it is not about me not being able to life a heavy crate all along, it is about the starting point of wanting to do it all alone and that within the starting point being ego as an energetic movement that poses the body where the body moves as an energy, that I within this movement do not move my body one and equal to life the crate, but that I instead as the EGO move my body to only LOOK good as the Kind character that isn’t in support of hat I am doing as lifting the crate and thus harming my body and causing injuries and consequences that can in the long run be permanent such as spinal injuries where I use only my back to lift things up instead of using my legs more and supporting the whole body, as this movement requires one to be here in breathe in full awareness and not a energetic movement as the mind as EGO.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to do whatever someone asked of me to do such as Lifting a heavy crate all by myself, so that I may feel Useful and that the person who asked me to do the thing for them will find me useful as they now know they do not have to bother anyone else to do such a job as many other people, but that they only have to ask me as I can do the job all alone when I am asked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly make myself useful in the eyes of others through compromising and harming my body in doing the heavy lifting all alone by myself and to “show” that others are not required for the job as I can do it all alone, thus creating and making myself an exception from the rest as making myself a commodity for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I am doing is possible and that it is simply to change the starting point and to within that still do what I know I can do where it does not harm my body, and to when and as I see that what is asked of me may harm my body to stop and breathe and ask for more help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Act as the Kind character within the fear of that if I am not kind that I will render myself useless to everyone else around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not act kindly to others that I will not be seen as useful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be Kind to others out of the fear of not having value in their eyes, not seeing and realizing that I do not value myself and thus seek it within others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek value within others and what I can do for them, and thus within this seek thing that only I can do to sustain the value I belief I am receiving from them, not seeing and realizing that within this I make my own self worth/value nothing as I will go into the polarity of this point if no one has anything for me to do, seeing and realizing that self worth/value comes from who I am as Life as the physical as all that is here one and equal and thus not from anything outside of myself, and that Who I am determines what I do.

To be Continued..

Day 160 – Hurting my Back and Uselessness – Continued.

In yesterdays Blog I gave a few updates on the situation with my back and how I have created/manifested the consequences in a few examples, yet there are thousands.

So Today I am going to walk a scenario of such event where this character plays out.
What is the character that i Play in front of everyone. I red my blog from yesterday again and I saw a very interesting spelling mistake.

Here it is.
“I can now see how many excuse and reasons and justifications I have made up in my kind”

Notice the word KIND that was supposed to be Mind, this I saw as very specific – because I can see this one character that plays out of me being Kind to everyone that asks me to do something for them, and because I am being kind I belief I have to do it and thus I force myself to do what ever they ask of me and that is makes me feel useful and to not lose the usefulness I make it extra – like stuff that only I can do, or I make it so – read...

So here is the scenario.

I am walking outside – I just came form the dam, I am tired and hot, my body feels like a bag of sand that can just lay down – we have been laying bags of sand on the dam wall all morning, this is about 4 hours of working with heavy bags, moving them and picking them up and so forth. I just want to get to the house and take my gumboots off, my feet are boiling in them and it feels like the skin can tear off my toes – I get irritated by this and I am hungry.

As I am walking by the house I hear someone calling me “Gian” – I know within myself they will want me to do something for them – I think “ what is it they want, I am tired, I really do not want to talk and do something for them” – it is a girl calling my name so I know it can only be one of two things I can do for them, either lifting or doing something heavy or fixing/building something for them – I say yes what is it – the girl comes up to me and say, can you help me? I reply back – depends with what and how long it will take. I am already resisting a bit because I am tired and irritated by the gumboots,

I really just want to get them off and in my mind as back chat I am say to myself – I have already been working hard all morning, don't make me work hard again, I am hungry and tired and my body is saw” kind of like already creating statements that I can use for when I am asked to something I don't want to, to use them to get out of it.

I take a deep breathe and tell myself – Ok I can do this – the girl asks me to take down the big black container in the bathroom, it is full of bedding stuff, someone new is coming to the farm so they are preparing the beds and so forth, I say okay – Back chat -> “ I have no choice, no one else is going to take that off, this needs to be done now because the people are busy with it now, and the new people are coming tomorrow” I walk to the bathroom, I know the black box is heavy and very uncomfortable to take off, I really physically have no problem taking it off, the only difficulty it the location it is in (the amount of space to work with to take it off)

So I grab a chair and I get on the chair and I grab the box where ever I can, I start pulling the box and I secretly think -> “ shit it is heavier then last time, but! because I could do it last time I have to show that I can do it this time, otherwise the girls will not be able to rely on me anymore to do this job for them and they will always see it as a burden to ask me”... this triggers a ego point within me – Backchat ->I must do this and I must do it alone. So I pull the box and I lift it up, I realize there is no where to go with the box once it is in the air, the limited space around me to work with this box is compromising my actions, I force my body to bend weird and hurt it a little bit, the girls are at the bottom asking me, are you alright? I reply every time yes!, I say okay take the box once it is low enough for you guys, as I lower the box I feel the muscles in my arms going powerless and I think –> the box might fall SHIT!!” I do not say anything and instead compromise my body once again, I hurt my back a bit putting that extra muscle into it to contain the box.

I get down and make everything seem okay – the girls ask me – will you just wait and then when we are done put it back – I say yes sure thing. I wait and they are done and I put the box back up, backchat - > “putting the box back isnt that hard.”

I walk away and feel that I have served well today – I helped someone today with something they can not do themselves. I was kind and I wasn’t useless, I am needed.

To be continued with Self forgiveness.

Day 159 – Hurting my Back Muscle and Uselessness.

Yesterday I hurt my back – my right muscle that runs along my spine went in a Spasm, this is when the muscle contracts and causes extreme pain due to Spinal injuries, search it up.

I have had this pain for almost a year, if not longer.

I refused to check it out with a doctor, because the pain would come for a day and it would be fine the next day, every time I had the pain I would not tell anyone. as the day goes by I massage it here and there by myself. I was able to “get away” with it because it wasn’t that bad yet.

I thought it was my kidneys due to the location I was feeling the pain at. So I did not even consider it could be a muscle that got ripped and isn’t healing because I just kept on working.

So why did I not STOP and take a real look at what is going on and just assumed and continued compromising myself and in the end my entire body and life. When I look at the point and every time I had the pain and what I used to justify why it isn’t that bad or why I do not need a doctor I see the following.


First of all I did not want to take a look at the pain or mention it to anyone because I Feared that if there is something wrong with my back then that will mean I cannot do work, I cannot get stuff done on the farm and thus everyone that relies on me to do Things for them will have to suddenly now wait for me, and with things like horse and other duties - other people will have to work extra on my behalf, so I feared that I will become a burden, or a problem for others as I cannot fulfill their needs/requests.
So now in the current situation this is exactly what manifested – that which I fear, if I went earlier I might not have had to face the point as I do now.

I hurt my back two days ago when I had to refill the chicken seed in one of the chicken camps – I was asked the day before by a girl as she cannot do it, thus she relied on me to do it so she can continue with her daily duty, If I could not do it no one else could (I assumed), the day before I had the extreme pain in my back already, but as always I ignored it and believed it will go away as usual. This did not happen, as I picked up the 50kg bag everything was fine, I was carrying the bag for about 30 meters already and then, when I got to the second gate I wanted to change the position the bag was on my shoulders to open the gate easier, as I twisted the bag, something terrible happened in my back, it was extremely painful. I breathed and said (backchat) “it will go away, just get the bag to the chickens and then it is over” - once I was done with the chicken feed I walked around with extreme pain in my back, I could not bend my back, I struggled breathing and my back was pulling to the one side and I could not stop it. I did not tell anyone again – as I feared that as soon as I tell anyone I have to stop working and rest, now if I stop working and rest a lot of things on the farm that involves a lot of people also stops, this is an inconvenience for them.

I hate being a inconvenience to people as I fear they will hate me for it and judge me for it and actually start fighting me for it, and I see this is what I do in secret towards others when they are sick or got hurt and eel that they are not placing more work/pressure on me and so I fear becoming what I judge.
So the last two days I haven’t been working or doing my other duties as I went to a Chiropractor and found not just a Muscle that is going into spasms – My right Hip bone has been out for a long time which cause the muscle to pull more which then placed pleasure on my entire spine which cause two bones in my spine to slide out of place which in the end cause my muscle to tear and thus I ended up where I am now with the extreme spasms, It could have been worse if I waited longer the chiropractisioner said, I could have fractured a bone in my spine If I did not come and thus I would have required surgery.

So I see here how my back chat and secret mind fucked with my entire body over space and time.

I can now see how many excuse and reasons and justifications I have made up in my kind just not to mention the pain or the problem or to get help, one main Belief I entertained about myself was that I might be indestructible LOL – sounds funny but it is true, I believed that I could not get hurt or that if I do get pain I can simply quickly heal and it is over, and that I can do with my body just what I want and nothing will happen, and this belief is/was created to justify why I do not need help or why I do not need to tell anyone or get a doctor to look at it.

Till that one day – BAM the manifested consequences fucks me over as the result of participating in the mind as thoughts, back chat and all the other shit in there instead of stopping it and following common sense and the Physical.

To be continued.

Day 158 – When The Starting Point is Self – Judgment Continued.

Day 158 – When The Starting Point is Self – Judgment Continued.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I have to do something new within my day such as Planting a tree or Building a desk to do the task from the starting point of Judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less then the new activity such as planting a tree od building a desk where I will have back chat within the judgment of “ Ok I Have never done this before and thus it means I will be bad at it” and to the when and as I am doing the activity I constantly have the belief and thinking that I ma doing it wrong and not right, and so I create stress and anxiety for myself while I work where I feel self conscious about myself within doing the activity and that someone will come along and “attack” me. Saying I am doing it wrong and why and that I am bad for doing it so.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself that when and as there is a new activity that I have to do, that I judge myself as less than the activity to create competition within myself to be motivated to do the activity just to proof to myself and others that I am not less than the activity within the fear of being less then the activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself within my mind small, and to within this try and be Bigger and better in what I do, not seeing and realizing that I am trying to disproof something in my head through my actions and thus contaminate everything I do with ego instead of common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be incapable of doing a certain task in my life within the prominent judgment within myself where the back chat always is – “ people do not expect this from me, they all judge me as weak and not able to, I must proof them wrong” and so force things in my life just to disproof people based on what I have in my mind (thus not real) and to within this harm my body such as picking up heavy bags and carrying them around forcefully – as this actions is reaction to the self judgment I have of myself based on the fear of being less then the job/task and that others will see me as weak for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear if other people will see me as weak just because I can for instance not pick up a fifty kilogram bag.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be judged as weak by others when and if I ask for help from another to pick up for instance a fifty kilogram bag and to through this instead pick up the fifty kilogram bag myself and force it onto my body and case harm such as muscle spasms/torn muscles that can lead to fracturing the spine and a lot of self harm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that me not accepting and allowing myself to work within equality and oneness with my body creates insecurities as I compare what I want to be able to do within my mind to what is possible in and as the physical with the body I have and to then force the mind ideas/belief onto the body and cause harm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and move myself as the mind within and as the beliefs/judgments of the mind in a attempt to disprove the body and to say – look the mind was right I could do it and therefore I am strong and not weak and I can do things, and to within this process break the body as I want to place/impose that which is not real onto that which is real.

I commit myself to when and as I have to do a task/activity/work to work with my body one and equal in and as the physical and to use my body in oneness and equality in my movement and considerations to not give into the ideas and the wants/needs/desires of the mind that is always made greater and better in the mind then what it really is and that will cause harm and to not participate within such behaviors as the ego through forcing myself to do the opposite of what the mind wants to do, as everything works in reverse and at the same time walk through the self judgments and ego points in physical breathing space time and to write and self forgive when and as I see points coming up that needs direction.

Day 157 – When the starting Point is Self – Judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within activities in my daily live from the starting point of self judgment, and to within judging myself within the particular activities I do as not being good enough, or not being able to do it, or that I am less than the activity I am doing and to within this go into a competition with myself where I compete with myself to prove my self – judgment right or wrong so that the mind as the Ego can get an energetic kick out of it, does not matter if it is good or bad.

Example – I have to built a new Desk for someone. Before I start I have the thoughts of - “ me making the desk and finishing it and it looks crap and not “perfect” and not stable or nice” – and to then have the back chat of – “Ok so I am not supposed to be able to do this Nice of Good as I have always or never in my life perfected anything” as the self judgment – and to then within this have fear/anxiety/stress the whole time while doing the job, the fears are that someone will Judge my work and tell me where I am doing it wrong or not good enough, or that I will finish the desk and the persons who’s desk it is will be disappointing and thus only confirm my self judgment and beliefs about myself – and this stresses me out as I work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself as less than the Job/work that I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being the “guy” for the job, thus I will still do it but I will just not be able to do it perfect, seeing and realizing that I limit myself within this judgment and thus compromise myself from perfecting myself as the “guy” for the job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself To fail myself for every job I have to do before I even do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am asked to do s Job such as building a new desk for someone to go into the mind as thoughts such as “ seeing myself already fucking up the desk” and to within that have back chat of “ Oh fuck I hope I do not fuck this up” within the fear of that if I fuck it up I will get punished and that I have wasted someones money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Learning something new within the already created expectation of myself of fucking up from the judgment of I am not able to do work that needs specificity and patience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes to perfect myself in any and all kinds of jobs within the fear of wasting someone else money, not seeing and realizing that as I have the fear/reaction within me of already fucking up that when I am actually doing the work, that I will be in constant anxiety/stress that takes away my focus here as breathe in each touch that gives away self direction and where I am then directed by UN-seen forces such as thoughts/feelings/emotions that will direct me and thus cause fuckups – seeing and realizing that the self judgment and fear is actually in fact only creating it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Identify myself as a failure in anything I do due to past mistakes where I did not correct myself, and to have not identified myself as being unable to correct myself and only being able to make mistakes, not seeing and realizing that I never gave myself the chance to fix my mistakes and to learn from them without any judgment and to breathe and walk the correction, seeing and realizing that this is the solution and the way to self perfection in each breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I MUST make mistakes to learn and self perfect myself, not seeing and realizing that mistakes is simply a second chance and not a MUST, and thus it is possible to self perfect the first time through breathing and being here in each touch in and as the physical focused in and as one dimension and not multiple dimensions that will cause dimension shifts that causes one to “fuckup”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self – perfection as it will show to me that I am able and capable and that all self judgments and beliefs and all the fears I have accustomed to was BIG fucking LIE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear Losing my Fears and self judgments and Beliefs in the fear of losing my comfort zone as all my limitations that I have enslaved myself to – That I simply got accustomed to and never considered anything beyond them such as self perfection and just kept on living the Lies about myself I kept on telling myself.
To be Continued.

Day 156 - I can do This Continued.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I have to do something new such as a JOB in my life to think " I can not do this I am not mature enough" and to react to such thinking in a fearful way where I have the thought of " I see myself doing the new "job" and not being respected by the other people I work with and even get abused physically or emotionally" and to respond to the though within starting to create a new character that I belief will be "fit for the Job" where I will take on certain features and behaviors in defense of what I fear can/might happen such as changing my voice to a more deep manly voice, or start working out and pumping up my muscles to look stronger, or attempt to grow a beard to look older and tougher or to start wearing cloths that I belief will make me seem more rough and like I have had a tough life and know how to handle myself and situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave to the thought of "seeing myself doing the new job and not being respected or being abused emotionally or physical" and to go into survival mode to prepare myself for fight or flight, not seeing and realizing that I am actually the one creating and making myself the danger to others and that is why they would want to harm me as to protect themselves as I would have created this image/Idea that imposes and threatens others, which creates fear in others and as they would do the same as me. And in the end we have both sides living in fear of each other and thus have more of a probability of someone hurting someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the idea/thought of being abused physically by other people I do not know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create thoughts of fighting and dying and abuse within my mind, just because I have a fear of strangers and that they are always the evil ones, never looking at myself and my actions and seeing how I am actually making myself the evil one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make other people as "always being the evil people" and that I am always the one that must defend myself against them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I always see/create/make everyone out there as the "evil people" and that I am the good one that must prepare myself to fight and defend myself not seeing and realizing that the other people are doing and thinking the same as me, and thus that is what creates the evil from fear as thoughts, two "good" sides believing the other side is evil and thus both prepare to harm one another out of the Made up fear of one another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that we live in a world system called capitalism that is based on the principal of some have and some does not have, and thus the whole world is turned against each-other in their minds in the fear of being the one that does not have, like billions of others around us, and thus everyone that does have - will fight each other and scheme against each other in order to win and not lose so that they can continue feeding themselves and their families, seeing and realizing that the thought patter I have and the fear is but a creation of a world that does not support people but leaves people to suffer and survive at any cost, and that how the Capitalistic system take "good" people and turn all into evil as humans that only know self interest - as if it is the only way to survive and live in this world and will die for self interest, as there is no other way to live currently, this is why the equal money system is the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear others humans through projecting what I know I am willing to do in the name of self interest and survival onto them and to within this continue the evil within, instead of stopping and living here physically within common sense and practicality and not thoughts/feeling/emotions and so Step by step change who I am and so change the world as who I am determines what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the future in my mind within thoughts where I can only project my fears as becoming real in my future and thus only live in fear and create fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I fear and project into the future as my fears is me laying out a path for myself that I am telling myself I will walk and thus will create the fear to become real, seeing and realizing that this is really stupid and self abuse, instead of being here as all life in each breathe in consideration of all that is here within common sense and self honesty and to direct myself in each moment in consideration of all that is here, and not a a future projection that is actually just me projecting my fear that is a very limited and enslaved path to a certain idea/belief and not what is here in fact.

I commit myself to when and as I see the fear coming up towards other humans/people to take a deep breath and to real(eyes) the reality here and to not give the mind that is literally not real in any way any attention and to breathe and forgive myself and to participate in reality with what I can see here and touch here and interact with here.

I commit myself to when and as I am faced with seeking employment with an employee to breathe and stop the mind and to not give the mind any attention and to focus on the physical here as the truth and to direct and communicate accordingly and not to give into any feelings/emotions/thoughts that will sabotage and compromise me in achieving what needs to be done.

I commit myself to when and as I am faced with an employee and any self judgment comes up such as me feeling insecure or not mature enough or to young or not capable to stop and breathe and realize it is all in my mind literally, as I have proven to myself for years now that I can handle everything I have dealt with without ever really being prepared but to trust myself in the moment and to focus on the physical and not the limitations of the mind.

Day 155 - Am I ready.

Today Things in my life took a unexpected change of events, well it is planned to change, I made the decision to Go out into the matrix and do some work to make money.

I decided that I am going to investigate and see if it is possible for me to become a Truck Driver.

The first question that came up was - Am I ready to do this?

When I asked myself the question many things came up that revealed why I belief I am not ready, and Fear came in, not a lot or fear, just a general fear of something new, which should not be general lol.

The points that came.

Will I be accepted for such a job?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be accepted for such a job due to how I look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that how I look is important in relation to if I am able to do the job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that others will judge if I can do the job or not due to how I look, seeing and realizing that this is my own judgment of myself where I have judged myself as looking to "young" to be able to be trusted with a job that is delegate.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself due to my oneself judgment of I look to young and not mature enough to do the jobs that is meant for grown up people, or rather people that looks grown up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that how I look is just how I look, it isn’t who I am and what I am capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that only men that looks tough and strong and rough can get a job to drive a truck, as I have judged driving a truck as being a poor man’s job and where all poor people are tough as they have endured more suffering and pain in their lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I have to had suffered and endured pain in my life to become tough and strong and rough so that I can handle a job such as driving a truck where I have to live in a truck for days on the road and meeting and interacting with strangers and with the possibility of danger around every corner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a truck driver as there will always be the possibility of danger and that I fear I cannot handle it as I did not grow up in poor conditions that could have conditioned me to handle more abuse suck as being robbed/attacked/harmed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when a person looks at me that has to hire me for the job of driving trucks will give me one look and say " you look to soft to handle such a job" and not give me the job just because of that, even though I know I am more than capable of doing such a job because of the process I have walked with Desteni for the last 4 years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by a person that employs people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be all excited about being a truck driver and when I go to apply for the job the person will say - sorry there isn’t any work for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there will not be any work for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make driving a truck the only option for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel like I am to young to do work such a driving a truck and having the responsibility of all the stuff in the truck and to get it to the delivery points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get my hopes up instead of breathing and walking in each breathe practicality here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of " I am failing me truck driver license and losing all hope of getting the job" to exist within me and to through this already fear not making it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the future in and as the mind in projecting what might happen or not and thus compromise myself and sabotaging myself, instead of breathing here looking at the practical steps in each breathe in space and time and moving myself accordingly to get the job.

To be continued.