Day 315 - Christmas at eleven Part 3

Day 313 - Christmas at eleven Part 1

Day 314 – Christmas at eleven Part 2


I commit myself to when and as I am expecting something to not create mind expectations that are based on energy experiences such as a positive or negative experience, but to only expect with the fact that something is coming for me.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I have created expectations about something to stop and to breathe and to remain HERE within and as breathe.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am creating expectation about a present or a gift that I am about to receive to stop and to breathe and to realize that it is a gift and thus it is a present and not supposed to be known and thus all and any mind Ideas I have created about the gift is invalid as it is in contradiction to what a gift is, to not know what it is.

I commit myself to when and as I do want something as a gift and I do have to opportunity to ask for what gift I may have to make myself clear within what I want to the other person within actually exchanging words and to have confirmation on that it is understood.

I commit myself to when and as I want a specific something and the opportunity is here for someone to Gift me with that something to be clear on what I want and WHY I want it so that there cannot be any mind interpretations on what they believe or might think I want in terms of how much the gift cost or so on.

I commit myself to be clear to others on what I want and why I want it even if it may look cheap, so that it can be clear that I do not want money value as a gift but actual purpose value that I will practically use and need.

I commit myself to when and as I see that i am or have not been clear to stop and to breathe and to not go into Hope, Hoping that the other person might get what I want and to then create all the inner mind projections of what hope I might get and to then get excited about it, seeing and realizing that the excitement is energy transmitted from fear to seem positive, seeing and realizing that the fear is created from the “knowing” that it wants communicated effectively and thus hope is fear, to Bring myself back through focusing on my physical reality here to not participate within the mind.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I get angry/mad/outraged about a present/gift not being what I wanted to stop and to breathe and to see where I haven’t been clear and How I in fact created the anger/madness/outrage within me through my own actions, through and as participating within alternative realities within my mind that isn’t based on facts even but hope and excitement and dreaming and imagination and how the reality check then becomes to cruel to handle and thus my bubble gets burst and so I actually in that moment am facing me and being angry/outraged/mad at myself fro giving into the delusions/illusions of the mind and that I never in fact checked or made clear what I wanted and thus I know in that moment that I could not and cant blame anyone but myself and thus take self responsibility through correcting myself where I see I gave space for the mind to take me over.

Day 314 – Christmas at eleven Part 2

Day 313 - Christmas at eleven Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was clear with my mother what I wanted for Christmas, seeing and realizing that it was an assumption as there was no Yes or No on if she was clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume I am clear on a point without even having a confirmation on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume instead of making 1000% sure that it is so in fact or not through asking directly to get a direct confirmation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get excited from the perspective or assuming that I was getting what I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get excited from assumptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that being excited from an assumption is a recipe for disaster and the creation of the opposite of excitement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume the position of excitement within the interpretation of believing that my mother knew what I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I might have shown my mother what I wanted but that to her it could have been interpreted as many other things in the same section that I wanted and not just that specific thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a toy from the mind as an Idea that I have created about the toy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the toy that I wanted more within my mind then what it is in reality, making/creating a desire for the toy as a energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a energy experience to the toy I wanted, instead of breathing and seeing and realizing that the toy isn’t a energy experience about a practical thing I can play with physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire a toy according to how I have already played with it in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch Spider man on TV and then to go to the mall and look at the Spider-man toy and while watching the toy I play scenes out from the story on TV and thus making it way awesome then what it will be in reality where I run with the toy spinning him through the air and he can’t really do much more then what I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to life in an alternate reality as the Mind and to create myself and what I like and Dislike within my mind within this alternate reality and to then when and as reality hits me and it isn’t what I like, to then feel like crying and like breaking things and becoming a destroyer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel betrayed by reality when I got the wrong present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I betrayed myself through participating in a alternative reality as my imagination with the toy I desired without even really knowing for sure if I was getting it an then when i got the toy to be all outraged and full of sadness and anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for not knowing what I wanted for sure and getting it for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel like my Mother was a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I wasn’t allowed to express myself when it wasn’t the toy I wanted because the toy cost more than the original one I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect Money on that day to how good a present must be, that what I wanted did not matter in terms of what Money tells me about a toy, the cheaper the worse, the more expensive the batter, even if the more expensive one is a really STUPID toy and can go burn in hell for all I care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the more money my mother spend on me the more it meant she cared for me, and thus I wasn’t allowed to express my sadness otherwise I would have proved her wrong and make her feel bad for spending more money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Connect how much a present costs as how much value the present must have in happiness and to over write the actual want for the toy which was practical in terms of me having to play with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I feel just because I fear bursting someone else’s bubble of happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as i got angry/outraged/sad to suppress it all within me as I did not know what was happening to me, what I was experiencing and to then go in secret and express it as being abusive, such as kicking and throwing the toy that I did not want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not sit down with my mother and express to her what I was experiencing so that it could be explained to me and so that I could understand, and so that the miss communication between us could have been resolved and it could have been made clear that It wasn’t the money value of toys that I wanted but the actual purpose of the toys that mattered to me.

To be continued.

Day 313 - Christmas at eleven Part 1

I am eleven years old, it is Christmas time, we are all getting presents, I believe I made it clear to my mother what Toy I wanted, she knew what I wanted, and it wasn't that expensive.

I was very excited to get my present, we were all around the tree in the lounge. My mother wanted us to wait till nighttime came, but we could not, we kept on asking and asking to open our presents, she eventually gave in and said okay, so we all gathered closer and we took our presents one by one to open.

I got my first present and it wasn't something that awesome, then the next person and so on, then it was my urn again, it was the present from my mother, I was already FULL of expectations. With the deep desire and craving fro that toy I wanted, I took off the paper from the present, it wasn't what I wanted.

I wanted a spider-man toy that could move his arms and legs and all the cool stuff that makes it more real when I play with it, and it cost like fifty rand, my mother got me a Spider-man toy. This was a Spider-man sitting in a car, cant take him our or anything, and you can put the spider man in the car into this launcher and then push a button and it shoots the car out to drive a few meters, this present cost about three hundred rands.

I felt like crying, but I could not, I saw the Joy and happiness on my mothers smile from giving her children presents, and I could not express myself in that moment as being extremely angry, I held it all in and I created a massive resentment towards my mother, all in that instant moment.

I kept on smiling and pretending to enjoy the toy, taking it and putting it in and letting it be launched. The more I did this the more I got angry and angry, I started behaving in a spiteful manner, I hated myself for hating the toy and my mother, I started blaming the toy.

After everyone got their toys I tried switching toys with my smaller brother, selling it to him why he would like it, I don't remember what he got but it was better then mine in that moment.

He did not want it, but I let him play with it, secretly trying to make him like it, so that I can switch toys in the end, it never happened because he got board of it as-well very quickly.

Once I was alone with myself and the toy I wanted to break the FUCKING toy, I wanted to cry with outrage, I did not, I instead Kicked the fucking toy, it isnt what i wanted, and No one fucking listened to me when I showed them what I wanted, but my mother was so happy, I could not sadden her, I also feared making my mother feel like she is a bad mother and that she wasted her money on the toy, she did waist money as I Never after that day touched it again.

Even now as I write this, I experience shame and sadness for who I was and still am, and towards my mother. She meant well and there I was being evil inside of myself, creating this world and feelings/emotions towards here in secret.

I remember I could not stand who i was in that moment, yet I was that in that moment, that evil, that secret world of pure hate/resentment/spitefulness. And it all

Self Forgiveness next.

Day 312 - Who the bleep cares about Animal Rights - I am just not into it.

Today I was sitting in the car waiting for work to begin, i arrived half an hour earlier then others, so I listened to the news and ate some bananas. On the one radio channel there was a person speaking about another person. This person went to a Protest today, and he/she was in his/her words and way of speaking about the other person seem a bit stupid or dumb, or Like what he/she is doing is kind of a thing for Losers, and that what he/she is doing is something you have to be INTO. This person made it really sound like people that are not into what the other person is into are Cooler people.

The person he/she was talking about went to a Protest For Animal rights, he/she isn't into animal rights and he/she personally would not go to such a protest, and he/she will continue eating meat and wearing leather cloths,

This does imply he/she does not care what pain and suffering is done on the animals for what they are going through so that he/she can have personal opinions on matters that matter, ANIMAL rights, instead of having the fact that needs to be addressed and giving that to the people.

Has anyone EVER asked any animal - Hey do you care about animal rights, of course the animal will say YES, FUCK it is a living being living and sharing this planet equally with US. So why the fuck does the human have the right to SAY what we want over and about animal rights, why does the Human have the apparent power to decide if animals have rights or not. What the FUCK.

I am pissed and I am sharing how pissed I am, we want to keep this as real as possible. Because the matter at hand is fucking real and matters, it is about our neighbors we call animals that No one gives a fuck about, and those FEW that do, are frowned upon as being depressed people, they are seen as dorks and people that do not have a life and that only sees the negative in life, well if we all turn a blind eye just for the sake of seeing deluded positivity then we are truly FUCKED.

I will share both sides of the story - the person on the radio then turned his/her conversation to - 'Go and support the protest, If you are into that kind of stuff'. This is clearly separating oneself from the actual problem that is everyone's responsibility to address and making it a thing of Choice, it isnt a fucking choice, it is real and needs drastic attention from each and every person.

So apparently caring about animals that are losing their Land/habitat/food/shelter and that are being poached and butchered and tortured and raped (yes animals get raped here on earth by humans) you have to be into that kind of stuff to do anything about it, of stopping the human/us from consuming the earth and Killing billions of animals and putting them to extinction and on endangered species lists, and only then may you go ahead and do it. But you have to be INTO it.

Millions of people are listening to this radio station from all over our country, so what is the message that was given to the people listening, Radio people must place a guard in front of their mouths and NOT fucking speak until they are clear and only speak what is best for all.

I mean, we live in a time where people Must act and stand up, and if a person over the radio discourages people from taking a stand and from facing the extreme fact of the negativity we exist in through spreading opinions instead of facts and reality, then such a person must be held accountable for each and every word when the time comes, where the words was spoken from Opinions and not fact, Knowing that millions are listening and taking advice from the person speaking on the radio, I mean, we place trust in what we hear and the advice that is given to us over the Media networks, especially if the person speaking is someone we hear daily and learned to 'like'.

I am angry because we Live in a time where animals, our neighbors living and sharing earth with us needs our help more then ever, where we as Humans need to be informed and educated on the facts of life and how things actually work, so that people do not blabber for instance - shit over the radio based on opinions, so that we can take action and responsibility and stop hiding through saying things like, I am not into that. just because it was given as a valid justification over the radio by someone that is trusted by the people. Wtf....

And then the other side of the same coin, the people, the few that DO care about the animals are daily taking shit from people that they are so Negative, that they must get a Life, that they must grow up and stop dreaming, that they must get real, that they must get a boy friend or girl friend and that they must not take out their depression on others through speaking truth and reality, are the ones actually caring about those discouraging them from caring.

Because these few that stand up for the animals/nature/earth that everyone see as uncool people and as losers and as outcasts are doing what they are doing for the very people hating them. Looking down on them, because without earth, without animals, without nature you/me/we all are Fucked, and not in an instant moment it will be years of suffering, brutality, we will face a slow and unforgivable death, because we were to cool for it, we were just not into caring about animals/plants/nature.

I encourage everyone to investigate Equal Money System. take a stand. learn to stand practically and responsibly, there is a way and it is together. Protests/revolutions does not work, yes the people car, but they do not work. it is the Very system that we need to change. don't be a fool and try and be to fucking cool, get real face the music.

Day 312 – She is Pregnant Part 3

Day 310 – She is Pregnant, what do I do Now??

She is Pregnant, Change the world? Part 2 - Day 311 

I commit myself to when and as I see the fear coming up within myself towards what exist within this world and which I am bringing in a child into to stop and to breathe and to not accept and allow the fear to direct my actions or the decisions that I make, instead I give myself the opportunity to investigate the fear and to see why I have created fear towards the world and what is here in separation of myself, instead of standing one and equal as all that is here as me being in fact a direct creator of what is here as I am here and thus I must take self responsibility.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am not trusting myself with and as my baby to stop and to breathe, and to trust myself as the Physical as that which is here and real.

I commit myself to when and as I Fear the world and that my baby has to go into this world to stop and to breathe – seeing and realizing that there are Millions of children in this world that has to face this world every day, and that I cannot separate my child from what is here and that my child must stand one and equal with and as the system to be able to walk the system effectively and not in fear.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am trying to Hide the world from my child to stop and to breathe – seeing and realizing that it is quite obvious that my child is in this world and that my child must be in this world but does not have to be a part of the world and yet that my child will be effective within this world.

I commit myself to when and as i see that I am trying to act and behave around my child in ways that is from and as fear to stop and to breathe and to realize myself here as the Physical and to focus on the physical and to use the physical as my guidelines.

I commit myself to give all the tools I can to my child as common sense and self honesty and practicality and all the Physical skills that I can and reading and math so that my child is fully equipped to make his/her own decisions that is best for all life.

I commit myself to raise my child to always live what is best for all life.

She is Pregnant, Change the world? Part 2 - Day 311

Day 308 - When she told me – “She is Pregnant.”
Day 310 – She is Pregnant, what do I do Now??

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear all the dangers in the world that I will bring a Child into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that I must Fear what is here and then take action, seeing and realizing that if I take actions from the starting point of fear then that is what I will teach my child, to Fear first and then to take action, seeing and realizing that I must look at the fear and forgive myself for the fear that I have created and accepted and allowed and the through common sense and self honesty look at the point with and from a clear point of being a participant in this reality and how to take Actions within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Only now that I am bringing a child into this world to suddenly care about what happened to “my” child, seeing and realizing that there are Millions of children in this world that is NO different to the child I will be bringing into this world and that the caring must be equal for all children, I also see and realize that within practicality caring and doing for all children right now as I can for my child isn’t practical at all as I do not have this power, and thus I see and realize why this world MUST change, so that what I want for my child can and will be given to ALL children equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only take action and really care about how the world is now that I am going to have a child, seeing and realizing the self interest within this and why the world is the way it is, as no one is standing and walking in the shoes of others as themselves to actually care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear the world I bring my child into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my child will end up in situations that Is accepted and allowed for other children to exist within, seeing and realizing that what I accept and allow to exist for ALL children as all possible situation and environments to exist in will thus exist as possible situations/environments for my own child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the fears I have for my child is existent because of the facts that I am in a world where we as a collective are accepting and allowing daily other children that isn’t our own to exist in the exact situations/environments that we fear for our own children, instead of Fucking changing this world to a place where these environments/situation do not exist and isn’t even a possible option, which is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the fears I have for my child is existent because I have seen Other Living actual children in situation that I as an adult do not even want to live in exist within and that what I fear isn’t some form of fantasy, but that it is an actual reality for Millions of children in this world and that I know if it is possible for those children to exist in places where they do then it exist for my child as well, as we live in a world created by man where Money decides everything and we are just subjects to the money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I Fear for my child because I have been accepting and allowing other children to Live in poverty and to exist in abusive environments and where there are rape/murder/disease/brutality and everything that is Not a way of life any of us ever want to exist in, and that in the past I didn’t care for them or try and change the world for them, and that now I see that if my child will ever have to be in such a situation that No one will ever give a fuck or help, as that is what I have accepted and allowed one and equal. Thus I see and realize that it is MY responsibility to change the world to a place that is best for all LIFE, for all children equally all around the world, so that I know, I actually care, that I cannot accept and allow anything for any child that I do not desire for myself or my own child. Because that will mean I truly care for my child, that I change the world (obviously with a group of people and so the rest of the world together, but it starts with myself) investigate Desteni and Equal Money System.

Day 310 – She is Pregnant, what do I do Now??

Day 308 - When she told me – “She is Pregnant.”

So when my partner told me that she is pregnant I was very cool about it, there was nothing running through my head, I was sticking to the principals: practicality and common sense within self honesty doing what is best for all life.

This made everything SOOO easier, because that removes “personal” crap from the equation, it removes the fears and limitations and all the shit latched to the “having a baby”.

So after me and my partner looked at the whole point practically and within what’s best for all life within our actions within what is here, it was decided (no reacted upon, as it would have been if there was “personal” involved) to have a Baby, this changes the entire “experience”. It is actually pretty cool and enjoyable.

I have come to now wonder a nit afterwards what do I do now?? Lol, I mean my partner is carrying the baby and she is the one having the pains and having to feel like throwing up and having head aches, but I am not having any of that at all, so what can I do? I asked myself.

I kind of feel useless in this stage of my partner being pregnant, obviously I am here for her as support and assistance and to talk to and to share and express with, but that doesn’t change the physical changes, I kind of feel guilty to – because I am having it easy to bring a child into this world, my partner has to carry a baby for nine months and then give birth, the giving birth part is actually called going into Labor, no one gets paid over time for that labor, in fact it will cost us a shit load.

I will do SF here on the Useless point and feeling guilty and then continue the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel useless within being of any actual help for my partner while she is Pregnant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being useless while my partner is pregnant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel that I must be able to do more then what I really physically can for her within the desire of not feeling bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to not feel bad about being useless within not being able to help my partner with the carrying of the baby and to through this judge myself as being useless to make myself feel better about myself, seeing and realizing that it is really a waste of time and energy playing games like this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel Guilty for being part of getting my partner pregnant and not equally carrying the baby and going through the physical symptoms and pains.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for Being at work all day and not being home supporting my partner in this time, seeing and realizing that currently this is not practical and possible as we all have to work to feed and support our lives in this system and thus feeling guilty is a way of self manipulation to not tale full self responsibility within changing this world to a place that is best for all life as a real solution to the problem.

Continuing with the story.

I am now daily looking at Everything in my current place and state in the physical reality where I must bring my child into and where I must raise my Child, I now see things as dangerous that I did not before, Like I would walk outside and see my child running or crawling around and then I see a bush with a thorn hanging to low, and I would go, THAT needs to be trimmed lol. Stuff like that.

So it is interesting how I also now see the world within considering bringing a “innocent” child into this world where there is ALL these fucking things around. So I am breathing and taking it one step at a time, cancelling out the mind and looking at it practically not going into over drive within looking at things, YES changes must be made for the child where we can prevent what is possible in all ways.

BUT the prevention cannot come from fear; it must come from actually physically considering it all. If it is done from fear then there will be consequences on those actions, so NO fear, breathing and walking step by step.

Where I have seen my house as clean before now looks like shit still lol, and where I have seen stuff as being practical I now see it was only practical in terms of Adults living here, and not all life.

I now see what patterns and what habits I have that I must deal with and work with, because a child will learn from who we are as LIVING beings, the words come later, the sentences come later, the reading comes later, the Physical actions we do right here in each moment is what is Instant for the child to learn from, Nine months is a lot of Breathes to fix the shit, the sins of the fathers, and to correct, to prepare, to see where I was lazy before and now to really take the patterns and habits and change them to what’s best for all life.

To be continued with self forgiveness (SF) and (SCS)

Day 309 – Is the world a place for a baby?

A Baby, a Child, another being entering this world.

When I say world, I am talking about the Systems that is here, the Human created “things” that is everywhere, when I say world I am not saying Earth, earth isn’t a problem, earth isn’t the concern when bringing a child into this world, the world is what we humans have created on earth.

So I have been looking at bringing another human into this world, there is many reasons to Not have children and then there is a few to have children.

You see children – specifically the Human race’s children, MUST be educated to live and always do what is best for all life, living principals with common sense and self honesty, so this is the one reason to have children, IF the support is Here, which is money that gives you all the other things that is a NEED, not wants and desires, and that the child that is brought into this world must be educated to be the correction that is needed within this world.

The world that we have created and live in is one hundred percent dependent on the Earth, the earth gives the natural resources and revives them, it takes long periods of time for certain resources to be what they are today but then you have the really basic needs that is quite fast, such as food and water.

So you see, if we do not start with our children to be the correction that is required to create a world that is best for all life then we will inevitable fall. Because when we all die it is our children that remain and then they are the ones running things and they will and can only run things here on earth the way we showed them, and love will not change anything, teach a child how things work and the problem will be clear and the solution will be clear, because it is clear that our systems is destroying earth.

Here I am with the news and with the actuality of it, my partner is pregnant and it is still early stages, but it is happening and I have to already now look at all these points to have clarity to have stability within it, it is simply a matter of preparation, yet I cannot prepare for it actually here, I can lay down scripts for myself and clarity on how to walk breathe and direct.

It is cool to see all the points that come up considering that I will have a child in the near future, I will be responsible for another human being and the support and assistance this being will get within this “world” so that this being can develop him/herself. Isn’t that the point?

I was never given the understanding that I create ME, I was always given the IDEAS and impressions that I was already who I am now at birth, like it came with the packaging. But that isn’t true, in fact there is no common sense within such Idea, I mean I speak the languages I was taught, I believe in the things I do and so forth that I was taught, If I was taught the earth is flat then that is what i would have believes. and thus who I am was simply me accepting and allowing everything around me to create me.

So I once again met Desteni and thank you, Here I am with much more understanding and that I created myself, I create myself through what I accept and allow, and what I do not accept and allow, so I must stop accepting and allowing and start creating, making decisions and move myself towards it and create myself as Living words.

And the words I define as what is best for all life will be the words I then live as what’s best for all life. And here I am with a baby coming, I am seeing now how the WORLD isn’t prepared, the world isn’t ready for ANY child to come here, yet we must have children if we have the support for them, and we must use what we have while we have it to Be that correction that is best for all life.

This world is scary, it is evil, it is amazing that so many people have babies ALL the time in all different situations and all different parts of the world with everything that can be evil being all around all the time lurking around every corner, and that the parents of the children are not doing a single thing to make the entire world a save place for them, but only try and make their personal space and homes save, I mean we do not live in bubbles.

I leave my house everyday to go to work, I can get stabbed, raped, brutally abused, hijacked any day at any given moment when I am out there, it is South Africa, the possibility for each person is probably more than 50% high daily. And then there are even worse parts on earth then here. How is changing the world not immediately each and every parents biggest purpose to do/achieve as soon as there is a child and also consider that here we are talking about already where people/we are forced to look at change through having a baby, we should anyway change the world for ALL LIFE, I mean something must be terribly wrong that it is not so...

Day 308 - When she told me – “She is Pregnant.”

I came home from work one day and as I was sitting in the kitchen there were people talking, my partner and her sister was talking about having late periods, and since both of them were late it all seemed to make sense that its just a change in their cycles, I did not think anything of it. We joked about them both being late and how it might be funny if they both were pregnant on the same time.

So the next day after work when I got home I heard that My partners sister got her periods, my partner then started to look concerned and said she still haven’t gotten her period and that it has been two weeks or more.

So during the day that I was at work I send my partner a message asking her if I should buy a pregnancy testing stick, she said ok, I found a gap at work to go out and to go buy the stick.

At the Pharmacy I walked in and I was hanging around looking for the stuff, the girl behind the counter asked me if I need help, I looked at her and I said YES, I am looking for those sticks that you can test if you are pregnant with, she said Oh they are right here, we keep them behind the counter locked up.

I walked towards the counter and I said: can I have one? She said yes you can it is twenty five rand's, I thought it would be cheaper since in the movies sometimes women uses like ten to test to make sure, but I could only afford one. She gave it to me and I gave her the money, as I took the stuff she then had a little grin smile on her face, I saw that lol.

I went back to work and I furnished the day off at five thirty, I went home and I placed the bag with the stuff in it in my room and did not say anything to my partner. But she went into the room and she found it and she red the instructions on it, she then told me she will only be able to test tomorrow morning since you need to do it early when something is more.

So I waiter, I was curious and I have been thinking about it all day lol, I drive cars around and I work a lot in situations where I am alone like driving very long distances.

So the discussions/considerations I had with myself was what if it is a YES or a NO - I knew I had to look at these point within myself, I had to be clear and make sure there is no Fear, I have a little book with a pen always on me, so I opened up the book and I wrote down, This isn’t a Point to Fear, it is to Breathe and take self responsibility either way - I also wrote down what I saw was the Fear, the fear was that if it is a Yes, we haven’t prepared and that the HOW it happened frightened me as I wasn’t sure on How it happened at all.

So as I was driving around and looking at the scenarios I saw that I would like to have a child, I would enjoy to have a child, especially since I have been with Desteni and that I am busy with the Equal Money System. As my participation with Desteni I have developed myself a lot more effective and to be self disciplined and to trust myself in all and any situations.

But my biggest concern was the economy, the world and the way things are going, so I questioned having a child in this time and age and with everything happening. This was my ONLY reason for not wanting to have a child right now. I got a Job and I am working full time and I can make a lot of money, so I saw that this was already a upgrade within being able to have a child as being able to support the child.

But an even better point was that I was living on the farm and on the farm is the best support and the environment is great, so that part is set and cool.

Back to hearing the news, after a while considering everything and investigating points within myself I was quite stable with the answer going either way, but at How my partner/wife seemed a bit concerned - so I made myself concerned as well lol, instead of breathing and being self honest within it all.

Late night came and we all went to sleep. The next morning I was woken by my partner laying over the bed looking at me and saying Gian - it I positive, I am pregnant, my partner sounded concerned, like she was giving me heavy news, like it was expected from me to not be happy about such news, so I had a sudden response - I said REALLY, and I looked at her in her eyes she said yes the strip had to stripes, I then said, and that means you are pregnant, she said yes it says so on the box or paper, and I said okay and how accurate is this test? I was diverting the conversation towards certainty to convince myself lol.

Since it was morning and I had to get ready for work and go to work we would not talk, we agreed to have a talk when I come back, and to not yet mention anything to anyone.

To be continued.

Day 307 – Not Being heard, Aggression and annoyance Part 2

Day 306 – Not Being heard, Aggression and annoyance Part1

I commit myself to when and as I react to others not hearing me to stop and to breathe and to wait a while till I see the person is focused more and here and then speak again.

I commit myself to when and as I get aggressive and loud within my communication towards others to be heard, to stop and to breathe within the realization that it is Not best for all life as i am starting to now treat others as I would Like to NOT be treated.

I commit myself to when and as I see that there is aggression coming up from within me to know myself in that moment and that I cannot trust myself to speak or act, thus I see and realize that I must commit myself to take a deep breath and to let go of the aggression and only speak once the aggression is stopped.

I commit myself to when and as I see back chat or thoughts coming up where I project what I am experiencing as aggression or annoyance from within me onto the other person to within the obvious common sense that it is within me to stop and to breathe and to take self responsibility for how I am experiencing myself and to check why and how I am creating these experiences and to change.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am making the other person the problem to stop and to breathe and and to make sure I am breathing and not giving attention to the experience within me.

I commit myself to when and as I experience anything in me that I am projecting towards another to make breathing my first priority within and as such a scenario.

I commit myself to when and as i see that I am in fear of who I am becoming when and as I am possessed by aggression and annoyance that I have already attached to another being as being the cause which is a dangerous scenario to sit down or to walk away or to direct my focus on touching something or anything physical while breathing to direct myself back to the physical out of the energy experience till I am stable and can walk to the other person and talk to them in clarity and have taken full self responsibility.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am a danger to others to take self responsibility through removing myself temporarily from the scenario if possible and to stabilize myself.

I commit myself to when and as I see a scenario that will and possibly can occur when I know I have to speak or ask questions to already place a foundation of prevention for myself where I give myself the breath that I may not be heard and that I will have to repeat myself and that I must be OKAY with it and not take it personal and simply do those actions over and over without any reactions or energy till I am heard and it is done.

Day 306 – Not being heard aggressive and annoyed. Part 1

Day 306 – Not being heard aggressive and annoyed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I find that others are not hearing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when someone else are not hearing me that I must react and become loud and aggressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become aggressive when and as someone isn’t hearing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when and as someone isn’t hearing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Stop breathing and to go into the mind where I hear myself and then to within that get aggressive and annoyed with the other person not hearing me as I see that in my head I sound clear and loud enough and thus the other person must be the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the other person the problem for what I am experiencing within me as aggression and annoyance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am getting aggressive with myself for not being patient and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I get annoyed with myself fro getting angry instead of breathing and being patient and to wait till the person is here and I am here and we can talk clearly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Get annoyed when and as I have to repeat myself three or more times with what I had to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I must be able to say something ten to a billion times without reacting or experiencing anything within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear who I become when and as I am aggressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own behavior when and as I get aggressive and annoyed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I can or might do when and as I am getting annoyed and the annoyance turns into aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear myself, seeing and realizing that I know myself and thus it is myself responsibility to direct myself in ways that is that of prevention and not avoidance but prevention as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others will think of me if I lose my cool and show my aggression and annoyed side.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear putting fear in others when and as my aggression shows or comes out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I can do to myself, as I have never gone there fully but see that the energy behind it is strong and my body hardens up and I become really intense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget breathing when and as I see a situation coming up where I might have agr4ession or become annoyed and to prevent that from coming here through seeing the prediction and breathing and stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Hold it against the other person when and as I experience aggression and annoyance within me, seeing and realizing that is manipulation and me not taking self responsibility for myself but instead trying to have power over another so that they must change for me instead of me changing how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to manipulate others through becoming aggressive and annoyed to induce fear with intensity and so NOT having to take self responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize the consequences of what I am doing when and as I become aggressive and annoyed and to act on that, that i am creating fearful people around me. And fearful people usually will and want to get rid of the fear and thus I am opening myself for harm or whatever consequences, equal and one to what I am accepting and allowing within me.

To be Continued on Self commitments.

Day 305 – Directing Tiredness Commitment Statements Part 3

Day 303 – Directing Tiredness  Part1
Day 304 - Directing Tiredness Part 2

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am forcing myself to be awake when I am tired, to instead see if there is time to take a nap and to set my alarm for a small period of time to nap and to take the nap and to get the tiredness out of the way so that I can move forward within my day to be effective and sufficient within applying myself with the daily activities that is still to be done.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself going into the thought of “seeing myself still having to do so much” to stop and to breathe and to move myself to do things and to not be “set Back” in getting things done through holding onto the thought of what still needs to be done within me feeling tired, seeing and realizing how this makes the tiredness much worse and how I then resist standing up even more to get things done, seeing and realizing how this then turns into me just sitting around, not napping or doing anything constructive but wasting time.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself wasting time because I have the Idea that I am to tired to do anything to instead Stop and to pick myself up and to breath and to move myself to see if it is me being tired or me making myself tired from thinking what still needs to be done.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself thinking about what needs to be done to stop and to breathe and to ask myself a really self honest question, why am I thinking about what still needs to be done instead of doing it, seeing and realizing that the thinking part is what is making me tired and not me actually doing it lol.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself thinking about doing something to stop and to breathe and to see that the thinking part is me projecting what needs to be done that this is done within comparison to what I have already done and thus overwhelming myself in the mind when in fact the actual physical reality of it is much less then what I am making it to be in my head.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself not using my Time in a constructive way to stop and to breathe and question what I am actually doing and why I am wasting my time and to within that be self honest with myself and to then direct myself according to the un deniable common sense that comes up.

I commit myself to when and as I feel that I am tired and cannot focus to give myself that hour of sleep that I know will work and have me fresh for the next four hours to be as effective and focused as I can be to do what needs to be done as I have proven to myself in the past through doing this.

I commit myself to investigate all point everyday when I experience myself as tired and to be self honest within the questioning and answering and to find the common sense and self honesty within breathing and to not just always go for the sleep first and or to not just go for the pushing myself first but to be clear on what happening and to understand myself and what I am doing so that I can stop and purify each point till I am clear and my starting point is clear.

Day 304 Directing tiredness Part 2

Day 303 Directing tiredness Part1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am tired to judge myself as being weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not breathing when and as I experience myself as tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the thought of seeing myself still having to do so many things yet I am tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see the thought of all the things i still need to do but I am tired to react ad judge myself as weak for being tired when I still need to complete many tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a opinion of myself of “I am better then this” and to from this opinion as a judgment as an Idea I have of myself that I desire to be of myself to then react and fear that I am and will never be it as I am currently tired and do not see myself passing the point of tiredness and becoming the Ideal me of not being tired and being able to move and get things done.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself f to judge tiredness as a weakness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge not getting tired as something that is amazing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as being weak and useless when and as they claim to be tired and I am not, and to within this then have a bad reaction when and as I am tired within the fear of being like the others and that they will now judge me as I have judged them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being unable to push through a point such as being tired to be in a place of breathing and never being tired, seeing and realizing that to NEVER be tired is currently impossible as the physical does require sleep and thus my goal is a fantasy and not a reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I can work full day all the time with no rest and that I will still be unstoppable to get to all my tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that taking a little nap is giving into weakness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I must look at my physical reality and what is here and what I am doing and then to do the actual in fact math to see where4 have I been, in the mind or actually doing something to see where my tiredness is coming from, as that will determine if I can actually breathe through it and get here, or if the breathing will become a mindfuck for suppressing something that is real and only compromising myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see being tired as ONLY a limitation, not seeing that being tired is a sign that I need to rest to be affective again in all aspects of my life once rested.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself.
To be continued.

Directing Tiredness Part 1 - Day 303

I have been tired everyday coming from eleven plus hours of work, I have judged it as not cool, I should not get tired, why am I tired, the tiredness sinks in when I sit down or when I get in a position that my body (I) feel I can now just sleep, and then I “wake up for a moment from a reaction from a judgment of “I am better than this and thus if I am tired and want to nap I must be weak or not breathing.

And this compromises me from doing anything else, right now at this moment writing this blog I am half falling asleep lol, but I am breathing and I am typing, I know I am using my adrenaline to do this, it is amazing how far I can push myself sometimes, I only had 5 hours of sleep last night as I had to wake up and hour early to go to a car salesmen training conference in Durban for the entire day.

But here is the full story of what is happening daily. I come home and I am tired, so I sit down from a few minutes to have coffee and to relax a bit. Then the few minutes turns into half and hour and then I start moving and doing stuff, then after doing stuff for twenty minutes I sit down again, I am tired.

I am also within this NOT considering the full extent of my changes, I am in training at the new Job, I take in a shit load of brand new information ALL day from everyone at work, I am being passed around all day to do everyone’s small things from them, I am the new guy, and they are using me, till I am a actual car salesmen this will happen, they use me to do the things they know take effort, so I am all day doing everyone’s effort. I like it, I learn more than they can understand LOL.

I want to go take a nap but then I think, if I take a nap I will lose all that time sleeping when I can do something constructive, and if I take a nap I will struggle to sleep later again, so I do not sleep, but this turns into a time wasting pattern, where I now instead of taking a nap and getting the tiredness over with. I stand around and I sit around and I watch TV and everything for quite a while with the reasoning that at least I am awake.

Then I go and check my email, usually when I check my emails there are about a hundred, so I go through them individually to read it and to check what’s for me and what is not, and sitting in front of the screen makes me even more tired, so I decide to go and sit outside a bit more to remain awake.

Then this bit turns into another fifteen minutes and eventually even an hour as someone is watching something and I automatically use it as a excuse to sit and watch.

Then when I look at the time it is already nine or ten, and I go to sleep at eleven, I get back from work anytime from six till late, I never know what the day has in store in terms of coming home.

So what I have noticed is that if I am Tired when I get how I should instead GO and take a hour nap, not to long but enough to after an hour be busy for the next three hours within doing Desteni and Equal Money system things, that is then constructive and using my time sufficiently and what’s best for all life.

So I see that the IDEA and BELIEF I have created around being tired and wasting time when I take a nap has influenced me in such a way that I refuse to go and take a nap and instead compromise and Waste MORE time not doing anything.

I see the “pot hole” I fall into and it has happened now a few times. I know taking a hour nap usually sorts it all our because I did this in the past, a week or two ago and it was awesome, I was good and ready for the rest of the night.

So it is a simple way of applying myself within being sufficient and effective within taking practical preventive steps.

To be continued on SF and SCS.

Day 302 - Cold hands

Day 302 - Cold hands

Every morning when I get to work I greet EVERYONE lol, it is a must, and I even greet the same people again twenty minute later if I see them, saying hi is like a constant thing, it is weird.

So in the mornings when I greet the people I shake hands, and the one thing I notice is that everyone’s hands is Warm and nice to greet, but mine is ice cold. And I have gotten feedback on this as well, the guys saying wow your hands is cold.

I have had this in the past as well, in school where everyone hands will be warm except mine, and now working again and getting the same feedback I am questioning this point again, I have created some judgments and Ideas about it, something must be wrong with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my hands being cold as wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the other people with warm hands as being better than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that if my hands are cold it means I am not here and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate this point in real time for myself to check why my hands are cold and why others hands is warm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear that if my hands isn’t warm like the rat that they will think something is wrong with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if my hands aren’t warm that people will not like greeting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish my hands was warm like the rest so that I will be the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will interoperate my cold hands as something being wrong and different with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I greet someone and my hands are cold to immediately belief something is wrong with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea about my cold hands as something being wrong with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate the feedback I get in relation to my cold hands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest within why my hands are cold.

I see that my hands are the things I move with, it is what allows me to do things, to get things done, it is the things that has made everything possible that is is here from the humans to be here, and not to be proud of at all obviously we have only been using hands to abuse and destroy and to create harm for all life. Yet our hands can so more thing, a billion more things in creating and living in equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as my hands are cold that it is a sign that I am not here breathing and being in my body as self movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my hands are indications of my breathing and if I am breathing in and as my body or if I am in the mind, thus not in my hands as me here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that if my hands are cold in summer when the air and everything is hot that it must be a clear indication that I am in the mind and not breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my cold hands and to participate within the mind even more when and as they are cold, instead of seeing and realizing that I can instead use my hands as indicators to my breathing and how the breathe is flowing through my body and that there is life and not mind.

I commit myself to when and as I see that my hands are cold to breathe and to breathe into my body as my body and not just breathe to breathe for the sake of self interest and to bring life into my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from Life as something out there that I must acquire, instead of seeing and realizing that LIFE is here and thus breathing here in simplicity is simple.

I commit myself to when and as my hands are cold to stop and to not go into any mind ideas and believes about it and to apply the correction instead as breathing and standing as my body one and equal.

I commit myself to when and as I face the point of my hands being cold and not warm to focus by breathing to warm my hands up to have a clear indication of if my breathing is effective or not, as me moving myself and directing myself as me living here and not participating in the mind as pre-programming accepting and allowing who knows what to move and direct me.

The hands are the body, when I am in the mind the hands go cold as I am up there somewhere and breathing to bring myself here will heat up my hands as a indication of where I am, as the body is always here I simple have to stop the separation and live here, simple.

Day 301 - Not Good enough Self Commitments

Continuing from Day 300 Not good enough character Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing as myself in the presence of authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'feel ‘that I must impress people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be accepted by others as an idea of who I am, instead of trusting myself as who I am in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am defined by others and thus must seek approval and thus take on the role of impressing myself onto everyone, seeing and realizing that within my actions I will be seen and thus it isn’t necessary to create an idea of myself to sell to others.

Ok I see this is simple points, now it is time for commitments.

I commit myself to when and as I am at work to breathe and to do my job and to enjoy myself, and to when and as any movement of energy comes up where I feel that I have to make an impression to stop and to breathe and to see that doing my job as best as I can practically within common sense in itself is already showing I am 'good ‘for the job.

I commit myself to when and as I am moving myself within and as breathe and the boss approaches me to keep on doing my work within moving myself practically and to not go into any resonant reactions of Ideas/Beliefs of myself or the boss and to be directed within that, as to remain stable and effective as myself as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I feel that I am stupid and thus must Prove myself to the boss, to stop and to breathe and to be here practically moving and directing myself as the physical to give no attention or energy to the thought and to stop the thought and to not move myself in reaction as the thought using the physical as my guidelines to move.

I commit myself to when and as I am approached by the boss or manager on the floor at work and I have a experience of feeling that I have to not perform suddenly and submit, to stop and to breathe and to realize I do not need to take on such characters to do what may or may not come, but that what is needed of me is to breathe and to simply move myself.

I commit myself to when and as I feel less then the person with whom I am in presence with to stop the experience the “feeling/emotion” through relaxing myself and my body through breathing in and our slowly and consistently and to make my breathing my focus and not the experience as to equalize myself within and as the physical here to remain here and to keep my integrity and not to sell myself short and compromise myself.

I commit myself to when and as I feel the NEED to be someone else in the presence of others around me to STOP within the understanding that this is compromising me and taking all my energy to be able to move effectively all day, and that all that remain when I stop the energy the need to be someone else is me here as the physical expressing myself in each breathe one and equal with integrity and self honor and respect.

I commit myself to when and as I feel that I need to change Who I am around certain people as to obtain certain traits that I belief others accept and will thus accept me, to stop and to breathe and to once again remain here as my breathe focused on what is real, and to within this stand one and equal with all that is here where there is no separation of me or another as fear but me as the other instead.

I commit myself to when and as I go to work to start the day off with breathing and to stop all thoughts projections I have already created or expectations or concerns and to let it go, within the realization that it is all useless as I am always anyway un prepared for the un expected and thus I may as well take it unexpectedly, but with a slight difference, with no stress or energy moving me or directing me but me breathing and within breathing have self trust and confidence within myself to be able and to do what’s needed in the moment present in the present no matter whit who or what status the person is seen or standing as within the system.